


How we Fake it

by cleardays



Series: How we Fake it [1]
Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Arguing, Eventual Relationships, Flashbacks, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Recreational Drug Use, dan is mad, kyle is also mad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-02-28 01:48:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 53,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13261068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cleardays/pseuds/cleardays
Summary: "I wish you could tell me how you feel," Kyle said, taking a deep breath, though they'd promised to be more honest with one another, he couldn't help but feel as if he shouldn't have brought his doubts to the singer's attention."I can't do that," Dan answered simply, and whether he had meant to or not, he came across very wooden in those few moments that the man beside him hoped to see even the tiniest amount of emotion in his eyes."And that's why things are this way, and have to be this way," Kyle pointed out, his voice quiet and cold.





	1. Resentment Grows

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I am not dead!
> 
> ***why didn't you write a proper summary for the fic like you normally do, cleardays? I really didn't know what to do so I threw in speech I guess to add more mystery? idk lol my notes are a mess
> 
> I had different ideas with this one. The format may take a bit of getting used to but basically, you are meant to be a little confused because the events you will see in this chapter will eventually link and make more sense. If I told you my plan it would ruin the fic, lmao 
> 
> So some chapters can be full flashback ones, other ones might be messy like this one (rare because this took a lot of work with time jumping, it took me about a month to write and edit) most chapters will be full flashback ones or present day ones tbh because sixth form and mock exams
> 
> I put in a lot of effort to my chapters, and I feel comforted writing back in the bastille fandom because the youtuber fandom (well one person) was really bitter and terrible to me about my fanfiction, and I feel welcomed here to be honest because you guys are great. I just wanted to bring awareness to this, because I always think about what i comment, because if it's offensive, it can really put someone down. This incident has given me a lot of anxiety unfortunately :/. I'm rambling now so I want you to a) enjoy this b) I don't mind if this doesn't get as many kudos or hits, I write for my enjoyment. 
> 
> ***I'm writing in real time too (just so you're aware, because for all my other stories I've already written the fic/novel) this is fReSh like a new car. anyway enjoy and prepare to get annoyed at the lack of effective communication in this chapter. Also not good at tagging

 

 

"Are you not going to say anything?" Kyle asked Dan as he was sitting down near the keyboard in the recording studio, the summer heat irritating him.

By the time the words had rolled off of his tongue, his shirt was sticking to his skin and torso in the hot heat of August, desperate not to let go. Even though he'd always been a calm person, he felt his blood pressure slightly increase, and that wasn't because of the conditions outside. He'd never been one to waste studio time either, but he couldn't just _sit_ there. Nervously, he tapped his foot against the ground.

There were four other men in the studio that day, though three of them had taken a break somewhere in the building to grab food. The bearded man hadn't been that hungry that day, so he had skipped breakfast and lunch, though it was starting to take its toll on him as a headache started creeping up on him. Of course, the other man that had chosen not to have his lunch break was sitting roughly two and a half metres away from him. His hair was almost black, his body language was giving off all kinds of negative energy and there was a sharp look in his blue eyes.

The blue-eyed man's right hand was positioned at the right side of his face. He opened his mouth to speak.

"Why would I need to say anything?" Dan wondered, choosing to play it dumb, and for such a smart man, that was very unlike him.

Not only did that infuriate the man opposite him, but it ignited a flame inside of him because yet again, he was doing that thing where he wouldn't make eye contact when he was speaking to him. In fact, Kyle couldn't remember the last time he had done that. Considering the fact that they were meant to talk all the time with them being in the same band and all, that was _pretty bad._

"Because it needs to be said, Dan," Kyle snapped at him, completely losing his patience and stopping his foot-tapping in the process.

Dan's facial expression stiffened as he continued to give off bad posture as well as more negative body language. A rope snapped inside of him. He knew that he was falling into a trap, and he had already fallen hard before. There was no way he was going to fall for that again. Sure, the other man could play games, but he could too. _After all, wasn't that what he had been doing for the past couple of months anyway?_

"We don't speak of that," Dan reminded the man that he thought had always been the one to fight his corner, though that was clearly not the case for the present.

Instantly, the bearded man shot up from his chair and directed a dirty look at him. He'd had enough now. The games hadn't bothered him before, but they were certainly starting to bother him at that moment. Originally, the Dan Smith he had met all those years ago had been a smart man - a man that would own up to the consequences of his actions, a man who would know when to admit he was wrong.

"Well, we do now!" Kyle announced proudly, throwing his arms up into the air for added effect which would have complimented his sarcasm a lot more nicely if his tone had sounded less angry.

From that moment onwards, the atmosphere in the small, stuffy studio room began to thicken with more tension and emotion. The two were staring each other down, wondering who would be the one to get another word in. There was a time when they thought that things would have never been that way, nor escalated to the level that it was at in present time.

In those few seconds the blue-eyed man was thinking of what he was going to say, one thought was prominent in his mind. As much as he wanted to say it to the bearded man, he really needed to think of it himself.

"Once we talk about this, it becomes _real_ ," Dan warned him seriously, as he had held off an explosive argument with the man for as long as possible.

False hope was delivered to the singer when he saw that familiar concerned flicker in the bearded man's eyes, though it quickly disappeared as he straightened his facial expression. _Of course, how could he expect him to be able to read his thoughts? He'd only been doing that for the last five minutes._

Patiently, the blue-eyed man waited for the other man to reply. Kyle cleared his throat before looking down at the floor whilst picking at his nails out of nervousness. Dan knew that he had _always_ tried to stay as far away from possible from confrontation, but he had to muster the strength for the both of them for both their sakes.

"You've put me in a very difficult position right now."

Feeling slightly offended, Dan also followed suit and stood up, taking a step from the seat he had been comfortably sitting in until Kyle had reintroduced drama into his life. _Did he really have the right to say that?_

"Difficult position? _Wake up_."

Kyle, who was taken aback by his friend's snappiness, widened his eyes. Though he had woken up on the wrong side of the bed, he'd had six cups of coffee that morning, because that had always been the requirement for his body to get through the band's recording slots. He'd been consuming that much for as long as he could remember, even way back when.

The bearded man wanted to have a _happy_ afternoon, so he walked over to the door, only for Dan to stand in his way. Kyle thought that if he stared at him for a few seconds intensely, he would back down. Firstly, he failed because he couldn't look into those piercing blue eyes for too long because they were too intimidating anyway, and secondly, he failed because Dan was as stubborn as hell, meaning that there was _no_ way he was stepping away from that door or out of his way any time soon.

"What are you trying to save me from anyway?"

"Dan, just don't test me, alright?"

Kyle let out a frustrated sigh as he took a step away from the man who was trying to test his patience. He retreated back to where he had been standing before, whilst Dan stayed put. They remained in their positions, just staring at one another out of years of knowing each other, out of awkward silences, out of hate, out of love.

Not too far from the room they were in were another three men walking back into the building, one of them with a coffee, the other with a not the best looking cheese and onion bake from a local café, whilst the other had already eaten off site. They happened to be walking back to the room they were booked in when they heard what sounded like shouting. Quickly, they rushed to the room to witness two figures arguing.

Dan was shouting at Kyle. In response, Kyle pushed a keyboard over and it made a loud noise, bad notes echoing all over the place. Charlie stood watching, dumbfounded at the sight of the broken keyboard he had grown attached to since touring with the band, naming it Keys and giving it special treatment compared to the other instruments the band possessed. Woody's curiosity got the better of him as he sipped his coffee and watched, whilst Will nudged him. Woody spilt some of his coffee and groaned before watching Will head over to the door.

Kyle and Dan had only noticed the rest of the band when Kyle had forcefully pushed past Dan and kicked open the door. Will had just been seconds away of being a casualty of Kyle's wrath. The rest of the band weren't sure what had been said, but it must have been pretty bad, because Kyle sped away from them all as fast as his legs could take him, whilst Dan stormed off in the other direction.

 

**A year ago**

 

A tall, slim man with almost black hair sat outside of a fast food restaurant in London with a cheap, droopy looking coffee and his feet up against the wooden bench seats that were increasingly uncomfortable as the time went on. It was a cold day that day, and he realised he had made a mistake by wearing a thin blue hoodie with a reasonably see-through white shirt with black writing on. He sighed and hoped he would learn to check the forecast the following day.

Another man joined him, without any food or drink, with a smile on his face despite the bitter coldness of the weather. From first glance, he could see that the blue eyed man wasn't in the best mood, so he purposely sat _right_ next to him and put an arm around him. It earned him a groan from Dan, who tried to shuffle away though Kyle's grip was too tight.

"You always know," Dan managed mumble, afraid that his lips would fall off in the upcoming winter weather.

At that, Kyle felt he had earned the right to smirk. After years of knowing the singer, well, it was going to be pretty accurate.

"Yep, I do," he confirmed proudly.

That, in itself, was enough to make the singer smile, exposing himself to the harsh winter winds that were biting at his skin. For all the time that he had known him, Kyle never ceased to amaze him and everyone else surrounding him with his positive vibes and the abilitiy to see the good in just about _anything_. Dan wondered if he saw the good in him.

The man sitting next to him was so good, so hopeful and bright, and he couldn't _possibly_ imagine hating his guts, even in the future, or thirty years from then when the band would have probably disbanded. He couldn't imagine any kind of resentment growing inside of him for the bearded man.

"Things, they're moving fast. Sometimes it's hard to come up for air, I guess. Sometimes I feel like I can't keep up anymore," Dan confessed, dreading his friend's reaction because he worried about him a lot.

There was that silence Dan had been afraid of. He'd never been one to openly talk about his problems, nor in private, mainly because he didn't want to burden anyone. Whenever he had talked about things in the past to his family, he had almost _always_ regretted it. Since he took off to university, he figured he would have been able to breathe, but that was a lie. As soon as he stepped foot in there, he found himself drowning in masses of textbooks and research that wasn't his own.

With Kyle being Kyle, the silence was broken within seconds of Dan's deep, intense thinking as he smiled back at the worried man. In confusion, Dan watched as a chirpy Kyle sprung to his feet, bouncing around before turning back to face him. The blue-eyed man raised an eyebrow at his friend's sudden burst of energy, because that was _never_ a good thing. For the likes of Dan, anyway.

"Try," Kyle prompted him.

Slowly, the blue-eyed man put his coffee to the side and gave his friend a funny look as he had no idea what he was talking about.

"Try?" Dan wondered.

Without warning, the bearded man started walking off, slowly picking up the pace. Feeling alarmed, the other man deserted his coffee and took to his feet, trying to catch up with his runaway friend. Within seconds, he found himself running after Kyle, and after a while, he was laughing because he had finally realised what he had meant. They ran that way for a whole two minutes, until Kyle slowed down and Dan overtook him.

By that point, they were both in stitches, but Dan stopped by a nearby fence, panting heavily. With that signature smile, he turned to him and thanked him.

 

**5 months ago**

 

Just before the band were due to dive into a performance after a gig they had been promised somewhere in London, a nervous Dan took Kyle aside backstage, aware of the prying eyes from some of the backstage crew members. Really, they were nice, but it was Dan's paranoia in those moments that seemed to enhance everything unnecessarily.

"Do...you really...think that we made the right decision?" Dan asked Kyle seriously, and he knew it wasn't the right place, but it needed to be done, and if he had waited any longer the outcome would have been worse because Kyle, after the performance, would take off as quickly as he could.

An also nervous Kyle Simmons looked over his shoulder, hearing the roar of fans near the stage. He and Dan did get anxiety before shows, but they usually shook it off. However, he suspected what Dan was talking about, and that certainly was _not_ helping calm his nerves in any way, shape or form in that moment.

Naturally, the bearded man took a deep breath and relaxed his shoulders, his brown eyes appearing a little more intimidating than usual.

"Honestly Dan, I don't know," was all Kyle could answer, because he wasn't one to leave another person hanging.

A hurt Dan watched as the man who he thought was his best friend walk past him like nothing happened. His heart was beating rapidly, but he knew that he had to get a grip, for the sake of his fans. So when Woody came backstage asking if he was alright, he put on that signature sile and said that he was fine. Woody usually knew when he was lying, but was a little tipsy that night (God help him if Will were to find out) and pulled the blue-eyed man out on stage.

Like how he had done many times before, once he heard the satisfied crowd chant his name and the band name, showing him their admiration for their music, he bit the bullet, briefly closed his eyes and put his lips near the microphone.

_If we're only ever looking back_

_We will drive ourselves insane_

_As the friendship goes resentment grows_

_We will walk our different ways_

After the performance, as usual, Dan was exhausted. On top of that, Kyle would get away from the rest of them as quickly as he could. He knew it was because of him, though he tried to ignore it. Kyle always made sure he had an excuse, whether it was thanking whoever was letting them use the venue, going to the toilet or greeting fans that wanted to stay around.

It was at that moment where Dan felt a weird feeling wash over him, some kinds of resentment growing for Kyle at how his actions were not matching his words.

To control his supposed anger, the blue-eyed man found himself pacing up and down the small area that the venue called backstage. Really, it was hot and stuffy and nobody should have been there. Various members of staff were giving him funny looks, though that was in the back of his mind. What he needed to do was let off some steam before he exploded.

Eventually, Dan sat down. It was at that moment, after much discussion, that Charlie approached him. Woody and Will had just figured that it was one of the things that Dan did whenever he felt overwhelmed. They were unaware that it had anything to do with Kyle. Feeling frustrated, Dan ran his hands through his dark hair.

"What do you do when someone has installed this doubt in you? A deep-rooted doubt that you can't just cut away at the ends?"

A perplexed Charlie tried his best to fix his confused facial expression as he tried to come up with a suitable answer for Dan's question. They'd known each other for the best part of three years since he had started touring with them, though the stuff that came out of his mouth sometimes baffled him.

"I suppose you gotta keep it up with that weedkiller, man."

Unimpressed, Dan raised an eyebrow. _That was why he did not tell people or let them know of his problems or when he was feeling stressed or upset._

"I guess you have to prove yourself worthy of this person's trust."

Dan nodded before quietly thanking Charlie. He got up and made his way into the toilets, pulling his phone out. His heart was in his mouth as he checked his messages despite how much his palms were sweating.

**Kyle**

_Dan: can you keep a secret?_

_Kyle: it shouldn't have to be that way_

_Dan: exactly_

_Kyle: alright, well, you know where to find me_

 

**Present Day**

 

"Woah, what happened?" Charlie asked the blue-eyed man, who was surprinsgly still standing after the shouting they had heard.

An annoyed Dan had almost turned red in the face. It was seconds after Kyle had stormed out of the studio following their massive argument. They'd had arguments like that before, but Dan was sure that there was no going back from that one. In fact, that one could be the very end of them.

But he didn't feel upset. He felt relieved.

Will unhelpfully suggested, "If you two could just try and sort it out-"

"Why would he listen to me anyway?" Dan sighed hopelessly, walking away from the rest of the band to have some time to cool off in the studio room that they'd booked, and essentially wasted.

Well, at least _he_ wasn't the one to walk away from the studio, he thought. He wasn't the one to run away from all of _his_ problems. Even if he didn't necessarily talk about them, he always tried to face them head on, unlike some of the people in his life. He didn't bother looking at his phone because Kyle had stopped replying to his messages a long time ago.


	2. Put Me in my Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> general update: recently when I uploaded this new fic, idk what happened but it glitched and uploaded itself another two times, so when I woke up in the morning a few days ago there was three of this for some reason, I contacted support (if that's the name, idk) and told them about the glitch, so I'm sorry if it caused any inconvenience as it was not intentional. idk why it happened. it's sorted now.
> 
> general update 2: I like comments, they inspire me to write faster  
> thank you if you are giving kudos to this and reading this trash I was surprised initially thank you very much  
> I still don't think this fic is as interesting as my other ones but thanks a lot. i'll make notes shorter (note to self) and this is a flashback chapter. as for chapter length I have a surprise i'm not telling you guys about
> 
> ***last update: I want you guys to be confused. If you aren't confused...eh...lmao idk i'm experimenting, it's probably not very good at the moment but I'm okay with that :') new year positive vibes and all

**18** **months ago**

In a pub on a rainy day was a determined Charlie Barnes who sat at a table of a dark oak and a patterned cloth on top if it. It was by no means anywhere near to being a restaurant, judging by the scratch marks on the furniture and what seemed like a clumsy member of staff spilling drinks three metres away from him. Despite all of that, it was a place where he liked to go. Nobody recognised him there. Nobody talked to him there. It was a place were he would sit down and think, and be free to do so.

His thought process was paused when he caught sight of the blue-eyed man approaching him, his blue hoodie stained with the relentless rainwater that was tipping down outside. Regardless, he still had that smile on his face, the smile that everyone always wanted to see. With ease, he pulled up a chair beside him and sat down next to Charlie. They didn't go out often (in terms of hanging out being non-music related) so it was nice when the band did manage to have some spare time to get together.

Though, Charlie had something on his mind, and he had been thinking about it for a while. He'd been going over it in his head as to whether it would sound insensitive. Naturally, he was a nice guy, and he had _always_ been a sweetheart.

Which meant he couldn't do it.

What he did do was buy Dan a drink and himself one too, because he was going to need it if he was going to continue to talk himself out of what he had originally planned to say to his friend. When he saw him practically bouncing on his seat and looking as happy as a kid on their birthday, how _could_ he say anything?

The conversation flow was as normal as it had always been. They would ask each other how they were and what they had been doing, though they had tried to avoid the second route into conversation since they spent most of their time with each other and the rest of the band so it was pointless asking. Charlie realised that he _may_ have wasted his time by inviting the singer to hang out with him if he hadn't set out with what he was planning to say.

As usual, by some point, even though the two knew each other relatively well, the conversation would come to a standstill. Dan turned to his phone, and what Charlie did notice was the massive grin on his face as he read his messages. He chuckled to himself at one point, forgetting that he was sitting beside a friend. As a result, Dan blushed instantly and looked up from his phone, almost dropping it. He apologised to Charlie quietly, running his hands through his hair.

"You seeing a girl?" Charlie asked him in general, mainly because of how red his face was and how embarrassed he'd been about what had just happened.

Quickly, Dan slipped his phone into his pocket to avoid any more moments like that from happening in front of anyone again. Briefly, he looked at Charlie, feeling that familiar nervous heat spreading across his face.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that. I mean, I think," Dan answered the question cheerfully before downing half of his drink that had not been touched since Charlie had bought it for him.

Charlie smiled back at him. They talked a little more after that, though most of Charlie's attention was on a woman sitting down by herself not to far from them. Her thick brown hair was covering most of her face, as well as the black eye makeup which made her seem even more mysterious. For a moment, he thought he had recognised her, but then he dismissed the idea and focused on his friend.

"You're in love, you idiot."

Dan almost jumped out of his seat in denial at the bold statement Charlie had just made, as there was no way he could be drunk considering what he had ordered. Though, the more Dan thought about what his friend had said, and the word _love_ itself, the more he began to associate that with the current situation that he was in.

Of course, there was no way. He'd never considered himself to be the type of person to fall head-over-heels for someone. Mainly because he'd never had the confidence to even _let_ himself fall in love with someone or get too attracted to them, because he felt self-conscious all the time and doubted that anyone could put up with him for more than five minutes.

However, Charlie could see the look on his face and he knew _all_ of the signs (perhaps a little too well) so as much as the blue-eyed man wanted to deny it, the thought was there now and there was no taking it back or stepping away from it.

"What _is_ love anyway?"

In response, Charlie raised an eyebrow and opened his mouth. Dan could predict what he was about to do and rolled his eyes. He started to sing the lyrics of that song that Dan had _always_ despised other people singing. Eventually, he'd had enough and nudged Charlie so hard that he almost flew out of his seat. Nevertheless, he started laughing at Dan's scowling.

They spent another hour there before getting more drunk than planned. Dan mostly needed it, really, because he got stressed a lot and didn't talk to anyone about it. Not that he talked to Charlie about it, but it was still good for him.

"Love is that massive grin you've got on your face right there," Charlie replied to Dan's question which had been asked over an hour ago.

Once again, Dan rolled his eyes. They hadn't been in there very long and they were already starting to get stares. Regardless, Dan reached out and punched Charlie's arm, and they got into a pathetic slapping fight which didn't go anywhere.

After more laughter and more drinks, it was surprising that the pair managed to get out of the pub in one piece without holding onto one another. (The reason being is that they were thrown out for being too drunk). They went back to the hotel that they were staying at, and the night was over.

Three days later, Dan was _pretty sure_ he was still working off that hangover he'd given himself when he had agreed to meet up with Charlie. What made it worse was that he had forgotten all about the party they were going to in the next hour. In a panic, Dan tore apart his hotel room looking for something to wear. He'd never been too bothered about coordinating his outfits, but for some reason, he wanted to put in a little bit of effort, so he drowned his clothing in aftershave.

At that, he got the regular-occurring eyebrow raise from Will, the oldest of the group. Whenever he did that, Dan knew he was disappointed. The blue-eyed man shrugged his shoulders as he was willing to risk choking everyone in the room to death just as long as he rocked that aftershave at the same time. Kyle was used to it, so it didn't faze him.

Upon arrival, the band went about their own business, though Charlie felt oddly out of place when he spotted a familiar face helping themselves to some snacks. He wondered whether it was alright to go over to them, but he thought otherwise and kept to himself. However, there wasn't a need for him to do anything because the woman walked over to him, her thick brown hair flowing past her shoulders. Charlie recognised her to be the woman he had seen a few days ago with Dan.

He could hear the drink in her hands fizzing in rhythm to the sound of music echoing from the walls and into his ears. She looked up at him, her eyes a rare shade of green, empathised by her heavy black eye makeup. For some reason, she seemed pleased to see him. Charlie suspected he may have been staring at the woman he didn't really know that well a little too much, so he cast his eyes away from her and to the nearest door.

"Hey. You got thrown out of that pub," she realised, and that had to be one of the greatest conversation starters that anyone on Earth had seen in a while.

Charlie chuckled because there wasn't really any way of getting out of that one, considering that she had been a witness. _Heck, it had all been a bit of fun anyway._

"I wouldn't say thrown, I'd say _voluntarily walked out_ ," Charlie twisted the story with a laugh and over-exaggerated hand gestures to make himself sound a bit more believable, which backfired.

To his surprise, the woman laughed, her hand nervously arched over her mouth whilst the other was holding tightly onto whatever she was drinking. At that point, he had been expecting her to make an excuse to leave, but she stayed.

"My name is Lucy."

"Charlie."

As if on cue, they both smiled at each other, taking an interest in the food at the party that wasn't inexpensive biscuits and stale crisps.

Meanwhile, a bored Dan was leaning against a wall having finished three drinks that he was still unsure what was in them. Despite that, he was perfectly fine with not conversing with anyone. He hardly got any time to himself or to be alone, so he savoured it whenever he had the opportunity to. If it wasn't for those few, sacred minutes a day, he would have been sure to drive himself insane.

Those minutes ceased into existence as Dan felt someone placed their hand on his arm for a brief moment. Slowly, he turned to the side to see the face of Kyle. The Kyle he was looking at, however, was running purely on alcohol and happiness considering how wide his smile was. _That was never a good sign,_ Dan thought. 

He was okay with that.

All of a sudden, Kyle's grip on Dan's arm tightened. Dan's heart raced as Kyle pulled him into the cupboard that was beside them. The singer's vision was blurred as he was dragged into the store cupboard, yelping having hitting the side of his head off a nearby shelf. He felt very confused when the bearded man closed the door and turned on the light. It suddenly occurred to Dan that he and his friend were in a very confined space. _Should he have felt really uncomfortable or just a bit uncomfortable?_

Kyle was definitely drunk.

"Hey," Dan broke the silence, his voice coming out in a whisper instead of his normal voice, clearly showing his desperation to hide how fast his heart was beating inside of his chest in those few moments.

The moments that he would have been willing to spend in silence, on his own. Now that those moments were substituted for something else, he didn't mind.

"Hey," Kyle greeted the singer, his voice also passing his lips as a low whisper as he smirked at the confused man in front of him.

 _Though, was it really necessary for him to pull him inside of a stranger's store cupboard?_ Thoughts were debating with each other in the singer's brain whilst that silence came about again, consisting of the men starting at each other and not saying anything. Kyle realised that he did not have a plan for what he would say or do next. He cleared his throat to say something, but it came out in mumbles. Dan tried to say something too, but the same happened to him.

Kyle finally decided to come out with it. He was standing next to his best friend, so he didn't understand why he was having so much trouble. It was if he had lost control of all of his words.

"Uh, I was thinking we could go-"

"And get some coffee tomorrow?"

A surprised Kyle looked at a smiling Dan like he had read his mind. He nodded. _He really needed to have more social interactions with other people._ With that, and an awkward minute spent deciding who would leave the cupboard first, the arrangement was settled.

The following day presented less of an awkward atmosphere as Kyle sat in a relatively empty coffee place he couldn't pronounce the name of at ten past eleven. It wasn't awkward, mainly because he was the only person in there as well as four other members of staff preoccupied by their phones. Dan arrived five minutes after Kyle had, and Kyle was pleased to see him. Dan was pleased at the sight of a large cup of hipster madness (as Kyle called it) sat on the table in front of him.

As Kyle watched Dan put the straw to his lips of his iced coffee, his eyes focused on his friend for a moment as he considered the consequences of accepting a free drink off of someone. He withdrew the straw from his lips.

"What's the occasion?"

Kyle tried to fake being offended by putting his hands together on the table. Then, he shrugged his shoulders to try to play it cool. He'd been doing that his whole life, but it wasn't helping him in that moment.

"Can't I treat a friend?"

Dan's body language did not relax as he eyed Kyle as well as the coffee he refused to drink until he found out what was going on. When Kyle was acting all weird and serious, that just screamed danger on so many levels.

"Well, we normally tell each other what's going on in our lives...and I was just wondering if you were seeing someone because you've been so weirdly happy lately," Kyle explained, though he wasn't expecting an answer to the question.

A surprised Dan finally decided to sip some of his iced coffee. He knew what a bribe tasted like, and he was definitely drinking it. It didn't calm him down that much though, because he turned red and very clumsy as he knocked his coffee over which he and Kyle tried to salvage with a couple of tissues. Once that embarrassing moment was over with, Dan realised he had to come up with an answer to the question.

"Oh no, no. I'm just h-happy with the progress the band is m-making and....and stuff," the singer stuttered, not appearing calm and collected at all.

The bearded man raised an eyebrow at that, because he knew a flustered Dan when he saw one. Regardless, he acted as if he was unaffected by his friend's blatant lying. They hadn't gotten into bad confrontation before, not ever. As nice as Kyle thought of himself to be, he felt envious of another band member in those seconds. He waited a whole two minutes to compose himself.

"You said different to Charlie," Kyle pointed out.

To an outsider, the basis of Kyle's argument may have seemed quite petty, but he had shared delicate things with Dan especially as well as the rest of the band so finding out what had gone wrong was important to him.

That Dan hadn't been willing to do the same.

The singer's facial expression changed, and his blue eyes seemed a little duller in spite of the bright lights from the place they were in. That was clearly the face of a liar, and Kyle didn't like it. Keeping secrets was what tore friends apart, what tore bandmates apart. He seemed flustered and out of place.

"I did. I'm sorry. You had every reason to put me in my place. It's complicated," Dan apologised.

Though Kyle wasn't entirely convinced by his friend's apology, he pretended as if he was and nodded, drumming his fingers on the table and waiting for the time to pass. He wasn't mad at him, because there was no way he could be.

A night later, Dan found himself outside of the hotel he and the rest of the band were staying at. His phone was to his ear, and he had been having a conversation with someone for the last two minutes.

"Do you feel like you're in chains sometimes?"

"That's a bit kinky, even for this hour-"

"No, not like that, Christ. Like you constantly feel like you can't move anywhere."

"Where's this coming from?"

"I don't know."

The conversation continued from there how it normally would, with the person on the other end listening like a caring parent. It wasn't something he talked about often, but he felt okay as long as it was that person.

That person to put him in his place.


	3. Kindness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****I would prepare yourself.  
> dw it's nothing too bad but don't kill me lol
> 
> life update: I got inspired, so that's two chapters for you guys this week. That means the probability of getting a chapter next week is 0%. oops, I have mock exams.
> 
> my general update is the fact that i'm getting A LOT of positive feedback on this and idk why, i'm glad you guys are enjoying this even though I'm confusing the crap out of you. so thank you for the comments especially, because I like those, and the kudos, as usual it means a lot. Originally I was going to make this short but I think I'll make it a little longer than I planned
> 
> ***see notes at end of the chapter (please, it links I promise it's not me rambling lmao)

Woody and Will, whilst in their hotel, were dealing with a very annoyed Kyle. In fact, they hadn't seen him that mad, like ever. They weren't sure how to fix things. The Kyle they were watching was pacing up and down his hotel room. At first, he had been throwing things around, like his clothes and his aftershaves. Of course, out of concern, Woody had wanted to intervene, but Will had told him not to quietly in case he got caught in the crossfire, considering he was nearly knocked out with a door back at the studio.

That Kyle was something else.

After the pacing had stopped, they figured it would be a good time to say something, but even Will was wary at the consequences of doing so. It had been almost a full two hours since the massive argument they'd witnessed at the studio. They'd known Kyle a long time, and he was one of the nicest people on earth. Sure, he was sarcastic sometimes, but that was always to lighten the mood and get people's spirits up. He had always thought about others, so they were struggling to understand why what happened had even been allowed to happen in the first place.

The feeling was mutual when Woody whispered to Will that he didn't want to find out what had been bothering Kyle. Obviously, he must have been keeping it bottled up for a good while. People like Kyle did not suddenly rant at someone when they got angry. Quite frankly, that was a very _Woody-like_ thing to do. There were times he'd gotten angry at things as simple as a watermelon. The Kyle he knew was the kind of person to hold things in, even if he hated doing so, just for the sake of another person. Woody didn't want to find out because he was afraid that the new information would scare him. It _had_ to be something big, something that stretched back over a longer period of time than just a day.

That Kyle seemed to be disappearing.

To their surprise, the bearded man had stopped moving through his hotel room altogether. He took a deep breath and sat down, his shoulders relaxing and his eyes closed. The two other men in the room took that as a good sign. Regardless, they watched him to make sure. Will stared him down first. After another deep breath, Kyle opened his eyes, looking up at the ceiling and not in his bandmate's eyes. Another minute of intense staring on Will's part was enough to break the silence that had been hanging in the air for the last two and a half hours.

That was a lot of time for someone to calm down.

"I don't like that look," the bearded man mumbled, looking at Will because he knew that the expression on his face was intentional, and he could never _not_ say anything when he did do that.

Will's facial expression relaxed. _Yep, that was totally on purpose,_ Kyle thought.

"I don't like it either," Woody commented.

That wasn't in the script, and at that, Will shot his long-haired friend a dirty look. Thankfully, he was quite immune to that, so he didn't sink back in his seat.

"We...had a disagreement. Mainly because he wasn't being honest with me," Kyle went onto explain, and he didn't care how petty it sounded.

Woody and Will, who were sat in front of him, nodded. They knew how much the bearded man valued honesty, and hated it when he was lied to or when someone hurt him.

Hours passed, and Woody and Will are worried at Charlie's absence because it reflected Dan's absence. Charlie had gone after Dan, and considering the fact that he hadn't gotten back yet showed that there was no finding the blue-eyed man anytime soon. Woody looked outside, and it was raining heavily.

"I'm a bit worried right now because he isn't back yet. I know he doesn't have any money on him, so he can't be staying in a hotel," Woody expressed.

Though Kyle didn't directly speak about it, he forgot his pride in that moment and grabbed his coat. They would usually use Dan's car, but that was parked somewhere else. He was reckless, so he would usually leave it anywhere. Will and Woody watched in awe as Kyle left them in his hotel room.

Woody turned to Will, raising his eyebrows. 

"Don't be ridiculous," Will replied to Woody's gesture.

Somewhere in the city, a blue-eyed man wearing a thin hoodie was stood in the rain in an alleyway watching people go by. By some point, he had decided that he looked a little creepy, so he stepped out of the alleyway. As a result, he bumped into someone. Dan shut his eyes and apologised quickly, hoping the stranger wasn't in a bad mood. When he heard the person's voice apologise to him, it was a man's. A familiar voice he'd heard many times before. Slowly, the singer looked up at the man.

"I know you, stranger," the man greeted him, with a smile he felt as if he hadn't seen in a long time, given what events had happened since.

"I know you too," was all Dan managed to say, in shock that this person was suddenly in his eyesight, and he was giving them his full attention.

Even though no words were said after that, as if they had read each other's minds, they walked into a brightly lit convenience store. Dan's friend bought the drinks. Given his forgetful nature, Dan was surprised he remembered what he liked. They walked out of the store after that, a drink in each hand.

It was only when they were sitting in the park, side by side when Dan was asked a question that he wasn't sure he would be able to answer.

"Why are you here with me?"

A confused Dan turned his head to face his friend. _What kind of question was that?_ He took a moment to think about it again and what it could mean.

"I had to be."

Slowly, Dan consumed the rest of his drink. The other man felt confused by the misty look in his blue eyes, which had once been clear. There was a time when he'd been able to see through them, but the chances of that happening again seemed very thin. Still, he went along with it.

For the singer's sake.

The hour consisted of them laughing and drinking, their speech bouncing off one another whilst they got a few stares. Dan realised he had been drinking a little too much over the past few days, but it was needed. It was the only way to make those thoughts disappear, the thoughts that came to surface when he felt as if he was lost at sea.

Though, one of them had to say goodbye at some point. Reluctantly, the other man stood up, dusting himself off from being sat on a park bench for so long. The hardest thing was watching his friend's happy expression fade away, and all of a sudden Dan was launched back into that darkness of the night again. Sometimes, it seemed like the night was all he had. It was reliable, for it always came around. Unlike people, who came and went.

Of course, he couldn't stand the sight of the blue-eyed man's sadness, so he offered him a hand.

"I'm gonna call a taxi, I'm getting you home."

Dan, who was confused, blinked to make sure the gesture his friend had just made had been real. Although it took him longer than anticipated for him to accept an act of kindness, he took the man's hand. He felt the warmth coming from it, reminding him of another warmth he craved for, the warmth of another.

In the space of ten minutes, a taxi pulled up. The singer felt a little confused, and he wasn't sobering up anytime soon. He'd known the man for years. If he wasn't drunk, he figured that he would be able to practically read his mind.

Before Dan knew what was happening, his friend was pushing him into the taxi. With some mumbling, the singer did get in the back of the taxi, the short burst of conversation between his friend and the taxi driver indistinct over his own protesting. His friend held the door to the taxi open, watching Dan's wide eyes staring back at him like a lost puppy. _Then again, he'd always been like that when he was drunk._

"You'll see me again."

Feeling deflated. Dan watched as the man disappeared as the taxi driver drove off. That tiny bit of happiness, that tiny spark, was gone now, and there was nothing he could do about it. After the day he'd had, he needed every bit of happiness that he could get. The happiness that others that had been unable to provide him. The singer told the taxi driver to pull up nearby a quiet street somewhere in London. Dan was going to pay him, until the taxi driver let him know that his friend had paid for him.

There it was again - that kindness.

With a start, he stumbled out of the taxi, almost falling over onto the ground at the shock of the cold weather that hit him as soon as he got out. He found himself standing in what looked like a deserted street, the houses looking old and rotten. Ivy grew up the sides of nearly all of the houses, covering most of them, suggesting that there had been obvious signs of neglect from the local council. Regardless, Dan shrugged his shoulders because he wasn't living there, though he did take time to stop and care for what could have been a nice area for children to play or something nice like that.

It wasn't all the time, but sometimes, Dan wondered what it would be like to live on a deserted street, in a deserted town. One would have to be very independent to withstand the pressures of living alone their whole life, having no human contact. Despite all that, one issue they would never have to face was being let down, because there was nobody there to do so.

With that thought in mind, the singer knew where to go. He dug his hands deep into his pockets and took a right on the deserted street, followed by more dodgy directions and twisted turns and very uneven pavements. What he did come across was a road that he had visited with others before, a road that had reminded him of the glory days. Those days were when they had that photoshoot in the dark, making him look all cool with his wild hair reaching out in all directions. Those days where they laughed and drank together. Those days where there were no voices on their shoulders.

As much as he wanted to stay, remembering the past was starting to haunt him, so he decided to turn back to the city again. He wasn't too far from the hotel that he'd been staying at for the last week. He continued walking on foot with his head down, trying to blend into the night. Just as he was about to make his way down another street, he lost his footing, his drunkenness not helping him find his balance. With a thud, he fell, hitting his head off of something hard on the pavement. He didn't remember crying out, or anything like that.

Dan winced as he felt some kind of moisture forming at the back of his head. He was too drunk to fully understand what he had just done. All he could see was the night sky facing him, and he suddenly felt anxious. The winter air was biting at his skin and fingers. It was as if his body had given up on him.

What he did remember was lying in the dirt, looking up for heaven. **** ~~~~

At the sound of someone thumping about in the corridors, Woody got up from his bed. It must have been fast approaching midnight when he got up from his bed to see what could have been causing all of the noise. He opened his door to discover it was none other than Kyle, who smiled and grinned at him instantly.

"Wood, you got my key card? Bloody lost it."

A confused Woody went back into his room temporarily to fetch it for him, though he wondered how the hell he'd gotten back into the hotel without it. He then rapped his knuckles on Will's door. With a loud groan, Will emerged in the hotel's fluffy slippers that Woody laughed at. As a result, Woody suffered a punch to his arm, but he was used to it.

Kyle was insistent on them coming into his hotel room. Reluctantly, they followed him inside. From what they could tell, he hadn't found Dan or any news on him.

"You seem...better," Will observed, not sure how to phrase his sentence because there was what seemed like a new man standing in front of him.

When the bearded man walked past them, they could smell the booze. Woody rolled his eyes, but at least the drunkenness was improving his mood, though he was sure to come crashing down later.

"I feel better. I just wish things had been different, not like the car crash they are now," Kyle expressed.

The two men had no idea what that had meant or who it had been aimed at, but at least he was willing to talk to them without steam coming out of his ears. It was progress, they figured, so they would take it.

Almost a whole hour passes before Dan moved from the position he was in. Nobody had walked past him to help him, probably because nobody was alive and kicking at almost one in the morning. Somehow, he regained the strength to stand up, stretch his fingers and yawn. He was surprised at how much pain he was in, not realising the extent of his fall earlier. Despite the pain in his head, he continued to make his way back to the hotel.

He must have been two roads away from the hotel before it happened. It had just passed ten past one in the morning, and Dan was happy enough taking his chances with the bumpy pavements of London. However, he felt confused when he heard a noise. A defaning one. It sounded like the screeching of tires. Dan's eyes widened. He seemed to be the only person walking about at that time. A car came speeding down the main road, from what he could tell. The driver must have realised his mistake at not taking into account the icy conditions, narrowly dodging a parked car.

And swerving straight into the singer's path.

Dan stood, frozen in time. He remembered shutting his eyes, hearing the sound of the car trying to stop, until all sound was blocked out as he was hit, for sure he was hit as he fell to the ground. The act of kindness was soon forgotten as the singer began to lose consciousness. The thought of happiness was slipped from his fingers., as he struggled to picture that _one_ person.

He'd never see them again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can comment if you want: who do you think the man was that Dan met in the chapter?
> 
> I like trying this different writing style
> 
> peace out x


	4. Too Close

 

Kyle sat where he was, feeling very anxious. His knees and legs were shaking. Woody was one his fourth cup of coffee to keep himself awake. Will was silent. In the beeping and the constant noises of the place they were in, there was no way Kyle was not going to drive himself insane. Thoughts ran through his head, those _soppy, important_ ones that someone got. At that moment, he didn't try to block them out, because he needed them to keep him sane.

The doctor's words rang through his ears, he took note of them of course - the loss of blood, a couple of bruises, a broken arm, and a fractured left hand. He'd tried to call Dan's parents, but they weren't in London at the time, but his mother felt very distressed on the call. Will kept her updated every time they heard something new, because Kyle was in no state to talk to anyone. He couldn't help but feel guilty, as if he had been the cause for the situation he would have to face soon.

When he was allowed into the next room, he slowly walked in, gulping at all the machines and everything attached to his friend. What he did do was pull up a chair beside him and take it all in. Woody and Will stood outside. Will had been about to go in to see if he was alright, but Woody held his arm back. Charlie, however, had just come back with another two coffees. Where he had been all night was unknown, and Will _really didn't_ want to ask him, either, so they left it at that.

Then, Kyle linked his hands with Dan's, trying not to stare at all of his bruises and injuries. When he felt the warmth of Dan's hand, he was satisfied, but then came the realisation that he would be the last person Dan Smith would want to see when he woke up. Dan had been lucky to escape with those injuries.

Will looked back at Woody, understanding why he had pulled him back a few minutes earlier.

Kyle fell asleep at Dan's beside. It wasn't until ten in the morning the following day that the singer woke up, surprised to be in a hospital. He was surprised that Kyle's hands were in his. Since he was bitter, he removed his hand from his friend's. That, to his dismay, woke Kyle up. Kyle knew not to get too excited. The way Dan was looking at him said it all.

"I'm sorry. I came because I care."

"I'm not as drunk as I would like to be right now to hear this bullshit."

Shocked, Kyle felt uncomfortable in his seat at all the dark energy that was surging out of Dan's eyes and into his soul. _That was new_ , the bearded man thought. He was used to the words coming out of his mouth, but not that stare.

Kyle started asking, "I mean, where did you go last night? You got drunk-"

"How is that any of your concern?" Dan asked him, and Kyle hated the tone of his voice because it was all accusatory.

"Dan, you're lying in a fucking hospital bed," Kyle tried to make a point, and he felt as if it was falling on deaf ears.

They knew that if one of them kept talking, it would turn into an argument, and that was the saddest thing, despite what had just happened. The bearded man knew his place. With the rest of the band walking in, he thought about leaving without saying goodbye, but he was better than that. Better than what Dan thought of him, anyway. _He would prove him wrong_ , he thought. In the end, he did say goodbye to Dan, but was given the silent treatment.

A treatment of which was new, and it was a shock at first though he should have been expecting it, in all fairness because they hadn't been on the best terms lately.

"I'm gonna wait as long as it takes, so, I'll be here."

Will, Woody and Charlie exchanged nervous looks whilst they showered the singer with sympathy. Charlie did want to go after the bearded man, but Will quietly said that it wouldn't be a good idea, which he was right to assume.

Even though the seats outside Dan's room looked uncomfortable, Kyle tried to make himself comfortable on them. He'd stayed overnight at the hospital, and as a result of being in a rush he was wearing his tracksuit bottoms and an awfully thin shirt. Kyle spread himself out across the seats, hoping to get some more sleep. There was constant noise in the background, so the thought of sleep itself seemed so far away.

Whilst the rest of the band went back to the hotel to get some of Dan's things, the bearded man had surprisingly fallen asleep. Nurses that walked by were debating whether or not to throw a blanket over him.

Unbeknownst to most, a man wandered into the ward that Dan was in with a bouquet of flowers in one hand. The singer had never been too fond of them, but he figured it was the thought that counted. Slowly, he walked to Dan's room with the flowers in hand. He almost turned around because he wasn't sure why he was there, exactly. Well, the situation had always been a hard one to explain, which was why he never really got into it. Regardless, he was putting the effort in now.

Carefully, he placed the flowers into a nearby vase. He was given a kind smile from a nurse passing by. After all, he'd always had that happy, eccentric vibe. Once he was done, he did consider pulling up a chair and sitting at his friend's beside, but he knew that if he did that, then he would not leave.

He could remember the last time that he didn't leave.

The man walked back to Dan, viewing some of the bruises, his broken right arm and what seemed like a broken wrist on his left hand, too. He was about to say a few words to him until he heard two nurses talking outside.

"Yeah, he's been here since he was rushed into hospital. Car accident, poor thing."

"Must really care about him."

The nurses returned back to their duties on the ward. The stranger then looked across at a sleeping Kyle. It had been a while since he had seen him, too. Then, he looked at Kyle again, thinking about the conversation between the two nurses. He observed a sleeping Dan and shook his head, switching his gaze between his friend and Kyle.

"Icarus," he whispered, thinking about the mess the singer had gotten himself into - which, quite frankly, was going to prove very difficult in getting himself out of.

But the stranger didn't want to be the one to clip his wings, so he went on with his way. It wasn't his place to pass judgement. Dan had to sort that out for himself. Besides, it looked like he wasn't needed in his life anyway. He wasn't bitter, though he felt content that he wasn't involved in that hideous cycle anymore.

The singer woke up an hour or so later after the stranger had left. He'd been surprised that he slept well, because it was a nightmare adjusting to an appropriate sleeping position considering he couldn't move any of his hands. Even though it had felt like he'd been hit by three cars at different angles, he was able to stand up. It did take two minutes because most of his strength came from the lower half of his body. With a lot of effort, he walked over to the flowers that were on the windowsill. He admired them for a moment, and he noticed a small piece of card next to them.

 _Told you_.

_\- Ralph_

He frowned, wondering why an old friend would visit him. Dan hadn't seen him in years, not since he was first starting out with the band. _That felt like a lifetime ago._

Then, it clicked.

His face flushed an embarrassed red, because he realised that he must have ran into him on the night of the accident. Dan was worried at what he might have said, or even worse, what he might have done. The singer stopped thinking about it momentarily as he guessed that he had probably made some stupid bet or something.

Somehow, he managed to hop back onto his bed without anyone noticing his movement. He knew his friends were out getting his things, though however angry he was, he couldn't cast his gaze away from Kyle's direction. He had to have been cold sleeping out in the hallway all night instead of in his room. Of course, he wasn't ready to let go of his grudge, so he just politely asked his nurse to put a blanket over him instead.

Four days later, Dan settled back into his flat in London. He'd been against it, but the rest of the band had decided to stay there too. Roughly almost three weeks had passed.

Kyle was adamant with what he had said, so he was always in the background. The singer was having trouble adjusting to the whole lack of hands thing. For the moment, his left was better than his right, since it wasn't in a full cast. Though, he still did have great difficulty in dressing himself.

Dan had been in his room at the time, trying to button his shirt. Unfortunately, Kyle was the nearest at that time, so he cautiously walked to the singer's side. It wasn't like the blue-eyed man could really protest, so he stood where he was as Kyle's hands slipped and his warm fingertips touched his skin. The singer blushed furiously, looking away from him. _Great timing,_ he thought. He knew that the bearded man was only doing him a favour, but he was too close - the lack of actual physical human contact for the last few days had made him feel that way.

Even though Dan continued to hold his grudge against his friend, Kyle still made sure to be friendly, but in no way was Dan the villain, nor Kyle. It did hurt the bearded man when his friend wouldn't respond to him. He'd asked him how his day had been and how he was feeling, every day since the accident, and he still wouldn't get a reply.

"I'll try to be there for you. Hell, I'm your friend. I mean, I'll try to be your friend while I still can, but for now, I'll do that at a distance, OK?"

The blue eyed man studied his friend for a moment. They both knew what that meant, but they would never talk about _it_ in normal terms. They always talked about it as if it was something minor, something that wouldn't have affected them.

Dan missed his chance as Kyle walked out of his room and got on with whatever he was doing before. He remembered something that Ralph had said to him once, so he kept that in mind. He was given a second chance when he found the bearded man asleep on the sofa in the living room (someone had to have it). All he did was sit next to him, but that was enough.

He was okay with that, even if he was too close.

When Kyle woke up, he was surprised to see Dan sitting next to him. In a sleepy daze, he sat up very slowly, his body at an angle as he stared back at his friend. Once again, he could never stare at Dan for too long. It made him feel weird.

"Are you uncomfortable?" Dan asked him, and it would have been a normal question with a simple answer to anyone else, but not to those two.

The air thickened, and the flat was silent.

"No. Do you plan to make me uncomfortable?" Kyle questioned the man sat next to him, raising an eyebrow as he was aware he was holding an actual conversation with Dan, and he hadn't been able to do that for what felt like months.

"I can do that," Dan had started to say, getting up suddenly and walking to his room, opening the door with his good hand before coming to a halt to look back at his friend to further reply with "My door is open".

The singer disappeared inside of his room, sitting on his bed. Meanwhile, Kyle, for once, actually wanted to think about the consequences of his actions. He stopped for a moment and thought about the positives and negatives. The time he spent doing that, however, went to waste as he rose from the sofa and headed into Dan's room, closing the door. He sighed, knowing he would regret his decision like he always did.

Three hours or so later, the rest of the band returned from their day out. They were surprised to not find Kyle anywhere in the flat, and his favourite shoes were still by the door, so that meant he couldn't have gone out.  As Will made his way to Dan's room to check on him, Woody told him not to. Will rolled his eyes. Woody told him and Charlie to be silent.

 _Two_ voices could be heard coming from Dan's room. 

Woody then proceeded to gloat about being right. Will hit him over the head, whilst Charlie stood in the kitchen, wishing he had said what he had been planning to say to the singer well over a year ago.

That he knew. 

Dan and Kyle were laughing, like the old times. They'd been sat up talking for hours, and everything had returned to normal again. They didn't mind if the normality was short term, because they really needed it, even if it had to be in small doses. Since the small cast had been taken off of Dan's left hand, he tried moving his fingers. In pain, he winced. Thoughtfully, Kyle linked his fingers with Dan's. The gesture wasn't overlooked by the singer.

When he felt that cold heat coming from the bearded man's hands, he began to realise what plight Icarus had gotten himself into.

He'd gotten too close.

What saved him was what sounded like the rest of the band watching TV in his living room, so he asked Kyle if he wanted to join. They went into the living room, where Charlie was bothering Will and Woody would scowl because if he did that, he would get injured. The pair sat on the sofa with a blanket whilst Woody and Will were exchanging confused looks. With Kyle and Dan, it was best to leave it until it exploded again.

Though, Charlie had come across the card left for Dan, and he couldn't help but think of the intentions of the sender.


	5. A Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, a week and it's here again. :')  
> I like comments! REALLY like them. Honestly.  
> I've written ahead by about 4 chapters so technically I could have published this sooner but I'm evil lmao forgive me  
> and yes, you are still meant to be confused, dw  
> confession: I bought some bastille merchandise the other day I was so gassed yessss  
> I had my first mock exam of the year and I flopped it, oh well

**4 years ago**

Dan was staring at the back of someone which he thought had been one of his closest friends. It wasn't like they had fallen out or anything, it was just that things were weird for them. They were weird because he couldn't tell his friend how he felt.

"I'll do what you want if you stay the night," the singer offered, and he realised the connotations of that only _after_ he had said it.

He must have liked the sound of that, because he turned around.

"I really don't think I should," he teased the singer, and Dan rolled his eyes in response.

For once, the blue eyed man decided to take control and started with the intense staring. He knew that was his friend's weakness.

So they went into Dan's room. It wasn't something he wanted to make a habit out of, but he easily pulled a packet of something out of his drawer. He and his friend were already drunk by that point, though Dan craved something more. His friend did raise an eyebrow, but he wouldn't know any better.

They sat and talked for a while. It was about the usual, how things with their bands were going, their family life, the stress and all of that.

Dan draped his arms around the other man. His friend gave him a funny look.

"Are you sober?"

The singer frowned at the question; because the answer was obvious enough- he wasn't even sure if he was drunk or high.

"Fuck no."

It was as if the tension in the room grew, and in those moments the two men came to a kiss, a long, overdue kiss. The kiss was passionate, with each man running their hands through the other's hair, carelessly using tongues when they felt it was needed. Neither of them could hold back anymore. The cocaine and the drinks they had were soon pushed to the side and forgotten in the mix of heat and clashing teeth and lips.

"Ralph," Dan whispered, breathless from the passionate exchange of saliva they'd just experienced.

The interaction hadn't been planned, inside, the singer was surprised, as was Ralph. Dan had always enjoyed his company, though that showed just _how_ much.

He figured things would change after that.

**3 years ago**

The band happened to go out clubbing on night on tour. It had been really hard to convince Charlie to go for some reason, but at least he decided to show. In the heat of the nightclub, he felt really out of place there, but he would push through the night like he always did. Of course, he was more of an introvert, but as long as he kept himself busy he would be fine.

Though he wasn't sure why, women did approach him. He would smile awkwardly, get nervous and he would tell them he was taken, interested in men or grieving. It usually kept people away from him, and he liked that.

So when he took a breather outside, he had expected not to see anything out of the ordinary. Then, in the darkness of the night, he saw a pair of familiar blue eyes to which he recognised to be Dan's. Charlie was about to say hello, but he thought better of it. He'd just started touring with the band and even though they had invited him out, he didn't feel like she should. When he looked at the singer again, he was surprised to find him in the arms of another, because the guys had said that was something Dan didn't tend to do on nights out. Charlie was even more surprised to find him kissing someone unexpected, too.

That night, Charlie felt as if he couldn't face the others as he felt a whole new weight on his shoulders.

**8 months ago**

"Just know that I didn't want things to be like this," Kyle whispered softly, his gaze at the ground as he prayed for the ground to swallow him whole.

In the pouring rain, Dan stood opposite him, the freezing droplets scattering across his skin. It wasn't an argument, for they never argued. Nor was it a disagreement. The only thing the singer knew he was certain of was that things were slowly going downhill, and all of the emotions would boil over - it would only be a matter of time.

Through soaked eyelashes, hair plastered to his forehead and cold skin, he looked at his brown eyed friend for a moment. He tried to sympathise with him.

"I know. I should have walked away," Dan replied, and he had been hesitant to admit that at first in case it hurt Kyle's feelings.

The rain, although it washed things away, the emotion on Kyle's face was still evident. It was a kind of raw emotion, one that Dan had rarely seen since they had met. The singer realised the rain couldn't wash away his own feelings, or the past. Rain did not wash things away that were already set in stone.

"Walk away," Kyle said to him, and though his sentence had only been two words long, it had been enough for Dan to get the message.

 _If_ he was high.

He watched as the bearded man turned around to walk off into the distance, the heavy rain making his footsteps heavier and his sighs deeper. Dan proceeded in making his way to him, grabbing hold of his wrist, forcefully making the younger man face him. Kyle's heart was racing as he had no control of his wrist, and the other man's grip was tight.

Then Dan saw it. The tears that were disguised as rainwater running down his pale cheeks. It was the third time he had seen the man cry, and he hated seeing him so upset, especially when he was the reason why.

"Let me go."

Adamantly, the blue eyed man shook his head to protest.

"Daniel, let me go."

When the younger man got annoyed and tried to break free of the older man's grasp, Dan took control of his other free wrist. In shock, Kyle gasped and stood very still. The predicament he was in had forced him to look at Dan.

"In a world that I don't know whether I'll wake up tomorrow or not, there is _no way_ I'm letting you go."

Slowly, Dan lowered Kyle's shaking wrists, rainwater rolling off of them. Kyle seemed to relax, looking at the singer closely. Dan embraced him, to which he returned. Kyle couldn't imagine being away from his friend, because it seemed damn impossible.

**28 months ago**

In the hotel they happened to be staying in, Dan was looking forward to the seafood on the menu downstairs at eight, whilst Kyle was sitting aimlessly in his room doing nothing. Charlie, for some reason, suggested that he should go and check on the bearded man, so he did.

As he stepped into Kyle's room, he wasn't surprised to find him on the bed, wrapped in what seemed like a thousand blankets, finishing a movie. Dan rolled his eyes. Before he could leave the room, Kyle pulled him onto the bed beside him, wrapping him in bed covers. Dan couldn't help but notice how close he was to Kyle.

"Am I crossing any lines yet?"

" _Many_."

Kyle smirked at that, his eyes focused on the singer's face. Dan was confused at first. An uneasy feeling washe dover him. _Was he going to regret paying Kyle a visit?_

"Can we order room service? You can eat seafood here."

The singer blushed out how blunt Kyle was being without realising. He nodded, and watched as his friend ordered a ridiculous amount of food. Surprisingly, the room service came on time, they collected their food and laid it out accordingly. As they watched _Twin Peaks_ for the one hundredth time, Dan was happy consuming his seafood whilst Kyle wrinkled his nose.

Thankfully, they did manage to get into a chocolate selection box. Dan was about to dive right in when Kyle raised an eyebrow and told him to wait. He spent some time deciding what to pick before putting it to the singer's lips, watching Dan's face as he savoured the taste of it.

"Did you like that?"

"Mhm."

With that, Kyle choose the same type of chocolate before putting it in his mouth, to Dan's dismay. He knew what his friend was doing and figured that two could play at that game. Looking at the selection box, there was one type that Kyle especially liked, so he picked the _only_ one.

"That's a little unfair," Kyle whispered, the hair's on Dan's neck standing up because of how low his voice had gotten.

Dan was about to reply with a typical Dan comeback, but his words were lost as he felt a familiar heat on his right leg. He felt confused as the heat seemed to be creeping up his leg. The blue-eyed man shuffled around slightly, feeling breathless. When he realised how close his friend was to him, it must have been Kyle's doing. As soon as Kyle noticed that Dan had noticed, he linked hands with the older man, taking the piece of chocolate from him and slowly putting it into his mouth.

"Kyle Simmons, are you trying to seduce me?" Dan asked him with an eyebrow raised, surprised he had even managed to say anything at all.

"I won't give you the satisfaction," Kyle answered, taking his hand away from Dan's side and smirking at him.

Normality came by again, but neither one of them minded, for they were both intoxicated. Kyle always got playfull when he was drunk. Dan had plenty of stories he planned to tell when his friend got married.

The following morning, the blue-eyed man woke up feeling confused. Slowly, he sat up, feeling warmth withdrawing from his side. Upon looking down, he noticed there was someone asleep next to him, another man. He felt the hangover instantly, clutching his forehead as he caught sight of a bottle of water to his right, downing it instantly.

He knew that he couldn't keep up anymore, and that was when things started to get dangerous. Dan got up, trying to gain his balance. A part of him had wanted to stay, but he ignored that. That part of him was beyond stupid, and would probably get him arrested on a night out in the future.

As he made his way back to his hotel room, a feeling of emptiness washed over him. He had a best friend once, but he had lost him because of his own selfish actions, so Dan didn't want to risk losing Kyle. The singer would keep his distance a little and let time pass.

Dan's thought process was interrupted by the moisture rolling down his skin. His eyes widened as he was surprised to find that it was blood trickling from his nose. Dan attended to the problem with tissue, dabbing at his nose when necessary.

Of course, he knew that it could only be a certain period of time that things could continue to go on as they were.

**5 months ago**

Charlie sat in his empty flat in London, his back and shirt resting against the cold wall. All of the walls in his flat were painted a respectable white. He was surrounded by those four ways that day, and his head was raised in a way that he was looking to the ceiling. His limbs were shaking and his eyes were shut. His feet were bare and slowly, everything seemed to have been drifting away and falling apart in front of him.

Immediately, he tensed up when he heard the sound of the door opening. The person who came into the flat saw the fear in his eyes, and that was enough. They looked around and saw the state of the whole place, and their phone slipped from their fingers and landed with a thud on the wooden floor. Quickly, they ran over to Charlie, squatting down beside him.

"How long have you been here? Like this?" his friend asked him, even though they knew that the man had always hated questions.

Slowly, Charlie directed his gaze at the other person. He was confused, because he couldn't remember the answer to that question. When his friend didn't get a reply, he grew very concerned. What the person did do was take Charlie's hand upon sitting next to him. Charlie was comfortable enough to lay his head on their shoulder in response.

"You...need to tell someone. Lucy?"

A defensive Charlie protested against the idea, but it was just the way that he had done so that had made the other person feel on edge.

"What's going on?"

"I can't breathe anymore."

Dan's eyes flashed with concern as words continually poured out of Charlie's mouth, hitting the ear and his eardrums at one hundred miles per hour. The singer could barely believe what he was hearing. He was clearly distressed, rocking himself back and forth where he sat and his clear tears running down his cheeks.

Seeing that was enough.

Enough for Dan to change. Enough for other things to change.

 


	6. Enough

**Present Day**

Dan had called his mother the following week, as well as his father to let them know that he was alright. They'd already visited him and everything, fussing over him. The worst thing was that they kept on talking to Kyle. Things with Kyle were OK, but there were still some open wounds. His parents would never understand that, especially with Kyle, so he made an extra effort to make sure he seemed as if he was on good terms with him.

With the card that had been left for Dan in his mind, Charlie plucked up the courage to approach his friend about it. _It was better than Kyle doing it,_ he figured. Charlie smiled at the blue-eyed man, making up a suitable excuse as to why he had the card in his possession. Dan wasn't going to question that either way.

"I couldn't help but notice Ralph left you this. You should-"

"Thanks."

Slowly, the singer took the card from the other man's hands, looking away from him. Charlie wasn't a fool, and he noticed the look in Dan's eyes. That familiar silence came about, and Charlie couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't enough.

"You shut us down every time we mention him."

"I just...don't wanna talk about it, okay?"

Out of respect, he decided to leave it there and nodded. There had obviously been something that had happened between them, and he could only guess. Lately, Dan had been secretive, and he had an idea why, but he didn't want to say. After all, Dan had helped him and he had been there for him in the past, and it was wrong to intrude. Charlie hated it when Dan had first intervened into his personal life, phoning him regularly and checking up on him. Even if it was those little gestures, they helped him retain his sanity a bit.

Though Charlie didn't want to risk annoying an already irritated Dan, he had to try and put things back to how they were. He and the rest of the band had noticed that something was wrong the moment they caught Kyle and Dan arguing in the studio. They'd been so close, at least from what he could tell. Will and Woody had told him that they had had their tiny squabbles and such, but it had never resulted in throwing things and shouting. If Ralph was somehow involved, maybe he could be the one to fix things, Charlie thought.

"I would thank him for his kindness," Charlie advised the singer, because sometimes he could let his emotions get in the way of making rational choices.

After all, Ralph had been the one to reach out to him after all those years of doing his own thing. Whether Dan had made equal efforts to do the same was unclear, though that was an argument for another day. Charlie wasn't that involved in his life. He'd made his way across London to visit him in hospital and even leave flowers, which some people would not have done. If that didn't scream kindness, Charlie wasn't sure what did.

He patiently waited for Dan to react to what he had just said. The singer'so facial expression was fixed for a whole minute until he looked at Charlie seriously.

"Kindness?" Dan said, his voice coming out in a questioning tone in which the other man had not been expecting at all, or ever.

Slowly, Charlie sat down next to Dan, his face clearly showing a perplexed look. Clearly, what they were talking about or getting onto the topic of would take some time for him - or even both of them to understand. At that moment, it seemed like it would take Charlie Barnes a whole lifetime. _Funnily enough, he didn't have a whole lifetime to spare._ He observed Dan for a moment. What he was looking at seemed to be the face of someone who wasn't being truthful with himself.

"If that isn't the case, I suppose you and him need to have words,"  he suggested, and as soon as he made the suggestion Dan looked away from him abruptly.

There _had_ to be a reason for the way he was acting.

Within hours, the band get ready for an event later in the evening, due to start at seven. They'd been invited weeks ago. Usually, Dan wasn't a fan of outings, but they had been told by their manager that it was an important one, so they had to go. Being the rule breaker that he was, the singer wore a smart shirt with jeans and a pair of Converse. Will shook his head in disapproval as they proceeded towards their transport, whilst Woody gave him a respectable thumbs up because he wasn't a suit and tie man himself. _At least he made an effort with his hair,_ Will thought, and he had to. Ingratiate him for that. Kyle looked decent enough not to be in hot water with Will, at least.

They entered the venue, room after room with impressive chandeliers and lights shooting out of ceilings, as well as the very clean carpets and the fancy decorations Woody and Charlie would always try to talk each other into taking them home. They never did, mainly because there was security and Will watching them like a hawk.

Half an hour had passed, and formal events went as far as formal events went for Bastille. Will would mingle and talk about his amazing girlfriend the whole evening, even though he had denied many a time that he was soppy. Woody would make people laugh whilst self-promoting a bit _too much_ , whilst Charlie would awkwardly stand in a corner wondering if any of the food was worth trying. Usually after ten minutes of watching Charlie, Kyle would join him and ye would talk about nothing.

Things started to go south the moment Dan looked across the room and noticed something he would rather not have seen. It was a certain someone that he would have preferred to avoid. If he had known that person (as well as their friends tagging along) was going to be there, he wouldn't have made an appearance at the event, no matter how important their manager thought it was.

Immediately, upon seeing the person, he made a beeline for the nearest waiter holding drinks. He smiled at them and grabbed two, downing the glass in his left hand with ease, followed by the contents of the glass in his right hand. Obviously, alcohol wasn't the best solution to solving his problems and fears, and he knew that, but he convinced himself that it was only for he short term. he'd learned that making a habit out of things made them stick.

Three and a half hours passed, and the band had started to worry about a missing Dan Smith. The last person who had seen him was Woody, who had said that he had taken off as soon as To Kill a King had made an appearance. Charlie was suspicious, given the conversation he had tried to have with the singer earlier on in the day. As much as he had appreciated the man for helping him in the past and he wanted to keep the conversation private, he was concerned. Before he had the chance to tell them, he noticed something.

Ralph was in the distance of the venue, not too far away from where the band were stood. He approached an unsuspecting Dan. Somehow, the singer just knew that the man was behind him. Dan slowly turned around to face his fate. From Dan's perspective, there was clearly signs of annoyance in Ralph's eyes.

"I see you've been trying to avoid me all night."

"I haven't."

They rest of the conversation was unknown to the rest of the band as an announcement was made through the speakers. Charlie rolled his eyes at that happening at such an inconvenient time. What the band did do was turn to Kyle for some information. What the bearded man did do was sit down slowly on the nearest table, pouring himself a drink. Woody frowned.

"Where the fuck did you get a whole bottle of wine from?" he asked Kyle.

Kyle ignored his question and helped himself to a quarter of the bottle before pushing it towards the shaggy haired man, gesturing that he could have the rest. Will made a passing comment, hoping that nobody had stolen it.

"They have some history, some of which Dan never talked to me about," Kyle mentioned, but the bitter look on his face was unmissable by anyone watching him, as it seemed to have bothered him.

He realised that he had made himself irritated, so be excused himself for a moment to step outside of the venue. Upon going outside, he reached for something his his pocket before pulling it out, setting it alight and putting it to his lips. He inhaled, then exhaled, leaning his back against the cold brick wall as the night air hit him.

Just when he thought the night couldn't get any more awkward than what it was, he recognised a familiar woman heading towards the venue in the distance. The bearded man almost dropped his cigarette. His eyes widened as he looked at the woman. Of course, due to recent events, he hadn't seen her in months, but she still looked the same - heavy black eye makeup, pale skin and thick hair. Her green eyes had always made everyone warm to her, though Kyle felt nothing but coldness.

He took one look at her and pointed out, "You shouldn't be here, Lucy."

Not that he had meant to say it with such distaste, but he needed the woman to get the message before things got any worse. He'd had enough, quite frankly - more than he thought he could have dealt with lately. However, the woman looked back at him, her dark lipstick blending into the night.

"Is there a reason why I shouldn't be here?" Lucy asked him as if she had no idea what he was talking about, which was _exactly_ why Kyle couldn't deal with her at that moment, had it not been for his smoking habit, anything could have happened.

Clearly, the woman wanted to be smart with him. There was little the bearded man could do about that apart from inhale then exhale shortly after, regaining his sanity with every cloud of smoke. He saw it best not to answer that question, as the terms of that were complicated.

"I had to do what I had to do," the woman said firmly, standing her ground as she had always done, which Kyle had not expected anything less from her.

It was evident that there was a glint of amusement in her eyes as she said that. Kyle was good at figuring people out, because he was human too. That was all he needed to have in common with her. Really, that was enough in itself anyway.

"I didn't hold a gun to your head," Kyle reminded her in passing, because they were all responsible for making their own decision because they were adults.

Kyle could feel the silence as the woman looked at him, an anger flowing through her veins. She ignored him and proceeded to be on her way. there might have been a time where he would have tried harder to talk sense into the woman, but he did one thing.

He let his emotions get the better of him, and he let her go.

Suddenly, Lucy turned around, her silhouette visible in the night as she stared back at him with her luminous green eyes, her hair covering her eyes. those moments, she seemed breathless.

"I know, but I came here to see you, not him," the woman admitted, and he sensed the desperation in her eyes and he was about to listen to every word that would come out of her mouth.

Meanwhile, back in the venue, Charlie was suddenly getting bombarded by other female celebrities whilst Will and Woody sat their table. Surprisingly, Will had not touched any alcohol since they walked in. Woody wanted to point out that the occasional smoke practically made up for the lack of alcohol Will was consuming, but he didn't fancy getting punched in the face that night. They had another subject on their minds, anyway.

"They have their differences, I guess, but they've got something to fight for, too," Will mentioned.

"It depends whether they think it's worth fighting for," Woody considered that factor, as neither of them had thought about that before in much detail.

The bassist drummed his fingers against the table, slightly annoyed by the whole situation and the probably illegal wine bottle staring back at him.

"They need to fucking fight for it," Will sighed, his tone irritable.

It was out of their hands, of course. What more could they do?

Another two or so hours pass, and a man woke up in an unfamiliar room with an aching forehead. He groaned in pain and discomfort, looking around a room that was definitely not his own. The blue-eyed man felt confused for a moment as he felt as if he had been in a similar situation before. As he looked ahead, the whole world seemed to be spinning and turning into different shapes.

Strangely enough, as he turned to his right things began to clear since he saw a familiar face. In the man's hands were a glass of something he assumed to have been quite strong, because he could smell it from where he was sat. He tried to tap into his memory. Before he got the chance to, he was interrupted.

"I knew you'd wake up here."

Dan suddenly felt uncomfortable with what he was referencing. It was something they had never, ever talked about. He never thought they'd come close to mentioning it, either. Or was he being paranoid?

It wasn't enough.

He felt numb, dumbstruck. Slowly, the man put his drink to the side, running his hands through his hair momentarily before looking at Dan's worried blue eyes. He wanted to be mad at him, honestly. But there was one mistake he had to own up to.

"I had to stay."


	7. Faking it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things will develop more quickly, I have planned 5 chapters ahead and I do have a plan  
> thanks if you are in enjoying this. I put a lot of effort into it :')
> 
> and...I'm gonna be a bit cruel and deprive you guys of present day chapters for a while, sorry lmao

**18 weeks ago**

Woody returned from a store somewhere in London. He sighed heavily, closing the front door behind him as he handled the bag carefully, placing it on the table. For a moment, he observed the outline of the contents before biting the bullet and removing the bag from what was underneath it. _Why was he contemplating it so much? Nobody would overact to him deciding to buy it. It wasn't like it was five cats or something,_ he thought. Anyway, he figured he would take good care of it anyway, so he placed it to the side, near to the coffee table by the window.

The rest of the band had came back from wherever they had been earlier that day, and were surprised at what Woody had decided to buy. They didn't make fun of him or anything. They had other things to do. As usual, they greeted the drummer. Dan's flat was a mess, but it was like that all the same. He was a songwriter, after all. Without mess, the singer couldn't think. Bastille were busy working on their upcoming songs, and it seemed as if there was nothing that could have possibly stopped them.

Weeks passed, and Woody felt as if he'd hardly had any time to breathe. Time went by so fast that even he forgot who he was and what he was doing, sometimes. He'd just arrived back at Dan's flat, and as the rest of the band were busying themselves getting on with their lives, he sat down for a moment and noticed something he felt as if he should have noticed before. His eyes were fixed on the coffee table near to the window and the object placed upon it.

In seconds, he moved closer to it and spotted how it had changed the last time he had laid eyes on it. Somehow, he felt a little bad. Using his right hand, he picked up the object by the base, making sure not to hurt himself. What he was looking at was a small cactus, but it was so much more than that. It had once been a living thing, green and vibrant. When he looked at it in that moment, it seemed so droopy, pathetic and a lifeless shade of brown. He realised that his neglect had been the reason for it.

Not too long after his self-reflection, Will walked into the living room after having packed out of his suitcase. His facial expression formed a frown as he caught the drummer staring at the cactus he'd bought some time ago. He remembered that day.

"Once you leave things to grow, you create distance. Eventually, the distance will be so great, it'll die."

Will blinked, not saying anything. It was really weird, because Woody was the happiest person that he knew. _Well, or so he thought._ Will took some time to look back at the cactus, noticing that it had turned completely brown. Usually, he always knew the right thing to say, but he was completely speechless.

 

**7 and a half months ago**

In Dan's flat, at some point in the middle of the night, Will woke up with a start, breathing heavily, feeling his fingers clench the material he was lying on. His heart was racing like crazy. Will placed his hand on his chest, trying to get his senses back and calm himself down. However, another man had heard him, and he got up and made his way into the living room. He rubbed his eyes, as he thought he had just imagined what he had just seen.

"What's keeping you up at night?" Kyle asked the other man seriously as he turned on the lights in the living room, keeping his voice low so that nobody else would near.

Out of all the people to check up on him, it had to be the bearded man, and Will rolled his eyes at that. Even though he had a big heart and he cared for everyone around him, he knew he would give into him. He just knew it. In those moments, he tried to think of a way he could evade the question. But he couldn't.

Slowly, Will turned to face Kyle as he sat up on the sofa slightly. Then, he looked around him. Everything was quiet. Ideally, it should have been the perfect atmosphere for him to go to sleep.

"I...don't know," Will answered honestly, completely confused.

Kyle seemed satisfied that the event was just a one off, which it was. He sat on the sofa next to Will to make sure he was alright. Unfortunately, he'd made things a little awkward because they were both sitting in silence and not saying anything to one another. His thoughts were racing at one hundred miles an hour, but he wasn't sure what to say. The bearded man had always been anxious around people for as long as he could remember, but Will was older than him, more cooler looking. He figured his words would mean absolutely nothing.

Meanwhile, Will understood why Kyle was keeping him company, but a good ten minutes had passed and everything was fine. After all, he was starting to feel quite tired again, though he didn't want to send Kyle away because it seemed as if he wanted to stay. Will fiddled with the blanket near to him, waiting patiently until the other man decided to say something, anything that would generate some form of conversation.

"I have a problem," Kyle admitted.

Will had broken him.

 

**8 months ago** ****

Dan blinked, checking his surroundings as he woke up. He tried to get out of bed, but that became increasingly difficult with every try. He felt disorientated. The world was spinning around him, and he was losing his balance. As expected, he fell back onto his hotel bed, his head feeling like it had been hit with a thousand bricks the night before. 

He was experiencing more than a hangover.

Feeling lost and annoyed with himself, he flopped fully back onto the bed, his head peering over the edge as he looked up at the ceiling as he tried to piece together the events from the night before.

There were too many mornings that were the same, he thought. He knew it had to stop at some point, though at times he wasn't completely to blame.

He knew that he had to change, but he didn't know how - and sure as hell didn't know where to start or _when_.

The step towards change began with him rescaling for his phone that happened to be beside him. Without even looking, for he knew he was addicted to his bloody iPhone, entered his passcode and went straight to his contacts list. He had the person in mind on speed dial.

"I feel like everything is drifting," the blue-eyed man complained, and he had a right to even though he was partly to blame for his disorientation.

The person on the other end listened carefully. He'd received many a call from the singer about similar topics. He was used to it.

"Well, have you gotten yourself some sleep? Something to eat?" his friend questioned him, as he hissed Dan was probably suffering from a hangover from hell.

When the singer's answer was no, he received a lecture form the man on the other end. At that, Dan chuckled, his day already feeling a little better. It gave him the strength to at least roll out of bed and consider going to the hotel's canteen to digest their tasteless food.

 

**Just under a month ago** ****

The two men were in the middle of a massive bathroom in a hotel room in Paris. The tour was going well, fans were cheering and screaming for them like crazy over the weeks, and everything should have been fine.

Except that bathrooms were rather private places, and when two people found themselves in one together, they were either doing one of two things. The first one was obvious, and the second one was having words.

Despite all of the positives in the bearded man's life, he could barely enjoy the thriving tour and all the fame around him. The problem was standing right in front of him, and it was something he could never get rid of, too. Kyle was the one to break the silence after he had locked the door.

"I wish you could tell me how you feel," Kyle said, taking a deep breath, though they'd promised to be more honest with one another, he couldn't help but feel as if he shouldn't have brought his doubts to the singer's attention.

"I can't do that," Dan answered simply, and whether he had meant to or not, he came across very wooden in those few moments that the man beside him hoped to see even the tiniest amount of emotion in his eyes.

"And that's why things are this way, and have to be this way," Kyle pointed out, his voice quiet and cold.

Without another word, Kyle held back his emotions, unlocked the bathroom door and cursed himself for thinking that closed environment would have helped them to talk about their problems ( _which happened to be one another_ ). He'd always been too hopeful, he knew that, but Dan's lack of communication was enough to drive a man insane.

There was no way he could put an a brace face anymore.

 

**Unknown amount of time** ****

There were the faint sounds of two voices coming from the tour bus. The voices were heavily jet lagged, as well as physically exhausted from all the jumping about on stage earlier that night.

What the singer did not need was more aggro. It wasn't building up into an argument, but the possibility was there considering he just felt _so tired_ and he'd been trying to get some damn sleep for hours.

"I would have hoped you could speak with me."

"No, not after..."

Their voices grew fainter as they heard someone shuffle around in their sleep. It was the drummer below them. They waited a full minute before speaking again.

"After...?"

Dan's face turned a bright red when he realised what he had been referencing. Kyle obviously didn't know what he was talking about, and Dan hoped he would never find out. _Perhaps it had been a bit too late for that._

"I'm okay with it, I mean I'm not disappointed or anything-"

Kyle was interrupted by the swatting of Dan's hand, and he saw that annoyed look in his eyes. It was better to not let things work up into an argument. A worried Kyle rested his head against his pillow, hesitantly observing a fed up Dan smith in the bed less than a metre away from his. His hands were on his chest, and he looked as if he had had enough.

All Kyle had ever tried to be was a friend to him, and he couldn't figure out why the singer continued to push him away.

Another minute had passed, and the bearded man couldn't take all the uncertainty anymore, so he climbed out of his bed, landing perfectly on the floor. He was completely silent. Dan seemed unmoving in his bed. Kyle gulped momentarily before using one, swift movement to hop into Dan's bed. Dan's eyes widened as he was surprised at what his friend had just done.

_Was he being serious?_

There was no pushing the idiot out, either, mainly because the singer hardly had the strength to and it would make a _lot_ of noise. The bed was tiny, clearly not big enough for the both of them.

"I can't force you to speak to me, but I can at least try to close the gap between us."

Dan scowled at the intrusion, feeling very irritated that the bearded man would not give up on his conquest. At first, the blue-eyed man was quite bitter and refused to say anything. But when he felt the warmth coming from Kyle, he felt conflicted in keeping up his silent treatment act. Chills were sent down the singer's spine as he felt Kyle's breath on his neck.

It was beyond weird.

"Can you not?"

Regardless, Kyle pulled the bed covers over them and shuffle closer to Dan. Another minute passed and the singer could hardly take it anymore.

"OK, OK. You've made your point."

"Can you face me?"

Dan blinked, his view at the wall. Slowly, with the little room they both had, he rotated so that he was facing the bearded man. _Only Kyle could put him into that situation as if it was a normal thing friends  did._ He had expected Kyle to have said something, but he didn't. He smiled, and that was all he did.

Dan had to smile too.

 

**4 months ago**

Kyle locked the bathroom door in Dan's apartment, his hand shaking. He remembered the last time they'd talked in that room. The rest of the band were due to arrive back in ten minutes, and he was wary of the time. Dan was sat down, his back pressed against the cold tiles. Kyle stood. Dan's hair was plastered to his forehead, his face a pale white and his eyes wide. Kyle was convinced he was staring at the face of a ghost.

There weren't many more ways to describe it.

Dan placed his head in his hands before running his hands down his face. The air was very thin. Dan's heartbeat was faint. Kyle was convinced that it was so quiet that even he could hear it.

"I can't do it, Kyle."

The keyboard player looked at his friend. In that moment, he was sure that friend was the wrong word, but his main priority wasn't in correcting himself.

"Can't do what?"

He watched, feeling helpless as the tears rolled down Dan's cheeks. There was nothing he could do. He couldn't touch him, he couldn't comfort him.

"I can't fake it anymore."

Kyle wasn't going to stay and watch him cry, so he gulped, turned around and unlocked the bathroom door like he had done once before. He kept on walking. He kept himself busy elsewhere, somewhere far away from Dan Smith.


	8. Set me Free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will answer one question: the chapters are a little shorter and more controlled as I pre-planned them, i'll keep the notes to a minimum because i'm working up to something. 
> 
> thanks loves

**5 months ago**

After practising for the upcoming gig at the studio, Charlie was in a bad mood. His bandmates and every single person, even when he went to buy lunch, said that he didn't look well. As far as he was concerned, it wasn't anyone's business whether he was feeling alright or not. Sure, he did tell his friends some things, but he didn't have to tell them everything. He was a grown man, he thought - and he could sure as hell sort out his own problems.

He returned home a couple of hours later with a terrible headache. Lately, he would avoid going into his bedroom as it didn't give him any comfort. In fact, if he could, he would avoid his own home altogether. Charlie had hated the fact that he'd broken down and told Dan some really, really personal things. There was never a moment that the singer wasn't calling him to check if he was alright, too.

Charlie had been at home for about an hour. He walked over to the fridge, opening it and frowning at the leftovers. They looked nice, but he couldn't bear to think about food. It made him a little sick in his mouth, too. 

Eventually, he found some peace in sleeping on his sofa in his thin hoodie, barely covered by one of Dan's cardigans he'd left one afternoon. It was a miracle that he'd even managed to get any sleep at all. 

That sleep was ruined two hours later at the sound of the front door being forced open and slammed. It woke Charlie up instantly, and he knew there would be hell to pay for storming off away from the rest of the band earlier. He wished he had stayed when he saw the two figures enter the darkness, fumbling around, not even bothering to be quiet. Even from where he was sitting, he recognised the passionate moans, the shuffling of hands and the rushed footsteps of high heels.

He knew.

She would turn on the lights, and the other person would question Charlie's appearance. She would say it didn't matter and lie, the other person would look at Charlie briefly and the lights would go off again, for they would go to his room. It was obvious that both of them were drunk, and it had always been her excuse.

Not that they had talked very much anyway. He could barely stand the moaning and all the noise, so he would usually make himself scarce when the routine was happening. It wasn't that he was okay with it, he was just used to it. What he did do was make a phone call to someone, looking over his shoulder to make sure the other two people in his home couldn't hear.

In the next twenty minutes, he found himself sitting on the sofa in Dan's flat. It wasn't too far from his. All he wanted to do was get some sleep, and he was infuriated by Kyle. Kyle had been there to pick up the phone, and somehow, he knew of Charlie's situation and he was enraged by it. Charlie frowned at that, because he knew that there was some kind of tension between the two of them, so Dan couldn't have told Kyle as that would have required some kind of communication. If it wasn't tension, then he wasn't sure what it was because they had been distant of each other lately.

Kyle was ranting about how he should do more to get out of the position that he was in. Of course, Charlie knew that. He let his words fly right past him. Once again, all he wanted to do was sleep. When the bearded man saw that his friend wasn't listening, he decided it was time to end things once and for all.

Charlie watched as Kyle left the room, opening the front door and starting up Dan's car parked outside. His eyes widened, and he quickly got to his feet. _What was he doing?_ Charlie felt as if he had no choice but to follow him and get in the passenger seat beside him. He watched Kyle drive like a madman, and he could do nothing but break out into a sweat and hold onto his seat for dear life.

As soon as they pulled up to Charlie's flat, Kyle wasted no time in getting out. Charlie did warn Kyle before he _almost_ broke the door down to get inside, even though the front door was unlocked, but he didn't really care. He told Charlie to sit down, which he felt obliged to do so. Worry ran through him at a thousand miles per hour as he waited. Like a scared child, he closed his eyes when he heard the shouting.

In seconds, there she was, her face a bright red as she was barely clothed. She looked at Charlie for a brief moment. Too long. The other person had already left by that point, frightened by an angry Kyle. She protested to the bearded man, but he had no sympathy. Then she begged Charlie over and over again, and it was a sight to see, but again, Kyle answered for him and he had no sympathy. Kyle saw red, shouting at her again and pointing in one direction. 

She finally left.

Charlie felt as if he could breathe again. Kyle offered him a hand, and Charlie didn't hesitate to take it. For some time, he had always felt as if Kyle had acted differently towards him, but he realised he had to be wrong to think that. He was someone who had a big heart. They went back to Dan's flat, and Charlie slept with ease.

**2 years ago**

Just as the band were about to go on stage, Dan noticed someone he hadn't seen before. Their sound crews and the like did change sometimes, but he was sure that his eyes would have caught onto the woman standing a few metres away from him, checking if their equipment was okay before they went on stage. The woman couldn't have been any older than her early twenties, and her deep brown hair fell over her shoulders. Her lipstick was a mulberry colour, suiting her light eye makeup.

For some reason, he felt a certain way when he looked at her. Before he could figure it out himself, he was nudged by Woody. Dan scowled at the drummer. They were in the middle of a festival in the summer, so it was obvious that the heat was going to his head.

After they finished performing a couple of their songs, Dan quickened his pace in hope to find the same woman he'd seen earlier backstage. Luckily, he did. When she made eye contact with him, the singer couldn't help but freeze. The woman, who was embarrassed, quickly finished up with the equipment she was putting away. That wasn't the blue-eyed man's intention.

"Hey, sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

The woman turned around, her face red and her hands tight on the piece of equipment that she was holding. She looked over her shoulders in case anyone was watching them.

"Um...no, it's...okay."

What she did was smile at him, and he suspected it was one of the purest smiles he had ever seen. He was so shocked at the sincerity of it that he forgot to smile back, earning him an innocent wide-eyed stared from the woman opposite him.

"Wait, could I catch your name?" Dan asked her, for he knew he would regret not asking her at  a later stage.

"Laura," she answered, her eyes not meeting his directly.

He heard someone call her name. She apologised, and in the blink of an eye, she was gone. Dan wondered in those moments why he didn't notice her before. She wasn't only beautiful, but she was glowing with positive vibes.

Some time later that same week, Dan, unconsciously, was on the lookout for the same girl. He'd finished  a performance again and hung around. She happened to be around at the same time he was, going through some papers and ticking off some sort of checklist. The singer battled with himself in his mind if it would be okay to go up to her. After all, they were, at least, acquaintances so there would be no problems with that, he figured. 

However, as soon as he went up to her, he felt moisture on his face. He frowned, realising that his nose was bleeding. _Must have been the heat,_ he assumed. Laura panicked immediately and ran around frantically trying to find some tissue. When she found some, she threw as much as she could at the singer. That was the closest she'd ever gotten to him. She wiped away the blood as carefully as she could, then she pulled back from Dan, blinking at him.

"You don't seem too surprised," she pointed out.

Dan observed the woman for a moment. He shrugged off her comment and quickly mentioned that it happened from time to time, and there was nothing to worry about. At that moment, as drawn to her as he was, he felt the urge to get away from her.

However, Laura hung around backstage, even if it did look like she had finished doing whatever she had been doing. The rest of the band came over to Dan, emerging from wherever they had come from to check if he was okay. The singer would tell them yes, avoid Kyle's gaze and he would make his way over to the nearest vending machine.

But he wasn't hungry.

The rest of the band dispersed, and Dan was left alone again. It wasn't that he was avoiding Kyle. It was complicated.

As soon as he turned around, Laura was there, her lipstick bold and her eyes forever curious as well as concerned. Dan realised that it would be difficult to get her off of his back, and he really didn't have the energy for that.

"I've seen people, like you. I hate to judge you, but it doesn't work out for them in the end. You should stop while you still can," the woman advised, her brown eyes flashing with hurt and sadness.

The singer's posture stiffened, and he wondered how she had figured it out from just one encounter with him. As far as he knew, not even his bandmates had found out about it. His heart beat wildly at the conservation that he was _not_ willing to have with a stranger.

"Do you think I can change?" he asked the woman seriously, even though she didn't know him very well.

What she did was smile, and it was that same, bright and innocent smile that he had received from her before. The kind of smile that would warm anyone who saw it. Somehow, it made Dan hopeful for the future, and he loved it.

"I think you can," Laura answered the question.

Gently, she took his hand and led him out of the backstage area, near to where all the roaring fans were that the band had just preformed for. They had a small view of them, a mix of people from different backgrounds cheering for them and other artists.

"This, _this_ is what you have to change for."

Slowly, the singer looked back at the fans, and he realised what she had meant. He nodded, feeling a newfound confidence surging through his veins.

In the following weeks, the rest of the band noticed that Dan seemed a lot happier than he had been before. Kyle was one of the singer's closest friends, and he wanted to know why. He discovered why one week that the band were abroad. He saw her sitting by him, making him laugh.

When he saw them, Kyle felt something in his chest that he had never felt before.

That wasn't the last time he saw them. Dan would invite Laura to events that the band went on. Although Kyle hadn't talked to the rest of the band about it, he was surprised that they weren't questioning his newfound friendship with the girl apart of the sound crew. Somehow, she was even at Kyle's birthday celebration later that year, and he wasn't even sure how she had gotten an invite.

Him and the singer had always been talking. It was Dan that had been acting a little distant over the past few months, and the bearded man had not been given a reason as to why that was. Kyle felt hurt, and the worst thing was that Dan didn't even know that he was hurting him. What didn't help was that he'd talked to the girl, and she was a beam of sunshine - probably more of a better friend than he could ever have been to the singer.

He _wasn't_ jealous.


	9. Astray

**Just under a month ago**

Three men were sat in a café near to a studio. They were quite content, one with a coffee by his side, another eating, whilst the other planned on saving his cheese and onion bake until they returned back.

"They aren't fooling anyone," Will finally broke the silence, and he had been thinking about how he would talk about the subject for a long time.

Woody exchanged a nervous glance with Charlie. It was obvious that Charlie looked a little uncomfortable, because he kept on fiddling with the wrapper from his previously eaten cookie. Why that was, Woody and Will did not know. 

"I know," Woody agreed, knowing exactly what he was referring to.

The reason _why_ that they hadn't had that conversation sooner was because they had always felt as if it had been none of their business. They were respectful of one another's privacy, especially the nature of-

"Do you think anything's happened between them?" Charlie wondered, finally deciding to contribute something towards the conversation.

"I don't think so. I wish they'd just get together, but it would be wrong of us to intervene. I mean, for all we know, we could make things worse than what they are," Will answered, discussing his concerns.

The drummer sighed deeply, tapping his hands on the table before sipping his coffee. Not that he could explain it well, but he felt as if there was some tension between Dan and Kyle. For the past few weeks, they seemed to be not talking very much to each other. The other day, he caught Dan snap at Kyle. It looked really bad - but it wasn't his place to intervene. Dan and Kyle were _really_ close, so of course they were going to fight from time to time.

But he wondered if the fight had gone too far.

For some reason, Woody couldn't picture the last time Kyle and Dan were laughing at one another's jokes, going out for drinks or just spending time together. Whenever the rest of the band or friends wanted to hang out, either one of them would make an excuse not to go. It was as if they had made a deal with each other or something.

Whenever he thought of Dan and Kyle, he thought of them as separate individuals. Honestly, there was a time when a moment like that would have never crossed his mind. Something had caused them to drift apart, and Woody couldn't help feeling somewhat responsible for not noticing the divide between them sooner. 

Meanwhile, in the studio room, Dan looked at Kyle was a rage in his eyes. He was standing opposite a man who didn't even know what he wanted. The singer knew that he hadn't done anything more wrong than Kyle had, and he certainly did not deserve to be shouted at for anything. He stood purposely in the way of the door, eyeing him.

"I can't do this anymore!" the blue-eyed man shouted at the top of his voice, because that was the truth.

He had reached breaking point and there was no going back. They'd both done each other some damage, but that damage had to stop because Dan couldn't take it. He couldn't live every day the way that he was.

"And you think it's easy for me?" Kyle accused Dan, and that had not been what he had meant at all.

"It must be! You don't give a damn about me, you never have!" Dan argued back, making the situation worse as he rose his voice.

The bearded man grew infuriated with Dan's answer. In his rage, he pushed over a keyboard and the singer's eyes widened at the bad notes that echoed throughout the studio room. Dan saw the look in his eyes, and it was unlike anything he'd ever seen before. Of course, he'd always known Kyle to be a calm man, but the fact that he had resorted to throwing things about spoke loudly to him.

"If you do that, it will affect me in ways you cannot imagine," Kyle warned, for he knew what Dan was talking about and he wanted to do _everything_ possible to avoid it.

"So what if I did?" Dan challenged him, and it was only until his words echoed throughout the room that he had just realised what he had said.

The look on Kyle's face said it all, as he was a mix of shocked and angry all at the same time, and he was clearly about to say something. The singer had a feeling he would dislike the words that were about to come out of his mouth.

"Fuck it. Fuck you, I'm done."

"So did nothing mean anything to you, Kyle?"

The blue-eyed man was hurt by Kyle's lack of a reaction. Dan's heart raced as the man advanced toward him. He hardly had enough time to get out of the way. Forcefully, Kyle pushed past him, not caring what damage he inflicted. The singer lost his balance, and was surprised to find his back touching a nearby instrument as opposed to the floor. Instead of opening the door, the bearded man kicked it open in his fury.

The pair had only realised that they had an audience (of the rest of the band) when Will was stood by the door. He had narrowly dodged Kyle kicking the door open. Will gasped, thankful that he had managed to get out of the way in time. Kyle stormed past him and the rest of the group, getting out of the studio as fast as he could. Dan left in the opposite direction. The rest of the band stood where they were with their mouths open.

After Will, Woody and Charlie had tried to ask Dan about what had just happened and he'd given them monosyllabic replies, they almost gave up. Dan went back into the studio room to cool off whilst Kyle was nowhere to be seen.

**Present Day**

Dan was sat against the front door to his house, looking off into the distance. His nose felt like it was burning, though he felt the surge of newfound energy flow through his veins, and he finally felt alive again. Once again, it wasn't something that he did often. That day, he felt as if he really needed it.

He couldn't remember where his friends were. Dan figure that the saddest thing was that they had _always_ been there whenever he had needed them, though sometimes that wasn't enough for him because he was selfish. Sometimes, he would withdraw from real life, close himself off from others. It was what he did to survive, or he felt as if he would drive himself insane.

As he looked up to the sky, he lit a cigarette, a pack of which did not belong to him, and he knew it. Regardless, he held another one in his hand on standby just in case. Plus, he was a grown man and he could do whatever he wanted.

In those moments, he closed his eyes and exhaled, savouring the smoke entering his lungs. With every breath, he thought about the past, all the mistakes he made. To his surprise, when he opened his eyes, one of them was looking right at him.

He spotted a man in the distance, his long black coat covering him and his eyes stern. That was the way he had always been, so Dan didn't expect anything less. Though he knew him so well, he felt a million miles away from him.

"Why are we here again?" Ralph asked the singer as he slipped his hands into his pockets.

The blue-eyed man blinked, exhaling again. He was about to take another breath, though he couldn't do what he was doing with _him_ standing there like that. Hesitantly, Dan put out his cigarette, put his hands together and looked at the man standing before him.

"Ralph," Dan warned him, for the last thing he wanted was another lecture about his behaviour.

"We're here again because _you_ don't know what you want, and you are self-destructing," Ralph answered the question again, and Dan scoffed at what he had said.

After all, Dan didn't hit a wall by his own actions. Not that he completely blamed the other person involved, but he wouldn't be where he was if it hadn't have been for them. They ruined everything. They knocked him off his emotional pedestal, off of his passion for music, as well as completely altering his focus.

He felt as if he had lost focus of everything. That everything he heard was just bad news.

"You need to get a grip," Ralph advises, though it was easy for him to say because he was _not_ in the singer's position.

Dan got ready to light the cigarette in his other hand, but stopped. The way Ralph was looking at him made him stop.

" _Why_?" the singer asked.

All the other man did was sigh and place his head in his hands, running them over his face. For a while, he'd tried to make him understand, though he feared Dan had already hit breaking point and it was too late for him.

**Just over a month ago**

Just as Ralph was about to leave the hospital, he heard two nurses outside Dan's room talking. He didn't want to seem nosy, but he felt compelled to listen.

"...Yeah. It's sad really."

"They found drugs in his system as well...though the doctor will speak to him soon."

Ralph put a hand over his mouth. He had flashbacks to the last time, and he tried to shake it out of his mind.

He saw it best to be on his way, and his legs took him outside of the hospital, reflecting on the past and his actions, or rather _lack of actions._

A couple of weeks later, on the night of that formal event he'd gone to with his band mates, he wasn't surprised to find the singer there. He made his way over to him and confronted why he had been avoiding him the whole night. Of course, every time Ralph looked at Dan, the blue-eyed man would turn away and walk in the opposite direction.

Though maybe they'd both been running away for too long.

Ralph had led him away from the crowd, taking his arm, as he knew that Dan couldn't protest in public. Dan gritted his teeth, though there wasn't much that he could do because he was beyond drunk. Dan's memory was terrible, though Ralph remembered dragging him back to his hotel room. He did try to get him to sober up, but Dan refused outright.

Ralph shrugged his shoulders and treating himself to a glass of wine he'd gotten from room service. He wasn't a big drinker, not really. He'd seen what it did to people and how it ruined their lives. That was something he _did not_ want to experience.

"Are you not going to sit beside me?"

A confused Dan blinked at his friend who was sitting on a chair beside the bed he was sitting on. That was what he assumed the average person would have done, anyway. Though he was hesitant, he rose from his chair and made is way to the singer's side, where he sat as far as he could away from him on his hotel bed. The blue-eyed man frowned in disagreement.

"Pleased?"

Dissatisfied, Dan shook his head and Ralph frowned. Without saying anything, Dan reached across to get hold of his friend's bottle of wine, taking Ralph's glass and topping it up. Ralph raised any eyebrow and sipped the newly poured contents, eyeing Dan closely.

"I just thought you'd prefer to be more drunk for this."

"I know what I want, Dan."

"And what's that?"

"For you to sober up."

The singer rolled his eyes as Ralph put his glass of wine to the side and threw a sachet of coffee at him as he flicked the kettle. The hissing of it bothered Dan as he felt unsettled by Ralph getting up and leaving his side. It wasn't long ago that he was in his arms, Dan thought.

Sometime after that, he had found himself falling asleep. He'd dreamed about some things, mostly things that had been eating at him for a while, as well as another person. Dreams usually put Dan in a weird place emotionally, which was why he wished that he couldn't fall asleep sometimes. Mind you, he thought, there was one way he could improve his sleep.

To the other man in the room, Dan was just a reminder of the past. Dan had always been in his way, and he had always been the one to lead him astray. That night, Ralph drank more to deal with that. He had been planning to talk about it with him, but he couldn't even find the words himself.

Of course, what use could he have been?


	10. Pulling me Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the irregular activity over the past few days, I went on a school trip to paris  
> enjoy  
> not sure what number of chapters to end this at, there will probably be 10 more at the least.  
> thanks loves

**Present Day**

Three days later after his bothersome encounter with Ralph, Dan found himself at peace in his hotel room. The rest of the band rarely visited him, for they knew that something had been off with him for the last few days, especially since the event they went to. In truth, it wasn't even Ralph that had triggered his anger. It had been something else entirely.

Something he had yet to admit.

He had spent the last three days no different than he had spent his days before. He would wake up, be confused, his confusion would pass after a couple of hours, and he would be back on his feet as normal again. For some time, he'd had demons running around in his head. Dan had been convinced that he'd managed to free himself from them, but he figured it would only be a matter of time until they came back.

Of course, they knew how to swim.

Dan had slept in until two that afternoon, and he felt very irritated at people blowing up his phone all day. He grabbed a pillow and pressed his face into it, sighing deeply as he reached over to get hold of his phone. It was the same people checking up on him. The singer sighed and reluctantly answered his mother's messages, going into his notes, copying and pasting the usual _I'm-getting-on-so-well-with-life_ reply message. He'd gotten it off of the internet a while back, and he'd been doing that routine for as long as he could remember.

Lately, he wasn't sure what was normal anymore.

For once, he did reply to a knock on his door. With a groan, he rose from his bed, briefly running his hands through his thick, almost black hair as he answered the door. It was Will, looking all _cool_ with his hands in his pockets and his all black outfit. As usual, he was giving the singer that dad look, and Dan didn't like it.

"There's seafood downstairs."

Unimpressed, the singer raised an eyebrow and looked outside of his hotel room for a moment in case the other band members were present. He wouldn't put it past them to ambush him, forcing him out of his room and throwing him downstairs against his will. They'd had to do something similar once when he and-

He couldn't bear to think about that, so he erased the memory from his mind. The blue-eyed man doubted that seafood could help him forget.

"I think I'll pass."

At that, Will took a deep breath. As Dan was about to close his door, Will wedged his foot in between it. The singer's eyes widened, and he looked at Will.

"You need to eat. If I don't see your ass at lunch in the next half hour, I will slap you so hard you won't even remember being in a band."

Loudly, the singer scowled, for he hated the bassist's violent threats. Reluctantly, he nodded as he knew he had to oblige. Knowing Will, he would probably honour that threat and beat him down. Seeing as Dan didn't want to risk it, he got himself showered and dressed in under ten minutes.

Somehow, he made it downstairs. Even though he wasn't particularly hungry, his eyes did latch onto the seafood. Within seconds, he picked something to eat and sat down with his band mates. Just his luck - the only available seat was next to the bearded man, so he had to endure that and sit next to him. All in all, Dan took two bites of his food.

Dan had never been more happy to return to his hotel room an hour later. He hugged his bed and his pillows, feeling grateful for them. After having spent an hour with stern Will sitting opposite him and a disapproving Woody, he sure as hell needed a break. Not to mention _him_ , too.

At some point in the day, the singer had made sure none of his friends were around so that he could go into the hotel's gardens. Really, he wanted to smoke there and he knew he would get a lecture from them because they'd never seen him smoke. It wasn't really the _smoking_ , in fact, it was _what_ he was smoking. Luckily, there was no-one there.

Just as he was about to light a cigarette, he was proved wrong as a woman strolled into the gardens, her dress the colour of grass, and her eyes a deep, chestnut brown. Her long, brown hair sat past her shoulders. At the sight of her, Dan dropped his cigarette in shock. She had been the last person he had expected to give him a surprise visit.

"L-Laura? W-What are you doing here? H-How are you?" he questioned her, sounding startled as he hadn't been anticipating her making an appearance.

The woman glanced at the cigarette that had just fallen to the ground, though she figured that she would mention that later. She smiled at him, and it was a warm smile that had always melted his heart before. However, when she looked at him, she saw an emptiness in his blue eyes that she had recognised once before.

"That doesn't matter, I'm happy to see you...but something isn't right, is it?" Laura asked him seriously, taking a seat at a nearby bench.

Dan froze for a moment. He couldn't put it into words. In fact, he never had. He'd never spoken about it directly. Laura was correct that something wasn't right, that something was off balance as it had been for a while and the singer knew it. Bastille knew it. Ralph sure as hell knew it too, and as much as he wanted his old friend to come to terms with it, he didn't have the heart to push him that far.

"I want something I can have."

Feeling confused, Laura tilted her head to the side, not fully understanding the problem that her friend was having.

"What's so wrong with that?"

"Because I've been faking it for so long that I don't deserve it."

Concerned, the woman walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. Dan didn't really acknowledge the human contact, he just blinked at her. There had been a time where he would have smiled and cracked a joke, but that time was well into the past.

"You've worked so hard, you deserve so much."

"Laura, Laura. I made my bed a long time ago."

She tried to interrupted the flow of the singer's negativity, and she looked hurt as she stopped and realised that it was pointless. Even she had been unable to brighten his day and lift his spirits, as he was too set in his old ways to change. She would take pity on him, re-give him her contact details and she told him she would be there should he ever need to call.

A couple of weeks passed, and it came to the day before Dan's birthday. He was sat in his bathroom, cleaning up the blood falling onto his hands. It was routine, and to put it quite bluntly, he was used to it as well as the shaking, too. He felt like scars didn't heal like before, his eyes weren't as bright.

He was running out of time, and he so desperately needed someone to help him chase those seconds.

The next day, Dan had been expecting it to be any other normal day, until he found himself shocked at the amount of people that had thrown a surprise party for him. There were drinks, food, _seafood_ as well as Mark, their producer. Mark hated stuff like that, so Dan wondered what he had been bribed with to drop by. Regardless of his foul mood, he saw it fit to thank his friends. Hell, he even thanked Kyle.

Obviously, Dan felt satisfied that evening as he didn't need to pay for any of the drinks. He kept up the act, as usual, talking to people, smiling at them. To push the boat out, he'd even talk about how hopeful he was for the future of the band. When he felt necessary, he would pop out of the party at irregular intervals to have what he called a _break_ , then reappear with a bigger smile on his face than before.

Throughout the evening, Dan felt a headache coming on and dizziness. He chose to ignore it. When he did, his body was not appreciative, and he could feel himself getting slower, and every footstep feeling like the weight of a whole house.

"Are you alright?" Kyle asked Dan, wasting no time in debating whether or not he should say anything to him.

Dan felt as if the general noise of the people around him were fading into the distance, developing into a white noise. He blinked, trying to get a grip onto reality. The tactics he had used before didn't seem to have been working.

"Dan, mate?" Charlie called his name, concerned.

Before he knew it, Dan felt the world closing in on him and everything suddenly appeared very small. His vision blurred. He tried his best to pay attention to his surroundings and the people speaking to him, but eventually his body gave up. The blue-eyed man fell, and would have fallen to the floor if Kyle hadn't have stepped in. The other people in the room gasped and crowded around the singer in shock, though his band mates told everyone to give him some room.

Kyle looked at the pale face of the person who had been a good friend to him throughout the years, led him on a mad path to fame, finding himself and much more. Kyle looked at them, their face resembling death and sickness, though he could only picture the person he knew, and had always known.

A couple of hours later, Kyle found himself at that man's bedside, finding no shame in holding his hands tightly, linking them with his. The singer hadn't woken up yet, though the bearded man's heart stung more than it had when Dan had been involved in an accident before. He tried to calm his nerves, but they were simply transformed to tapping his feet against the ground. When Kyle closed his eyes, he felt as if he had been where he was before. _But there was no being an optimist about this_ , Kyle thought. What Dan had done to land himself in hospital would cause them to come to blows, and he knew that.

Nervously, Charlie rubbed his sweaty palms together. He'd separated himself from the rest of the group by making the excuse of going on a coffee run. Really, they could live without it. Dan had got them on the _hipster coffee trend_ and none of them had gone back to tea ever since. That was the closest addiction Charlie had developed, anyway. When he felt as if he finally had some space to breathe, he took a deep breath. Dan's collapse had affected him more than he had originally thought it would, and he hadn't come up with a solution to combat that.

Things were only made worse when he made eye contact with a woman walking down the corridor, her thick brown hair penetrating the air. She came to a halt and looked at him with a fake sincerity in her eyes.

It wasn't anything new.

"Save your pity."

"Not here to see you."

He watched as she continued to make her way down the corridor, flicking her hair and not daring to look in his direction again. That was the way he had wanted the encounter to go, anyway. Though he had to wonder that if she hadn't appeared to see him, who else?

Somewhere else in the hospital, Kyle came to his senses when he felt that familiar warmth suddenly surging back into Dan's hands. Quickly, he moved his hands from Dan's, pulled back his chair and started to get up. The rest of the band exchanged confused looks with one another. In the doorway was Ralph. Kyle tried to get past him, but he wouldn't budge.

"I think you should stay here for his sake," Ralph strongly urged, and the bearded man couldn't come up with a good enough argument on the spot,

"I'm the reason for this," Kyle whispered quietly so that Woody and Will could barely hear.

Ralph made an unsympathetic gesture. Kyle sighed, facing his demons and sitting by Dan's bed. The singer woke up, looking around him. He'd woken up earlier, though his friends had been outside of the room at the time. Then, he had fallen back asleep - mainly because he needed it.

But when Dan looked at him, he froze. He froze with years of emotion, years of regret, torment and torture from what they'd gone through, from what he had put himself through. From Dan suffering alone.

As quick as he could, Kyle took off, grabbing his things and pushing past Ralph in a hurry. He felt the tears roll down his face as the hot air greeted him outside of the hospital.

Meanwhile, Dan was not pleased.

"What's _he_ doing here?" he asked, in a spiteful way as well as pointing directly at Ralph.

"I'm here because I godamn care about you, calm down," Ralph snapped at him, and the singer relaxed in his bed slightly, sitting up to blink at him.

The three men watched in surprise as the singer effortlessly swung his legs over to the other side of the bed, his feet touching the floor. Woody rushed towards him and gestured to him not to move an inch more from his hospital bed.

"I need to talk to Kyle," Dan protested.

Will sighed. Woody gave him a look because he didn't want Will to say anything because it wasn't quite his place. It was dangerous ground.

"If you care about him, you'll let him go," Will advised.

A hurt Dan nodded slowly, for the past may have been too damaging for either of them to be able to move on with their lives. He hadn't considered that until then, and that in itself made him the worst person imaginable.

So he let him go.


	11. Habits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. I know it's been a while, and I feel bad, but I really am busy if anyone's wondering. My exams are in may and unfortunately I do have to prioritise that over my writing (if anyone is reading any of my other works too, it may look like a favour some more than others. unfortunately I do, lmao BUT i'm trying to change) this one was a weird one for me to write because I haven't explored that subject before and this chapter is mostly speech based which I tried to avoid but it seems ok I guess, it needed it
> 
> I'm gonna have to re-read this a little to get back in touch, but other than that, here it is. (and yes, you are 100% intentionally meant to be confused still, though I said that from the get go) thanks a bunch.

Somewhere in the hospital, a woman with long brown hair was making her way into the parking lot. She felt the cold breeze hit her face. She'd looked in all the relevant wards, and she still hadn't found he man that she had been looking for. Just as she was about to drive home and give up, she turned to her left to find what she had been looking for. There the bearded man was, his back to the cold, dirty wall with a cigarette in one hand. As she tried to calm herself down, she clenched her fists.

But Kyle had had enough, for the woman had bothered him countless times. The last time, he thought he had dealt with her properly, but her reappearance had clearly proved him wrong. He could clearly remember the conversation they had had last time. It was a difficult one.

"What do you want, Lucy?" he asked her seriously, and his tone was different to all the other times he had asked.

There were a few moments that the woman observed the ground. She knew what she wanted to say, and she believed that she had wasted a journey, but she needed to fight her case. She knew that she would regret it if she said nothing at all. In the cold wind, her hair fell vigorously behind her, and her expression seemed more sincere than it had been before.

"I want my life back," Lucy declared, sighing deeply and looking at the man smoking in front of her.

When the bearded man knew that he had heard that before, he put out his cigarette before quickly lighting another. Lucy found that somewhat offensive, and made a facial expression to match her reaction. Regardless, she desperately needed him to see her side of things, and how things had not been going her way lately.

"My life is a mess because of you. I-I can't support my kid, Kyle. I don't have anything. I-I-I don't have anyone," Lucy stammered, her eyes starting to tear up as she tried to make him see her point of view, and the way that she was living.

Overall, Kyle had little sympathy for her. He wasn't the type to get angry, though a few months ago, he had snapped completely by kicking her out of Charlie's apartment, but as far as he was concerned she deserved it. But the problem was that people were walking by staring, and the woman was sure to start a scene. Kyle could not stand there and watch her cry. He was taken back to the conversations he'd had with Dan in the past. There was no way he could do that.

"Lucy. I'm sorry, but you made your choice," the man apologised, his voice soft as he placed a hand on her shoulder to comfort her.

He wasn't surprise when the woman slapped his hand away and turned her back on him, and he could hear her gently sniffing and wiping her own tears away. There wasn't much that he could do. That apartment had rightfully been Charlie's, after all. Lucy had gotten some support after the whole thing, but her pleas for help suggested that they had soon ran out.

Suddenly, the woman turned around, her green eyes more vibrant in the cold light of the morning, her hair looking like razor blades as it flew through the wind with ease.

"I did not make that choice. _You_ made it for me," she protested, her voice breaking as she pointed at Kyle, accusing him of being the villain in the situation that _she_ had landed herself in.

An annoyed Kyle finally snapped, stepping toward her. Lucy's heartbeat increased rapidly as she looked at the man looming over her and her tear stained cheeks. There was a look of emptiness in his eyes that she hadn't seen before.

"I didn't even know that you had a kid until a month ago. I'll have you know that I sleep perfectly fine at night, too," Kyle mentioned coldly as he backed away from her, continuing to enjoy his cigarette as if everything was fine and what had just been said had not affected him in any way.

Lucy looked back at him, disgusted by his lack of action about her situation and the things that she told him she had resorted to in order to solve it. He looked away as she burst into tears again, walking away from him as fast as she could to find her car and get back to a place that she could no longer call home.

Meanwhile, Dan felt really tired and fed up in his hospital room. No matter how many times he had tried to explain to Ralph, Woody, Will and a frequently absent Charlie that he did not have an addiction to drugs, they did not believe him. It was rather subjective, which was why it was difficult for the singer to explain. Dan rarely used them, he would only use them at times of great stress. Honestly, it was a one-off. Now that the singer could see how much damage drugs did, he knew he would never take them again.

What annoyed the singer more was that the nurses were fine with Ralph sticking around his hotel room. He had barely left Dan's side, unlike Kyle. Unfortunately for Ralph, Dan did not appreciate that nevertheless. Ralph was smiley and nice, so he could understand why the nurses were not keen to kick him out on Dan's request.

"Is there anything you need to tell me?"

Unimpressed, the singer cast his eyes to Ralph. He was sure that Ralph knew everything about him, even more than he knew about himself. Perhaps even more than his parents, for he hadn't been contacting them as much since his music career took off - not that he was on bad terms with them or anything. _Shit, parents,_ Dan thought. He knew that they would be worried, too.

"I guess old habits die hard."

Ralph looked equally unimpressed as he stole the singer's drink that was by his side, downing it as he only had a fiver on him and the water at the hospital in the vending machines was expensive. The singer scowled at him.

"People can die along with old habits, too."

Uncomfortably, Dan looked out of the window, thinking about what Ralph had just said. He went to university. He knew how to analyse things and meanings, and he knew what that meant. Dan just _hated_ how much it related to himself. Silently, he swore to Ralph that he would never take drugs again. Ralph believed him, because he could see the look in his eyes.

"I suppose."

Slowly, Dan pulled off the bedcovers, sliding out of his bed. Ralph gave him a funny look for doing so. The nurses had told him, _instructed him_ that he needed to rest. Even though he understood his old friend's words, Dan felt annoyed, and he didn't want to be in the same room as him for a minute longer.

"Dan, I don't want you to keep running," Ralph admitted, his sentence followed by a deep sigh of disappointment spanning back to three years.

"How can I stop running when that's all I know?" Dan asked him seriously, and the events that had happened up until that moment had clearly proved his point, and he knew that Ralph knew that too.

Quickly, Dan slipped on a jacket, muttered that he was going to find Kyle and put on some shoes before making his way towards the door. Ralph was a lot faster than him, thus displaying this by grabbing hold of his arm, pulling him back from the door. It had been a simple exchange of movement, a matter of seconds. However, Dan's faced immediately turned red and he became flustered at the contact. After all, Ralph hadn't touched him in years.

Reluctantly, the singer needed some time to recover before speaking to Kyle, so he kicked off his shoes, climbed back into his hospital bed and tried to get himself together. How he managed to do that with Ralph sitting in the corner of the room, he didn't know.

A week later, either Dan must have been disconnecting from his wider social circle or he had been out of touch with news, but Laura's wedding was coming up really soon. He did know that she was engaged, but he had no idea that the wedding had been so close. Being the nice and bubbly person that she was, she did call Dan and expressed how much she wanted him to be there. Dan replied and said he would check whether he could make it.

In reality, the singer really didn't feel like socialising. Only the band members knew the real cause of his collapse at his birthday party. Sure, it was the summer, and it was nice, but he wasn't happy. He figured that he needed some time away from others, some time to think for himself.

However, after getting a surprising lecture from Woody, for he was the reckless one of them all next to Kyle, Dan felt a bit guilty. He knew that they would force him to attend whether he liked it or not.

The same case was for Kyle. He didn't want to go because he could really face dealing with Dan directly for a long period of time. That was, if Dan did decide to go.

In the end, both of them ended up agreeing to go to the wedding on a hot summer's day. Dan was roasting, and he frequently found himself at the drinks table, only to be given a lecture form Charlie that time, who believed that alcohol was the key to ruining people's lives, yet he still liked a cider every afternoon. Dan didn't touch a drop of alcohol, though he really wanted to.

Laura looked beautiful as a bride, and had things been different, Dan would have loved to be around someone like her all day. She was so full of life and so innocent and truthful that he feared he would never find anyone like that, ever.

Whilst the singer was on his way to the bathroom, in a flash, he was surprised to feel another's hands on him, pulling him into what seemed like a store cupboard. Dan was met with de ja vu as he hit his head against a shelf, groaning at the man opposite. Kyle turned on the light switch. As he expected, Dan was unamused.

"Again? Do you have a kink for this or some shit?" Dan asked him as he could barely look around the cramped cupboard they were standing in once again.

"No. _No_ ," Kyle denied instantly, feeling his face turn hot as he felt the faint warmth of the other man's breath.

A curious Woody and Will were trying to work out where the other three band members had disappeared to, mainly Dan and Kyle. Charlie had been disappearing a lot recently and would come back at odd intervals. Woody knew he had to investigate that at some other time.

"Then why am I here?" Dan wondered as he managed to run his fingers through his hair, observing the bearded man with folded arms and a stony glare.

Kyle's mind picked up on something, but he chose to ignore it given that they weren't in a comfortable place to talk.

"I want to eat seafood. With you. Tomorrow."

A perplexed Dan gave the other man a funny look, for he knew how much the other members of the band hated the stuff, and hated him for having actual tastebuds.

"Don't you hate seafood?"

"You love it."

A satisfied Dan relaxed his shoulders a little, and that was noticed by Kyle who was unable to keep his eyes off of that particular movement.

"Alright."

They then retreated out of the cupboard and went their separate ways for the rest of that day, though Kyle was still pleased that Dan was still talking to him.

Dinner the following day consisted of Kyle watching Dan eat, for there was no way he was going to eat things that still had eyes showing on them. His stomach was starting to hate him for it, so he reluctantly had to try some of the things on the menu.

"Are you pleased?" Kyle inquired, for he wanted to know whether he was doing enough, or at least enough to start with.

For a moment, Dan took a break from his food.

"You can't bribe me, you know," the singer pointed out before returning to his fourth plate of food.

At least he was eating, Kyle thought, though he wasn't really sure where to go from there. They were at an awkward position in their friendship. Nervously, Kyle cleared his throats and observed his sweaty hands. He'd wanted to say it for a while.

"I want...something out of this," Kyle confessed, directing his gaze away from the singer for a couple of moments.

Naturally, Dan knew what he meant by that. Originally, he didn't like them talking about that, but he knew that he had to make changes with his life. He nodded and said that he agreed.

A few hours later, they were in Dan's flat. They'd been sitting talking about ordinary things for the last few hours, though as time passed on, Kyle increasingly found it more difficult to pay attention to the singer.

Then came Dan complaining about how upon leaving the hospital he had been advised not to drink because it could lead him to make bad decisions. Kyle leaned in closer to him.

"I want you sober for this," he whispered.

A confused Dan raised an eyebrow at Kyle's lack of explanation, though that was soon cleared up when Kyle's lips were upon his. It was a short, passionate kiss that Dan was satisfied to return.

To his surprise, Kyle pulled away from him, smirking. He said nothing but goodnight as he disappeared into his room. Dan put a finger to his lips, thinking about what had just happened.

The feeling of remembering something, being confident that he wouldn't forget anything upon waking up.

To him, that was the best damn feeling in the world.

Elsewhere in London, Will arrived at Ralph's flat. Ralph hadn't been expecting him, but welcomed him nevertheless with a drink. Will turned his nose up at it, declined and insisted that they play cards instead. They caught up with each other a little, the usual.

In the card game that they were playing, Ralph was about to put down a card for his turn when Will interrupted him.

"I saw you and Dan in the hospital."

Ralph had his turn.

"What of it?"

Will had his turn.

"I know something went on between you two, to say the least."

Instantly, Ralph froze. _There was no way he could have deciphered that from when he pulled Dan back into the hospital room._ There were years of conflict between him and Dan that Will couldn't have possibly analysed in just over a week.

"I've seen the way you two look at each other. Originally, I didn't wanna be that guy, but I _have_ to be that guy because I _can't believe_ you wouldn't tell me this," Will explained, feeling hurt by Ralph's lack of action more than Dan's lack of action.

An annoyed Ralph had never liked the fact that Will had always been right, had always been the one with a hunch. He had not invited him into his flat, either.

"And who are you to judge me?" Ralph questioned him, for he was only a man, and a man could only do so much.

"Some things are better left unsaid, but I miss the person I knew before," Will answered in all honesty.

Silence fell.


	12. Rarity of Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is no need for this chapter to be as long as it is, sorry. oh well.  
> if you notice, things mentioned in flashback chapters and present day chapters and vice versa will start to link more now  
> things are okay, i'm sorry if this seemed like I was rambling - it's because the next chapter is going to be a bit wOaH   
> thanks

**1 year ago**

Kyle and Dan, for once, were doing something productive. They sorted through Dan's office-style bedroom and found some old papers that he'd lost, as well as half eaten pieces of food that were somehow still in date. Kyle turned his nose up at that, though he was glad that they'd finished after three hours.

Neither one of them had wanted to admit it, but things had been strange for the last couple of days. Their families weren't in the country, whilst Woody, Will and Charlie had been doing their own things for the last week.

What Dan remembered was that one night, they stayed up talking about things. It was no different than any other night. Kyle had fixed his eyes on him for longer than he would have anticipated, and Dan had felt his heart race. Their faces suddenly got closer, and both of them were getting caught in the moment until their foreheads were touching, and Dan was breathing heavily.

The tension had come to a close, and he had been waiting for it for so long.

"We can't," both of them said in unison at the same time.

They returned to their original seating positions, surprised that they had both said the same thing. However; that just made things awkward. Kyle had always wanted something more, whilst Dan wasn't sure and was trying to figure it all out.

They were a pair of parallel lines that would never meet.

As more time went on, Dan couldn't help but think about what had happened. After they'd come back from tour, he remembered that he and Kyle had an awkward conversation on the tour bus, where they tried to talk about it and Kyle, like the idiot he was, tried to _close the gap between them_ by getting into Dan's bed.

He wouldn't let Kyle lead him astray, he thought. It was a dream he'd been holding onto for too long, and he needed to let it go. If he didn't, he knew that things would only get worse. Dan kept himself busy in the upcoming weeks, keeping himself as far away from his best friend as possible. At first, it proved difficult, but he got used to it.

It was easier to bury his head in the sand sometimes, he guessed.

Things did get better, especially when one of Dan's friends he'd made in the past few years was in London and needed a place to stay. He let him stay over at his apartment. The man's name was Allistair, and he was a bit younger than Dan, but very likeable. He was tall, olive skinned with hazel eyes and light brown hair.

Allistair happened to bring up the terrible subject of significant others. They hadn't seen each other in just over two years.

"Is there really no one since the last time I visited you?"

Before Dan could answer, Allistair already knew the answer, for he smirked and looked at the blue eye man as if he had just gotten him into a corner. A frustrated Dan sighed, for he knew the man could see straight through him, and he hated that.

"There was, but I can't."

Confused, his friend straightened up and stared at him. The singer could be awfully depressing and pessimistic most of the time, but when it came to the people involved in his life, his face would usually light up and he would be overwhelmed with happiness. However, Allistair felt as if he was looking at a completely different person.

"You can't?"

"They're out of my reach."

Allistair would convince Dan that nothing was out of reach, though the singer would pretend to care and listen to him for the sake of their friendship. The blue eyed man value sir because it was different. It was fresher, more exciting. Allistair took risks, and Dan loved hearing all about them, even if Kyle did not.

For the next week, the singer focused much of his attention on the new arrival. The rest of the band were okay with it, as they didn't have another tour coming up till five months later that year. Allistair was easy going and extroverted, the complete opposite of Dan, but whenever he made an appearance, those characteristics seemed to rub off on the singer temporarily, giving him more confidence.

Whenever Dan felt a little lonely during that week, he would pick up his phone and looked through his past conversations with one person in particular. When he realised that was only making the situation worse, he convinced himself that was not the right thing to do, seeing as he was desperately trying to distance himself from that person considering the moment they'd had not so long ago.

That was still pretty recent, too, Dan thought.

Unfortunately, it was all the singer could think about. Kyle was on his mind every minute of that day, as well as what could have been. The reality was that nobody could ever get what they wanted, and Dan knew that, for the fallout would be too great for them to handle. The singer would annoy the bearded man, and he knew it. Really, they were opposites. Kyle was the thoughtful, jolly one who hated seeing people upset. Dan was the pessimistic, hopeless one who would run away from situations.

That week, the bearded man was starting to grow annoyed at Allistair's lingering presence. He had known Dan for a number of years, and he knew him well enough to know what he was doing. Dan was using Allistair to fill a hole that had opened up about a week ago, where he and the singer shared an awkward moment. It proved that Dan was not mature enough, and would never be up to his standards for the games he was playing.

Kyle wasn't fond of games.

And he was a fucking mess, too.

For what felt like the hundredth time that day, the bearded man collapsed onto his bed, his back hitting the soft bedsheets and pillows, cushioning his fall.

As he spent his time there, he observed the curling and his thoughts slowly started to take over. After a while, it was clear that it wasn't Dan that was the problem. It wasn't himself, either.  They both had too much self control for their own good. Of course, Kyle wished that he had the confidence to have less, but he wasn't that type of person. He could only go as far as his feelings let him.

And he wasn't getting much back from Dan Smith.

However, Allistair wasn't an idiot, and he had noticed something that had been on the back of his mind since he had arrived in Dan's apartment. The way that Kyle looked at him whenever he was around Dan. It wasn't a friendly look, he knew that much. He wasn't sure whether the bearded man was being overprotective or something, but he was receiving a lot of negative vibes from him. Allistair knew his outgoing persona could scare some people off, but Kyle had a similar personality to him. They'd been fine before.

Instead of doing the obvious thing and confronting Kyle about it, Allistair decided against it and took matters to the singer. When they happened to be alone in his apartment, Allistair turned to Dan. He seemed relaxed enough to talk about it. Then again, if the singer reacted badly, he worried that it would damage their friendship, and he _really_ valued it - probably more than Dan would ever know. Feeling conflicted, he bit down on his lip. The singer looked at his friend.

"Is something wrong, Allis?" Dan inquired seriously, brushing his hair away from his face with his fingers and staring at him out of concern.

Nervously, his friend fiddled with his fingers, wondering what to say. Of course, he already knew what he was going to say, but it was a matter of how. He took a deep breath before making eye contact with the blue-eyed man again.

"Um...I think that Kyle may have a thing for you. Whenever I'm around you, he isn't himself. I can tell he dislikes me," Allistair pointed out, anxiously rubbing his hands together in anticipation of his friend's reply.

Dan's eyes widened instantly, and he blushed. He too had seen the look in Kyle's eyes, and how he had developed a distaste for Allistair since he appeared. It would have only been a matter of time before it was brought up. _At least he hadn't found out the full truth,_ the singer thought. He had to steer him away from that, though.

"I _highly_ doubt that. The guy's as straight as an arrow," Dan dismissed the topic completely, laughing as if it was really funny.

Allistair wasn't convinced, but acted as if he was. He hadn't known Dan for as long as the band members or his other friends, but he had known him long enough to know when he was lying about something. He just had to find out what it was.

A few hours later that day, Allistair went out with some friends. Kyle, for once in the past week, stayed put in his room. Dan was in the apartment too, editing some drabbles of failed songs that he had typed up on his laptop. In general, he had a lot to do, and he just had to get on with it. However, Kyle had other plans for him when he stood in the doorway of his room. Dan gestured for him to come inside.

Slowly, Kyle walked towards the singer's bed, sitting beside him. Not that the singer had noticed, but the bearded man was eyeing him. Without hesitation, Kyle shut Dan's laptop. The singer raised his head to look at his friend in confusion. Kyle was not directing his gaze elsewhere, and it was starting to scare Dan because it was making him more and more comfortable as the seconds went by.

No words were said as the bearded man reached out, linking his hand with Dan's. In embarrassment, the blue-eyed man watched as their fingers combined together and their palms touched. The singer panicked completely, his heart skipping a beat as his breathing quickly turned heavy. He closed his eyes momentarily. Dan's reaction was enough for Kyle to know that he had _won that fight_. Just to make sure, he secured it by squeezing the singer's hand tighter, catching him off guard as he gasped. Then, he pulled him closer.

"Why are you making me feel like this?" Dan whispered quietly as he tried to control his breathing, but failed as soon as he felt the other man's hot breath, enough for him to feel on his nose and forehead.

Naturally, Kyle gave the man a blank expression. He knew that Dan was embarrassed, but he was far from it. Kyle knew who he was and what he stood for, and in a wild world full of evil people, he was more than prepared to take risks.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kyle replied quietly, fixing his gaze on the other man once again.

That was followed by Kyle linking his free hand with Dan's other hand. It must have put Dan on edge, because he blushed a brighter shade of red than he had before. That was enough to satisfy Kyle.

"You're a liar," Dan accused him, still refusing to open his eyes and look at the man sat opposite him, for he feared it would be too much for him to handle.

The words rung in his friend's ears. 

"Say that again," Kyle coaxed, his tone a little lower than it was before.

At that, Dan flinched. Slowly, he gave in to temptation and opened his eyes, observing his friend carefully to judge what would be his next move.

" _Liar._ "

Instantly, Kyle smirked upon hearing the words, slipping his fingers away from Dan's and placing his hands firmly on Dan's waist. The singer was paralyzed by the sudden contact. That was fine by Kyle, who sighed at being overwhelmed with satisfaction of his hands on his friend. Though, he knew that something so good had to end.

And it did, for they heard the sound of the front door opening, and Kyle reluctantly drew himself away from the singer, retreating back to his room. Dan realised that Allistair had been right, and he wondered what mess he had gotten himself into.

**Present Day**

Charlie had spent the whole of the afternoon in his room. He would have been up and about doing things, but there was something that was bothering him - ever since Dan had gotten released from hospital. Seeing her again had sparked something inside of him. Something that he had tried to hold down, but he realised he could no longer control himself. He'd been wracking his brain to think of something, _any reason_ as to why.

Then, Kyle came back to Dan's flat. The door slammed, and a loud sigh escaped from the bearded man as he had a box of beers in one hand and a bag of food in the other. Normally, Charlie would have greeted him. He did not. Kyle walked over to him with a weak smile, which was broken the moment he saw the look on the other man's face. It was a look of annoyance. From that, it was obvious that he had had a sleepless night.

"What did you and Lucy talk about at the hospital?" the man asked him seriously, for he had little energy for questioning Kyle's loyalty to him.

Charlie's words seemed to echo off the walls, and the bearded man froze on the spot instantly, trying to think of how he would get himself out of that one. Whenever he and Lucy met, he would always make sure that nobody saw them. That meant that Charlie had _seen_ them. Anxiously, Kyle bit down on his lip, digging a nail into his palm to try to calm himself down.

"She ambushed me. She was just trying to draw sympathy from me," the bearded man blatantly lied, not looking the other man in the eye.

There was a silence that fell. Although nothing was said, he knew that his lie had not been good enough. What he was witnessing was a mad Charlie, but of course, he was the type of person to not show it directly. That frightened Kyle. It was different to fighting with Dan - Kyle always knew what the blue-eyed man was going to say, what hand gestures he would make and when he would raise his voice. With Charlie, that was an entirely different ball game.

"Are you serious? I know you're lying to me, I-I know you're on her side. She _spoke_ to me, Kyle," Charlie accused him.

Nervously, Kyle tensed up. Charlie was getting the completely wrong end of the stick, but if he tried to defend himself, he figured that it would only make things worse. Kyle reckoned that he needed about ten minutes to explain himself, and he highly doubted that the man beside him was going to give him that long to do so. It was very hard for Kyle to stay silent. It was not something he would have done typically in that situation, but he felt as if it was necessary.

But the fact that  _witch_ had talked to him should have been enough, Kyle thought.

"Kyle. I-I-I need to know. I-I-I can't have her in my life again. Please. I just need to know what she was after. I-I need to be okay. I need to b-be in control." 

At the sight of Charlie's hands shaking, Kyle took a deep breath. He recognised the signs. He couldn't watch him have a possible panic attack, so he swallowed his pride and looked at the man in front of him. Slowly, the bearded man put his hands together and told Charlie to give him a minute. Then, he opened his mouth to speak.

"She has a kid. She's been prostituting herself since I threw her out of your flat. I didn't know this until a month ago."

"It ain't much different to what she was doing under my roof."

At Charlie's remark, Kyle's eyes widened a little. He wasn't sure about his stance on the whole situation, but he thought that was a little unnecessary. Of course, Kyle was human, and he did feel guilty about kicking her out. Charlie did not, though he admitted that he was surprised that she had a kid. A satisfied Charlie went back to his room, whilst Kyle remained where he was, his jaw open. That was _not_ the Charlie that he knew.

Three hours later, Kyle fell asleep. He woke up, shocked to find Dan sitting at his beside. _Had he been watching him the whole time?_ Then again, Kyle figured that if that had been the case, then he wouldn't have minded anyway. Playfully, he smirked at Dan.

"We're moving fast," Kyle joked, his grin getting wider as Dan stared at him out of a familiar hate that he had been carrying for the last year.

In response, the singer grabbed the nearest pillow he could find, hitting the other man over the head with it. The blue-eyed man had a feeling that he would lord that kiss over him. _It had just been one time. One time he'd given into his charms._ Dan was still annoyed that straight after the kiss, Kyle had disappeared to his room, leaving him alone and _certain._ The singer was unsure whether he wanted to go back to the days where they were confusing the hell out of each other.

With ease, Kyle got hold of Dan's wrist. At that, the singer gasped and tried to regain control, but by that point it was too late, because Kyle had dragged him onto the bed. Dan's face landed directly in the pillow beside Kyle. He muttered something under his breath, though he was glad for the cover because his face was glowing red.

"You're not facing me," Kyle pointed out.

He knew that Dan had heard him. Dan's face grew hotter as he buried his face further into the pillow, hoping that it would swallow him completely so that he wouldn't have to interact with the man lying next to him. It was barely his fault, he hadn't meant to stay that long - not to the point that the bearded man would wake up, anyway.

Slowly, the singer gave in, rotating himself to face the other way. However, he placed a pillow firmly between them so that the other man couldn't see how red his face was.

"You're shy and introverted, but that's one of the many things I like about you."

Feeling surprised at the sudden compliment, the blue-eyed man cautiously lowered the pillow so that the other man could see his eyes. Kyle rolled his eyes at that and figured it would take a while for Dan to feel more comfortable with the idea of them being more than what they were.

Elsewhere, Charlie, Woody and Will were sat in a nearby pizza restaurant, though none of them were hungry. They went inside and ordered drinks and one tiny starter to share between the free of them. The staff didn't seem very impressed, though they guessed the drinks would add up to a decent price. After eating two garlic dough balls, Charlie declared himself stuffed. Woody and Will had noticed that he'd been drinking a lot since they arrived. They would ask him why later, for they didn't want to start a scene.

They were there for a number of reasons, the main one being obvious considering the intelligence one of them had gathered recently.

"You went to see Ralph? How's he doing?" Woody inquired casually to start up a general conversation because they had been sitting in silence for the last ten minutes.

The man that the question was targeted to thought carefully about his reply. He didn't want to be too frank about it, because it involved more than one person, and one of them would be more hurt by it than the other. Taking a deep breath, he decided it was best to make it known what had been going on whilst the wool was pulled over their eyes.

"Ralph and Dan had something going on," Will declared, instantly lighting a cigarette, though Woody badly wanted to remind him that just because they were sat at a table outside did not mean he had the right to do so.

Regardless, the smoke and fumes did not bother Charlie, though he looked rather guilty as perspiration made its way down his forehead and his facial expression was emotionless and still. Woody was shocked. Will explained how his visit had gone down with Ralph, and how he had made connections along the way about the whole thing at the hospital.

"That explains how Dan didn't want him to visit him. It also explains why he went AWOL at that party we were at not too long ago," Woody realised.

Two sets of eyes turned to Charlie to comment on matters, but he was very still. Eventually, he couldn't take the staring any longer so he decided to say something.

"I knew Dan was gay. It was about three years ago, we were clubbing, and I saw him kiss another guy. I didn't say anything because it wasn't my place," Charlie explained quietly, quickly shoving another two dough balls in his mouth.

The other two men nodded, taking that in. Will figured that must have been around the time that Dan and Ralph had affections for one another. Clearly, for some reason, it hadn't worked out. Will asked the men whether it was right to tell Kyle or not. After two minutes of complete silence and the dough balls devoured, someone said something.

"I really, really don't think you should," Woody urged strongly, for he could only imagine the fallout of that, thinking back to when instruments were thrown around the studio and doors were slammed.

"We're living in a world where we're experiencing the terrifying rarity of truth. Why shouldn't you?" Charlie prompted Will, and that concluded that the band were divided on the issue.

After Dan having stayed in the hospital, they didn't see it right to grill him about it straight away. Will thought to himself for a moment. He did not like the fact that they could not agree on what to do. What he did do was pull his phone out and dial a number. Woody and Charlie watched him in silence. Will opened his mouth to say four words to the person on the other end.

"When did it start?"


	13. Unsteady

  
At twelve noon, two men are sitting opposite each other with only a coffee table spreading them. One of them was having instant regrets that meeting up had been a bad idea, whilst the other was satisfied to see his friend in the flesh again. Of course, for obvious reasons, they knew they would have to keep their meeting rather short. Slowly, one of the men reached for the jug of water sat on the table, pouring its contents into a glass. He put it to his lips, taking a sip. The other man felt guilty for staring momentarily, and turned his gaze to his shoelaces. _As if it had to be water,_ he thought. _Did he not have anything stronger?_

"I shouldn't be here," Dan decided firmly, because he knew the difference between right and wrong, and he was sure to get an ear-bashing from anyone if they found out he'd left his apartment without telling his band mates.

"I can't pretend you weren't in my arms," Ralph replied, going against the other man's decision that them talking about _that_ was not necessary.

The blue eyed man stared at Ralph. He had put him in an awkward position. They had never talked about that night, and it had been years since it had happened, yet Ralph had not forgotten about. Dan remembered being drunk and high at the same time. Whenever he was like that, he was bound to get flirty so he should have known better, though Ralph was partly to blame, too. But Dan had no idea that Ralph had such strong feelings for him.

"Do you regret...what we did?" Dan asked him seriously, maintaining full eye contact with the other man for about a minute until he replied.

"No," Ralph answered, and he seemed quite adamant.

Dan took a deep breath, because he hadn't expected that answer. at that moment, he thought about leaving, though someone had told him that he needed to stop running away from his problems, or they would grow and there would be no weed killer that could save him. _Was that the right quote?_ He swore he was mixing up advice from Ralph and Charlie. So much had happened in the last month and a bit, and Dan had to learn to adjust to it.

"Why?" the blue-eyed man wondered, his eyes wide as he couldn't understand why Ralph could be so fixed on him, as nobody ever had been before.

There was a brief moment where Ralph looked away from him as he tried to get his thoughts together. It was the first time they had talked about _that night._ When he had pictured the conversation with Dan in his head, it had gone a lot smoother. He wished Dan could understand how he felt so he didn't have to explain it, because that was what he was afraid of.

Ralph set his glass down on the table and told him, "When I get the chance, I want you in my arms again."

Nervously, Dan gulped. The other man had made his feelings quite clear. Though he had asked why, he still hadn't been expecting that answer. He didn't want to upset Ralph, but he had to say what everyone else would have expected him to say had they known about the situation.

"Whatever we had...it has to go," the blue-eyed man whispered as he fiddled with his fingers, not meeting the gaze of the other man sat opposite him.

It was a fair point to make, so Ralph nodded. He swallowed his pride and thought back to what he had mumbled at the hospital the first time that Dan had hurt himself, and how he had seen Kyle sleeping outside of his hospital room.

"So be it," Ralph agreed, biting back his tongue because he knew that it wasn't fair, but he had to give in because Dan was vulnerable.

Before too much time passed, Dan got up and bid Ralph farewell. Dan stepped outside of Ralph's flat, letting the mild air hit his face as he out his hood up, his hands in his pockets and walked briskly to the next tube station as he kept his head down.

When he returned to his flat, Dan was surprised to be greeted to Kyle, who took his hand and led him over to the sofa. They sat down, and the singer was going to be frustrated if his got another lecture about not telling anyone where he was heading out.

"You mean the world to me. All those times that you were in the hospital, I couldn't bear the thought of losing you, slipping from my fingers. I think of you all the time, and I hope the feeling is mutual," Kyle expressed, his face soft.

The sudden confession made Dan blush. That made him feel a little guilty, for he knew that he had to own up to some things that had been bothering him for a while.

"I'm sorry for being so reckless. I can see how worried you were - how all of you were," the blue-eyed man apologised, for he knew he had been a pain for the last month.

There was a pause, where Dan thought about what he really wanted, but he wasn't sure how to put it in words. He held his breath for a moment anticipating it. Then, he leaned in slightly, getting a little closer to the bearded man before kissing him softly. A surprised Kyle returned his affection but kissing him back, nibbling on the singer's bottom lip. Feeling tempted, Kyle ran his fingers through the other man's hair, causing Dan to smile into the kiss.

"So we're giving this a go?" Dan wondered, just to make sure.

"I'm up for it, and more," Kyle teased.

At that, Dan rolled his eyes and put a hand to his mouth as the bearded man tried to go in for another kiss. Dan blushed furiously and mumbled something about how Kyle would have to treat him to dinner first. Kyle scowled, though they successfully arranged a time when they could go out. Dan was looking forward to spending more time with the bearded man, though he was worried for them at the same time.

He had to admit, he hated keeping secrets from his friends, especially Kyle. It pained him and it felt wrong that he knew that Ralph still had feelings for him, but he wasn't going to tell anyone. Firstly, it was awkward. Dan did not know that Will and the others knew of Ralph's involvement with him. Dan assumed the opposite and was unsure whether Ralph would be comfortable about admitting being involved with another man.

The singer shook the thoughts out of his head. He felt disappointed that although things had almost been resolved with Kyle, there were still going to be things that would threaten their developing relationship. Most of all, he did not want Ralph to get caught up in all the drama that would unfold if anyone did happen to find out. It wouldn't be fair on him, despite Dan's hating of him recently.

_Why did Ralph like him?_

Dan's thoughts were interrupted by Kyle flicking his forehead. The singer yelped and slapped him playfully in response before frowning at the man. Kyle laughed and told him to stop spacing out. Dan obliged as he didn't want Kyle to ask him if something was wrong, because he was unsure whether he would be able to answer that question.

A couple of hours later, Dan figured that he needed to get away from his own thoughts. He made an excuse to leave his flat, stepping out into the wild world outside. His eyes caught onto the lights of the night, the bustling city and most of all, the strangers within it. There was one woman who appeared to be in a rush, tucked tightly into her long, black coat as she hurried along, her phone to her ear. He pitied her, for he believed that everyone should have the right to go at their own pace. As he stood in the busy streets of London and looked around him, time seemed to have frozen, and he was _stuck._ He was stuck in the fluid atmosphere, the heat of the people and the unsteadiness of his feet. The blue-eyed man's eyes seemed to latch onto another woman. Her face seemed to resemble Laura's, and he was slow to realise that it was not her.

Convinced he was going insane, he bid his feet to take him to the nearest tube station so he could get away from that place, the place that had made him think that the world had gone mad.

It was strange, or rather, not so strange that he found himself elsewhere in London, particularly on a familiar doorstep. He knocked, they answered, and he stepped inside. Dan took a deep breath, running his hands through his messy, wild hair. His vision was a little blurry. _How could he function if he didn't even know what was real? Why did he come there?_

"I forget what you were like before the habits," Ralph admitted honestly, a sad look appearing on his face, feeling as if he was looking at a stranger and they were looking back at him.

There was a pause in time where Dan looked back at Ralph, and his mind took him back to those times when they were close, when they talked to each other about things. He hadn't meant for things to get as worse as they were. The blue-eyed man had always convinced himself that he would be sure to keep in contact with his old friend, though it had never really happened in the last four years.

"I forget who I was too," Dan confessed, not making eye contact with the man.

Silence passed as Ralph side, and he had sympathy for him because it was partly his fault why he had ended up the way he was. He realised that he could have made more of an effort to keep in contact with him, or at least check that he was doing okay. Deep inside, Ralph hoped that Kyle could provide for him, because he could not.

"I'm losing it, Ralph. I'm fucking losing it."

Before Ralph could say anything, he witnessed Dan break down, his shoulders shaking furiously as the hot tears rolled down his cheeks. At first, he watched him cry. Then, he realised he couldn't let him do that, so he pulled him into a hug.

It was one thing, that quite noticeably, Kyle had never done.

With a start, the blue-eyed man woke up, almost struggling to breathe. His heart was beating so fast that perspiration was dripping down the side of his forehead. To calm himself down, he observed his surroundings and tried to pick out anything familiar. However, his sight let him down, because the blurriness came back again. He saw shapes, a merge of colours, some real, some not. Dan pressed his fingers to his eyes and tried to rub them. His sight improved slightly. It was safe to say that he was not in his flat.

There was a gap in time.

Sometime later, he awoke again, feeling confused. He did remember parts of the last time he woke up sometime before, but even that was starting to become hazy. Dan blinked once, then looked around him. He remembered someone's touch. A hand shaking him gently. There were a pair of eyes watching him.

"Should you be here?" Allistair asked him seriously, and Dan had to think about that question because of the damned irony from it.

He eyed a deck of cards beside his friend.  _Of course._ Dan had been stupid to think that Allistair and Ralph hadn't talked over the years. They had a mutual friend connecting them together somewhere down the line, after all. Dan's heart burned.

"I'm not understanding," Dan replied, biting his lip because he could make sense of the situation around him.

There was no reply from Allistair, who rose from his seat, turning his back on the singer and leaving the room that he was in. The blue-eyed man sat up, hoping the four walls would give him an answer, or even a solution to his problems. The voices in his head were growing higher and more frequent.

Surprisingly in one piece, Dan returned back to his flat in the late night. He tried to close the front door as quietly as possible, only to be ambushed when the lights were turned on and his angry looking bandmates were all lined up, waiting for him. The singer prepared for an ear-bashing.

"Where you been, mate?" Woody asked.

Dan had forgotten what excuse he had given to Kyle. He made the mistake of glancing at the bearded man. Kyle did not meet his gaze. _Well._

"Out. I lost track of time," the blue-eyed man answered, his honestly questionable.

He watched nervously as his friends whispered amongst themselves. Will looked the most mad, and that was expected because he usually acted as a father to them all. Though, most of the time he was more like a cool dad. _He was bloody furious,_ Dan thought.

"We were really worried about where you were. You can't do these disappearing acts anymore. Anything could have happened to you,"  Will expressed.

Dan nodded, looking down at the floor and apologising. Will went on to say more to make him feel bad, though it really was for his own benefit. When he thought all the hassle was over, he felt moisture leave his face. He tilted his head slightly to find that it was blood travelling down from his nose and onto his shirt. Dan braced himself.

"Have you been at it again?" Kyle questioned him.

" _No_ ," Dan snapped, as he scrambled around to find something to take care of the blood that was determined to leave his body.

As the singer pressed a load of tissue to his wet nose, the group watched as Will stormed out of Dan's flat. They blinked at the slamming of the door and the loud noise that it had left. Dan was worried he was causing hell, but he didn't know how.

In half an hour, Will arrived somewhere that he quite frankly, did not want to be. He just needed answers and he figured that he was not going to get them from Dan Smith. He raised his right hand to knock on the door, but was surprised to find that the door, at that second, was opened by the man no other than the root cause of _everything_.

"I was half expecting you at my door."

"Was Dan with you? Today?"

" _Demanding_."

"Answer the question."

Will rolled his eyes as he remembered  the possibility that a slightly tipsy Ralph could be very useless to him. He eyed the glass in his hands and could only guess what he had been drinking all night. He hoped that Dan had not touched that, either. Will was unhappy to find that Dan had visited Ralph twice that day.

Even though Charlie didn't want him to, he had to do it anyway - for the sake of other people finding happiness, at least.

"I don't want you to sabotage anything Dan has going on with someone else," Will warned him, because he figured that Ralph was doing more damage than he thought he was.

"I wouldn't think of doing anything like that," Ralph protested firmly, his tone staying very flat and monotone, or perhaps that was just the alcohol talking.

Will wasn't very impressed, whether completely drunk or not, he could tell that even Ralph was unsure if he had meant every word that he had just said. He did not like that fact at all, and decided it was best to leave.

"I just hope you know where your head's at," Will pointed out.

Ralph didn't reply. Will looked at him one last time before stepping out onto the streets of London, thinking about all the things that should have been said a long time ago.


	14. Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a bit late. Apologies. I wanted to know how you guys are finding this, i'm quite insecure about the crap I write half the time. I want your ideas (comments) if possible, about where you think the plot is going before I introduce a new idea. I think I would need to explain it in my next set of notes in order for it to work.(you'll see)
> 
> thanks guys.:)

After doing a special performance in some fancy place in London, it had occurred to Dan that whilst he had been singing, all of his words linked back to Kyle. In fact, all of words, he felt, were about Kyle. It was following him around so much that he had to ask the bearded man something before he lost his mind. 

When he got the chance, Dan pulled Kyle aside from the other band members whilst they were backstage. Kyle raised an eyebrow at him before glancing at a nearby store cupboard. Dan rolled his eyes and attacked the bearded man temporarily with his elbow. _As if he was thinking about dragging him into another store cupboard. That would have been the third time,_ Dan thought.

"I wanted to ask you what we are."

Kyle blinked, as the singer's words had induced a chuckle from him. It was a cute, brief one that had escaped from his mouth and beyond his lips. Then, he looked at Dan directly. Dan's heart skipped a beat and he had to give himself a few seconds to catch his breath again. 

He had his answer.

"I don't make a habit of kissing my friends, I don't know about you."

At once, Dan's eyes widened and he was worried for a moment that the man he cared so much about had found out his secret. When he could see that Kyle was laughing and he hadn't been referring to Ralph, Dan relaxed a little, laughing with him. _There was no way he could tell him. He'd been such a fuck-up recently over the past month and a bit - there was no more room for mistakes._

"You know that I've liked you for a long time. I hated seeing you hurt. I hated seeing you cry, I felt so guilty," Kyle confessed, looking down at the floor because he felt himself getting a little emotional.

That action caused the singer to pause, and he observed Kyle for a moment and wished that there were more people in the world like him. He was so kind and honest, the honesty he had always been searching for in his life considering the messed up world they lived in. Through all the shit and the madness, Kyle was the light shining through. It was impossible to block him out, and Dan was willing to prevent that light from going out. It seemed that right then, more than ever, he knew what he wanted.

"It's so soon, and I know you've had a lot of shit going on, but we could try the whole dating thing - I mean, if that's what you want," Kyle mentioned.

The blue-eyed man laughed and thought about the offer. It was one he couldn't refuse, so he looked at the bearded man and smiled.

"I'd like that," Dan replied.

Kyle smiled too, and it seemed that everything was going to be alright. Well, until Kyle got a hold of the singer's arm and pulled him into that store cupboard Dan thought he had been joking about earlier. The singer's back hit the wall, and he scowled at the man standing next to him in such a confined space. Dan stared at the man for an answer as to why he had orchestrated that for the _third_ time.

"I wasn't sure if you wanted anyone to see this," the bearded man pointed out.

Feeling confused, Dan looked at his brown-eyed friend, not understanding where he was going with the conversation. Stupidly, he looked over his shoulder. When he realised that they were in a _damned store cupboard and nobody else could see them_ , he blinked rapidly. _Only Kyle,_ he thought. 

"See what, exactly?" the singer asked, and he knew that he would regret asking immediately after he did so.

Yet, he was still taken by surprise as Kyle's lips brushed up against his. Dan closed his eyes as they came to a satisfying, passionate kiss. In those few seconds, it had suddenly occurred to the singer that he had never enjoyed a kiss as much as that before. In fact, he had never _felt_ anything like that before. In those moments, he looked back on his whole life and started to wonder whether he had ever been in love, or even close to it.

 _Fuck that_ , he thought. He wasn't going to go there. Not in front of Kyle, anyway.

Meanwhile elsewhere in London, Charlie found himself walking down a dirty street filled with litter and the high pitched scrambling noises of mice. He turned his nose up at the houses he was approaching and how run-down they looked. He was no snob, but he couldn't remember his childhood looking anything like that. There was a couple arguing not too far from him. The man seemed unfazed by the woman screaming at him and throwing things at him. It gave Charlie chills.

It really wasn't that long ago, but he felt so _bitter_.

Even now, it was a kind of mistreatment he could never really define, even with the support of others. He might have been an outsider looking in, but that was enough to make him look back on that small reminder of his past - and it would always stay with him. Charlie walked ahead with his head down, passing the couple and saying nothing as they both argued about taking money out of their shared bank account.

There were demons running around in his head as a woman emerged from one of the houses. It was the big house at the end of the street with the nice windows and pastel blue curtains. Her hair was long and brown, like it had always been, but there seemed to be less life in it, and the colour had certainly drained from her face. Her closed looked used. The woman's skin resembled paper, and her eyes had heavy bags under them. The moment she came to a halt, Charlie felt a raindrop bounce off his nose. Slowly, they both raised their heads to look at the dripping sky above them. Then, they faced each other.

"You living like this?" Charlie assumed, looking over his shoulder to make sure nobody was going to rob him, because it seemed to be that kind of neighbourhood.

His assumption trigged a scoff from the woman as her green eyes flashed with hurt mixed with a raw, frustrated emotion that even she couldn't describe herself. It was similar to what Charlie had once felt, but it was differnet all the same.

"Your pity is spiteful," Lucy noted, her words passing from his lips very quietly and slowly, as if she had something stuck in her throat.

Charlie thought for a moment before saying anything more. He stared at her before directing his gaze to the ground. He thought that he would have been strong enough to handle it, but he couldn't look at her so directly. His fears heightened when he saw the tears forming in her eyes, and he didn't know what to do.

"I'm...I'm going to...I want to help," Charlie managed.

He reached out, giving her his hand. She observed it for a moment as if it would bite her. Then, she advanced toward it quickly and took it, balancing successfully on her feet from the manoeuvre. 

An hour after Charlie returned back to Dan's flat, Kyle had been pacing in the bathroom. Woody, Will and Dan were elsewhere. Finally, Kyle emerged from the bathroom and burst into the living room. It made Charlie jump. He watched as the bearded man marched over to him with a Wii remote in one hand and his car keys in the other. Kyle was panting heavily, and he sure as hell looked manned.

"We're going for a drive."

"I'm waiting on pizza Kyle, I can't just up and leave-"

"We're going for a fucking drive."

Charlie, who looked offended for a moment, got up from his seat and slipped on some shoes before following his friend out the door. He didn't have the energy for an argument considering all the energy it had taken for him to make that journey he had done about two hours ago. Charlie's heart was racing as they got into Dan's car. He knew that Dan wouldn't be happy with Kyle using it without his permission, but it wasn't his place to say so.

Kyle drove for ten minutes without saying anything. What made the ride worse was the fact that he didn't turn the radio on. Charlie went through all the things he could have said to Kyle to make him mad. From what he knew, Kyle was the calmest person he knew - apart from when a bit of anger was needed, but still.

"I know you talked to Lucy, and you crazy? After all the crap she's put you through? What possessed you?" Kyle inquired, not understanding his reasoning behind what he had done not so long ago.

"I needed to be in control of it. It's fine now, I promise," Charlie assured him, though his argument was weak and in need of development.

Since he was a good friend, Kyle asked him if he was okay again, though Charlie replied with a similar answer. Once Kyle felt satisfied that Charlie was OK, he changed lanes and proceeded to make his way back to Dan's flat.

**7 and a half months ago**

"What problem?" Will asked Kyle, because until he admitted that he had one, he didn't look like he was hiding something from Will and the rest of the group.

Kyle took a deep breath, and Will was worried that it was some deep, dark secret that nobody knew anything about. _He probably stole something at that last party they went to,_ he thought. Kyle could get a little weird when he was drunk. There had been many a time where he'd tried to flirt with Will, and in front of people, too.

"I have strong feelings for someone. I can tell they feel the same way, but they won't open up to me. They're so closed off," Kyle said.

Will thought for a moment. Something popped into his head, but it quickly disappeared. Kyle blinked at him, waiting for a reply. The band always talked to each other about things, and Kyle hoped that Will would be able to give him some advice. However,  those few seconds of silence made the bearded man think. Upon telling Will his _problem_ , he realised he might have to reveal the identity of the person that he was having the problem with. _Ah, a new problem,_ Kyle thought.

"Would you say you loved them?" Will wondered.

At that question, Kyle turned silent. He wasn't sure how to answer that question because the person he had in mind, he hadn't even kissed them. They had almost kissed once, but that wasn't enough for Kyle. He wanted to appreciate that person. A whole minute had passed since the other man had asked the question. Will raised his eyebrows, still getting no reaction.

"I probably fucking do," Kyle realised, running his hands through his hair and staring beyond Will at the random painting Woody had bought back from his travels in Europe a few years ago.

Silence passed again. Kyle had never thought about something so hard in his life. When he started piecing all the evidence in his mind together, it began to make more and more sense. Of course, he was sure he liked that person, and he did _very much_ , but _love?_ Love was a strong word in itself, but they were worth it. He was sure of it.

"Now you know, I don't think you need my help," Will pointed out softly.

**Present Day**

When Dan got back to his apartment after the gig before the rest of the band, he estimated that he had another half hour to himself. He decided to use that time to think about the events of the previous night. Of course, his friends had tried to ask and confront him about where he had been, but Dan honestly couldn't remember what happened. He wasn't sure how he had managed to get through a performance, let alone a whole day.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to picture where he had gone the previous night. His brain took him back to Ralph's. That was all well and good, but he couldn't remember what he _did_ at Ralph's.

He must have fallen asleep, because by the time he woke up, he was surrounded by his bandmates. Slowly, he rose from the sofa, rubbing his eyes and groaning. He had the headache from hell and it was _not_ going to go away. When he saw how they were sat around him, he sat back down, his head an the armrest and looking up at the ceiling.

He wasn't a liar.

"I can't remember what I did last night," Dan finally confessed.

His admittance induced a deep sigh from Kyle, who had suspected it all along. It wasn't that he knew what had happened, but he could only guess. Dan was predictable like that - more so in the last two years, anyway.

"OK," Kyle replied.

Kyle made a gesture to Woody, Will and Charlie before asking to talk to Dan somewhere else. Dan got up and followed Kyle into the bathroom. Kyle's heart was racing because it seemed to be the place where they had had all of their deep conversations in the past. It was hard for him.

They faced one another, and they talked.

An hour or so later, the band went out to a local pub with some close friends. There were eight of them in total. Laura came. Ralph made an excuse, though Dan wasn't even aware that he had been invited. Mark, for once, came out to one of their many social events. It wasn't that he didn't like being seen with Bastille, it was just that a drunk Kyle was crazy sometimes. Plus, both Woody and Kyle _always_ managed to con their way into a free drink or some kind of freebie at some point and Will would have to drag them away.

Somehow between all the laughter and the alcohol, Dan managed to step outside for a breather. The whole orange juice thing didn't seem to be working for him as he pressed his back against the cold brick wall. He couldn't stand there and watch everyone enjoying themselves. Besides, it wasn't even the lack of alcohol that was bothering him. It was his pounding headache and a growing lack of memory.

Even in the rain stood Laura, who had an umbrella as she approached the blue eyed man. He smiled at her faintly and wondered why she had gone out of her way to chase after him. Then again, she'd always done that, and he valued her as a friend. So much time flew past them, and she was married. Dan was so happy for her - he was elated, he just needed that to happen for him now.

He looked at her once again, and he swore that he could spot tears starting to form in her eyes. Dan had never seen the girl upset before.

"Hey, you don't seem yourself, Laura," Dan pointed out, and her face flushed a familiar shade of red that he was used to whenever she got shy or embarrassed.

There was a different look in her eyes, a look of regret, like she had been running away from her problems for too long. Dan figured that he was reading into it too much and shook the thought out of his head.

"I was stupid to think I was up to the whole marriage thing. I-I-I rushed into it. I-I didn't think," Laura babbled, not taking a breath.

Dan was about to console her became he could see out of the corner of his eye that she was on the verge of bursting into tears, but before he could do so, Laura leaned in towards him quickly, stealing a kiss from his lips. Out of shock, Dan wasn't sure what to do. He was a nice person, and he didn't see it fit to push her away. Slowly, he broke away from the kiss, his eyes widening as Laura had caught him by surprise.

But she didn't look guilty.

At least, what he could tell from his mind, from his sight. _Could he trust himself? What if he had imagined it?_ The voices started to creep back again, and he figured it would be best to leave before they got any worse. Unfortunately, they got louder as he walked away from the pub. He might have imagined it, as he didn't want to rule that possibility out, but, Laura must have called his name a few times.

But she wasn't sorry.

It was fast approaching an hour to midnight, and the blue-eyed man had his phone pressed to his ear in the warm breeze. He had forgotten which number he had dialled, but he hoped it would do him some good all the same.

"Allis, did I come round to Ralph's last night? And you were there?"

Allistair's breathing on the other end sounded non existent. Meanwhile, the singer's breathing was hot and heavy, and he was finding it hard to control it. He was desperate for answers, and he needed them soon.

"I don't recall."

Allistair ended the call, and Dan was certain that he was losing his mind.


	15. Catching Up

  
"Is it right to lie to him about this?" Allistair asked the other person in the room, his feet tapping against the floor as he paced the room.

"He can't be around me," Ralph replied, yet again not giving him a straight answer.

Allistair felt annoyed because Ralph had involved him in something that he had no idea about. He cared about Dan too, and he didn't like tricking him. But he also cared about Ralph, and he had to choose. He'd tried asking Ralph about the matter before, but he was too closed off. As much as Allistair cared about Dan, for he was a dear friend, he didn't want to get too involved in whatever personal problems that were haunting him.

However, he didn't like lying. Nobody did, but it made him uncomfortable because it was something that he could not simply undo. One lie led to more lies. More lies led to more people involved. Allistair was smart enough to know that he was only collateral damage in the game that Ralph was instigating for Dan to play. As he nervously chewed on his bottom lip, he began to wonder how he would get out of that situation.

"Why can't he be around you?" Allistair inquired as he stared the other man down, for he wanted to know his reasoning and why it required him to hurt another person.

Ralph didn't reply. He stared at his friend silently as he shuffled the cards that were on the table beside them. Allistair observed each card carefully, the king sticking out to him as it dropped from the deck and onto the floor. With a groan, Ralph picked it up. There was something about the card that caught his attention, the black spade to the king's side, and how proud he looked. Allistair wasn't living in a bubble and even he knew that a kingdom could be destroyed with the right plans and course of action.

His friend's lack of a reply was beginning to worry him. Of course, they would never be as close as Dan was with Ralph. That was impossible - they'd known each other for years. Allistair had always longed that kind of friendship, but as he observed the man sitting in front of him, he realised that the longer and individual was connected to another person, the more cracks could form in a relationship. He could only shuddered at the thought, because he'd been burned a couple of times too - with friends, and with girls.

So he thought he would do them both a favour by putting his hands together slowly and looking at Ralph. He took a deep breath and could only imagine the possible answer that would fall out of his mouth.

"Ralph, what have you done?"

**Just under a month ago**

One man watched as the other man was peacefully asleep on the bed beside him. Although he'd promised himself not to stare, it was hard for him not to, considering their past. To distract himself, he stood up, walking away from his hotel bed and instead locking himself in the bathroom. His back faced away from the mirror so he couldn't see himself. He couldn't bare that at that moment. Taking a deep breath, he went over to the sink, closing his eyes shut as he washed his face with water, the cold droplets travelling down his face and seeping into his skin.

When he was finished, he patted his face dry, not able to believe that he had just passed the chance to take advantage of a drunk Dan Smith. He dismissed the thoughts, as the last one had sent chills down his spine. He wasn't like that. He had hated seeing that lost look on the man's face as he had gotten up to leave for a toilet break he'd lied about fifteen minutes prior. It hurt him to have to do that.

He almost wished that there was a way he could erase the past, that things could go back to normal. Had he not misjudged things the last time, he figured that things would have been different to what they were. Ralph had just dragged Dan from a formal event, of course his friends would be wondering where he was.

Once he thought he could deal with it, he opened the bathroom door to find the other man still asleep on the bed. He'd promised himself not to, but he had to risk a glance. Seeing Dan's pale skin, his closed eyelids and his long eyelashes made him feel an emotion he hadn't felt in a long time. When he saw the smile on Dan's face in his sleep, he knew for certain that smile was not for him, and that it was for someone else. Naturally, Ralph had an idea of who it was. He'd seen that from a long way off, even four years ago when probably nothing had happened between them.

Dan attracted nice people like that, he always had. That introverted personality Ralph had always known had _always_ been attractive to others. It was something that people could easily cling to, could easily relate to. Hell, Ralph felt drawn to him.

Ralph was jealous of Kyle. It was something that he couldn't hold back anymore, and he knew that he had to admit it sooner or later. What he should have done was tried harder those four years ago to make something happen. He looked back at the sleeping singer again and thought more in depth about it.

Before Dan had fallen asleep, Ralph had had plans to talk to him about what they had done four years ago. He realised he didn't have the heart to wake him up anyway, so he eyed the bottle of wine left to the side and drank the rest of its contents to deal with his problems. All he could think about was the man he couldn't touch.

**Just over a month ago**

Kyle had finished pacing around Dan's hospital bed for the third time. Charlie was starting to get worried, though he had worries of his own and had to take off for some reason. Will and Woody exchanged nervous glances whilst Ralph had not said a word to anyone since he had arrived. Ralph had to stand there and take it.

"I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't speak to him when he wakes up. I-I can't _believe_ he would do this to me," Kyle repeated constantly, as if he was in the room alone even though he wasn't and there were three other people watching him.

Woody and Will realised what must have occurred between Kyle and Dan was on a more personal level than they thought. Even though Ralph had urged Kyle to stay, and he had a nerve considering he had done little to help since he had turned up, as soon as Dan woke up the bearded man made haste in taking off. He grabbed his things, pushing past a reluctant Ralph before anyone could see the hot tears rolling down his cheeks.

As soon as the cold air hit his face outside, he cried in peace, wiping his tears and thinking about the past, Dan's sufferance and how quiet he'd been. _But drugs? Drugs were a whole different thing, a risky behavioural trait. Something that just wasn't the Dan Smith he knew, not then, not now, not ever._

It was all his fault. For not being there.

**Present day**

The day after their social gathering that Dan had left earlier than everyone else, he was rudely awoken by Kyle at one in the afternoon with a glass of water he'd made for Woody, only for it to be thrown all over the unsuspecting singer. Charlie sighed deeply as Dan woke up with a start, his dark hair plastered to his forehead. He'd never been one to sleep in that late, and when he saw that his bandmates were surrounding him he knew that things were only going to go one way.

"Did I deserve that?" Dan asked Kyle seriously, his focus on him as he ignored the other people in the room waiting for his reaction.

"Yeah, I'd say you did," Kyle replied, and the singer realised that had been a stupid question to ask him, because the bearded man was always angry with him.

The singer remained where he was, on the sofa, trying to figure out the events of the night before. That, he remembered after a minute. His head started to pound, and that _awful headache_ was coming back to haunt him once again. Dan was pissed because he hadn't been under the influence of anything since he'd come out from the hospital.

"You wanna tell me why I saw you kissing Laura?"

For a moment, Dan chuckled. There was no way that Kyle knew that. His bandmates had all been inside either getting drunk, or enjoying their cheap meal under a tenner. Even though the rest of the bad didn't know that he and Kyle were technically _dating,_ the singer knew they were low-key having a _couple argument._

"Why does that concern you, Kyle?"

As soon as the words left his lips, Kyle's face turned sour as he grew more and more annoyed as the seconds passed. Dan knew better than to fill the silence with empty words. He'd always been a let down, and he was sure that the bearded man had known that right from the get-go. A stupid, emotional mess. However, he hadn't meant for that to sound as if he had enjoyed the kiss. Dan was committed to Kyle.

"Because what you did was dick move," Kyle decided to spell it out for him, frustration bursting into the air with every word that slipped out of his mouth.

Somehow, despite the loving and warm atmosphere in the room, Dan felt as if he was being cornered. Nobody else was saying anything except for Kyle. It didn't bother the singer that much, though.

"She kissed me," Dan protested, though him sticking up for himself sounded more like a schoolboy making excuses for not completing an assignment. 

In the background, and unimpressed Will tilted his head to the side as he tried to picture the scenario in his mind. He trusted Kyle and what he had seen, though Laura was the kindest and smartest girl that they knew. Plus, she was a married woman. There was no way that someone so kind and pure would go there - not with Dan.

Dan was smart enough to figure out that nobody really believed his side of the story, so he got up and walked over to his bathroom, surprised that nobody had stopped him from doing so. He dried himself off and changed into another shirt. The moment he'd finished up, he was surprised to see in the mirror that the door was being opened, and in stepped a stormy faced Kyle he _did not_ want to deal with.

"Did you not see me walk away from her?"

Before the singer could say anything more to defend himself, Kyle took a step towards him, pulling the singer closer as he brought his lips closer to his, sighing. The bearded man observed Dan for a moment before kissing him gently, breaking away from the kiss only to plant another one on his lips. The singer's eyes were closed as he savoured the moment of being close to Kyle, and how he wished things could have been that way from the start. Kyle's hands were on his shirt, and in the hot heat of the bathroom, Dan wanted everything and so much more.

"No, but I believe you, okay?"

As soon as Dan opened his mouth to speak again, he was interrupted by Kyle's lips against his, not that he minded. Then, he felt Kyle's tongue, the moisture travelling from his mouth to his own. Dan craved it, and he was holding back because he was aware that his bandmates were in his flat.

"I want to make this official, even if nobody else knows. I want you to be my boyfriend," Kyle confessed, and it felt like a weight off his shoulders.

The singer thought about it for a moment. They were going through the whole dating process, after all, and they had known each other long enough anyway, so he nodded in agreement and smiled at the bearded man. 

"Of course, I'd love to. You know that," Dan replied quietly, aware that the other three men would be able to hear them if they talked too loudly.

Later that day, Will thought he would catch up with an old friend on the other side of London, though he was surprised to bump into Allistair at a local casino. Dan had always been fond of him, and he could see why because Will was shocked that he wasn't a comedian. Regardless, he smiled at him and asked him what he was doing there, because he didn't live on that side of London. He watched the man hesitate. Will felt uneasy.

"I guess you could say I'm doing some catching up of my own," Allistair replied with a weak smile, though the bassist could see through him.

For someone who had always been so happy and cheery, almost carefree, he found it hard to believe that look on his face screamed that. Will gestured for the man to follow him, and he did. There happened to be a McDonald's outside of the casino, so he went into it and bought himself two coffees. He passed one to Allistair.

"Catching up with a friend should be fun, no?" Will assumed, staring at him out of the corner of his eye as he sipped his weak coffee.

There was a pause before Allistair answered. He sighed heavily as he pulled his lips away from his coffee and observed the teens sat at a table to the left of them and their boisterous, misguided behaviour. Shortly after that, he turned to the bassist very slowly, and there wasn't as much colour in his face as there used to be.

"Not this friend," Allistair dismissed the conversation from going any further than what it was, and Will had to reluctantly accept that.

Though he did feel a little bad for the bassist, so he invited Will to walk with him. Will accepted, and followed him as they walked down a couple of familiar streets. When they reached a particular doorstep, it had only just clicked in where they were. Will's eyes widened as he was about to say something, but there was nothing he could do as Ralph answered the door. He wondered why Allistair had led him there.

When Will stepped inside, he noticed an object that stood out to him, so he walked over to it and observed it. The other two men in the room exchanged nervous glances. Will picked it up, the silver object catching the light of the last remains of summer, gleaming beyond imagination. He figured that if he stared hard enough at it, he would recognise it - and he did.

"This is Dan's. What is it doing here?"

"Ask him yourself."

An unimpressed Will rolled his eyes at Ralph's unwillingness to tell him the truth. He knew better than to pick a fight with Allistair there, so he made haste and left without asking any more questions.

Meanwhile, in a nicer part of London was a woman sat opposite a man, her thick hair covering part of her face, though her green eyes were still very visible to the man that laid eyes on her. She brushed her hair back with her fingers, placing her hands on her thighs and she tried to ignore her annoying, screaming three year old running around in her house. The walls were white, a clean white, surprisingly. The chandelier was a thing of gold, a magnificent pattern complimenting the perfect arrangement of photos in expensive frames.

Slowly, she rose from her seat to fix one of the photo frames that seemed a little crooked from where she had been sitting. The man eyed her for a moment, then directed his gaze back towards the three year old who happened to be running havoc in the corridor. He'd always been patient with her, though she seemed to be testing it as of late.

She set down her manicured fingers on the mirror, observing her own reflection and his momentarily, her smile a little ajar as she turned back towards the man in her home. The woman made her way over to him, her skirt tightly hugging her thin frame, matching her lipstick as she sat down, her back peacefully resting against the leather sofa. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes. Then, she opened them again, feeling satisfied.

"Do they trust you?" the man asked the woman, some doubt to his voice as he wasn't fully aware of her plans for the future if things went how they should.

"One is getting there. They believe my story," she told him, shrugging her shoulders as if it had been a walk in the park.

Their speech was interrupted by a maid coming in with saucers and cups of tea. The man silently thanked her as the woman sat where she was, glaring at the maid at the sudden, unplanned interruption. The maid hurried away.

"I need this. I would hurt him all over again for all the humiliation he and his friends have caused me."

"And this is...what you want?"

"I'm sure."

The man stood up, as did the woman. He mouthed something to her for a brief moment, and she nodded very slowly. He advanced towards her, raising his hand and drawing it back to hit her. The sound of the slap echoed throughout the whole house, and the maid stopped what she was doing for a moment. The woman's cheeks burned and her skin turned hot at the act of violence. The man pitied her for a moment.

Then he did it again.

"Lucille, I hope you finish with your plans soon."

"I hope so too."


	16. Time

 

  
Kyle happened to be on his way back from the local supermarket because Woody insisted on them all baking together in the late night. Charlie was no-doubt-about-it drunk, so he agreed straight away. Will was asleep and Dan felt pressured into saying yes because when Woody was disappointed, he looked like a sad five year old who got tricked into thinking that Christmas was cancelled. Nobody wanted to see that.

  
What were they even baking anyway?

  
His thoughts were less important as a woman approached him out of nowhere. His heart raced and he gasped, causing him to drop his shopping bag, the contents of what was meant to be a short trip spilling out onto the pavement. He stood his ground, though he couldn't believe what he was seeing. The woman's hair was stringy and brown, her luminous green eyes wide and scared. Her face was bruised, a mix of purple and red and soreness. He winced when he looked at her.

  
"A um...a-a-a man I met...h-he hit me," she stammered, her voice in a whisper, fragile as she could barely talk.

  
Another look at her busted lip was enough for Kyle to swallow his pride and put an arm around her. When he saw that she wasn't wearing anything to cover her arms, he immediately took off his jacket and gave it to her. She accepted it with a shaking hand. Quickly, the bearded man picked up his groceries. They proceeded away from the busy streets, and Kyle tried to think as they were walking.

  
He managed to check her into a hotel and got her settled. He was hoping that he wouldn't have to console her, but she burst into tears. Kyle felt conflicted in his hatred for her, though her situation was very real. He had been right to be cautious because she could have been lying or manipulating her situation, though he was sure that something very wrong was going on in her life and he had to help her somehow. The bearded man sighed before raising his white flag as he bent down slightly, reaching his hands out to wipe the tears off of her face. Kyle could see the sincerity in her, and he had to find it within himself too.

  
He'd only changed because of Dan's bullshit that had been thrown at him for the last two years. It wasn't fair to judge someone else on that, and he knew better.

  
So he sat down beside her, and his tone became softer and lighter as he questioned her how long it had been going on for. There were times when she would be overwhelmed with emotion and couldn't talk or string together words, but he was patient. Before Dan, he had always been a good listener, and he never jumped to conclusions. He himself began to wonder why he was thinking so negatively of his boyfriend, but he had to in order to be sympathetic of her situation. When he knew what there was to know, he knew he would have to get Charlie involved at some point. She begged for him not to, but he had to.

  
He wanted to help her, too.

  
Dan woke up the next morning, feeling a little empty. Then, he remembered that Kyle would have probably come in late last night. With a smile on his face, he opened his bedroom door to check the living room, but there room itself was lifeless. A weird feeling washed over the singer, and he began to feel uneasy. It wasn't like the bearded man had left the flat on bad terms with him.

  
"Did...Kyle come back last night?" Dan asked Woody, who happened to be in the kitchen burning something at the time.

  
The singer wrinkled his nose at the mess that the drummer was making. A flustered Woody barely managed to save his burnt pancakes, playing catch with two in his hands plus the hot fire pan, and it was a miracle that all that shit didn't end up on his kitchen floor. Woody put his hand up to excuse himself for a moment. When he fixed whatever else he had been doing, he turned back to the blue-eyed man and smiled.

  
"Uh, no mate. We're just as confused as you," the drummer answered.

  
A few moments later, Will walked into the kitchen yawning. There was a noticeable coffee stain spreading out across his white shirt considering he misjudged the distance between the mug and his lips earlier. He looked down at it and sighed before looking at the other two band members and realising he might have rudely walked in on a conversation he'd been eavesdropping in.

  
"Charlie's gone AWOL as well. We honestly have no idea where he is. I woke up and he wasn't watching me sleep," Will pointed out, shrugging his shoulders because nobody was telling him anything anymore, to the point where he had to find out from other sources.

  
For the next hour, Dan tried to wrack his brain into thinking where Kyle would have gone last night after picking up food, or when the hell Charlie left his flat in the morning. It couldn't have been something that he had done, though he was starting to worry about his declining memory, or whether he should be worried about it or not.

  
That was brought to light again when Will got dressed and came out of his room with an object in hand. Dan blinked when he saw it, but there was nowhere to run when Woody was sitting across from him, eating his burnt pancakes. Will made his way over to Dan slowly, passing the object between his hands until he finally stopped and came to a halt.

"Do you recognise this?" Will asked him seriously, and Dan didn't understand why he was being investigated in his own home.

The watch had a cool feeling too it, slipping off into the feeling of guilt and shame as Dan grabbed it from him. Woody stopped eating at that reaction. Will had a look of I told you so in his eyes, whilst the drummer shrugged and gestured for him to go on. They'd both had enough of the guessing games.

  
"That night you went out, that night when you worried us sick, you were at Ralph's? You could have just told us," Will said, feeling hurt by the singer's reaction and his lack of emotion when he was speaking to him.

The singer fiddled with his fingers nervously, looking back at the drummer then at Will. He knew that they only wanted the best for him, though at the same time, he felt as if he was being accused of something. Dan still had no recollection of that night, and the memory that he thought he had was diminished by his close friend Allistair, so he must have been imagining things. He began to wonder whether it was his drug use, but he had never been one to take them frequently. The singer was smart enough to know what they did to people. Something was wrong.

"If you took off your watch, it seems to me that you must have stayed there for a while," Woody mentioned in passing, and his logic must have been right because nobody would walk inside another person's house, talk to them for five minutes and take off their watch and leave.

It was hazy, the kind of haze that had entered Dan's life bout two years ago, when he realised that was when he started feeling oddly attracted to Kyle - all of a sudden he found himself enjoying the sound of his laughter, how he didn't do his hair most mornings and how long he would talk to him about his coffee inspirations for the next time they planned to go to Starbucks. It had gone by so fast, and the shiver felt as if he had had barely any time to breathe.

"I really don't remember," Dan admitted honestly, chewing on his bottom lip nervously because he knew that he had messed up, but he didn't know how to fix it.

He looked down at the watch once more,  his thoughts flashing back to a time where things were a lot better than they had been in the last two years of his life.

**5 years ago**

Dan happened to be in his family home in London. He woke up on the floor and felt very annoyed. His sister was staying somewhere in Birmingham with a friend whilst he was left alone with his parents. They weren't bad people, though sometimes they could be a little overwhelming. Dan was twenty two, although his mother saw him as a fifteen year old, whist his father saw him as thirty. He'd never plucked up the courage to tell his mother that he wasn't a fan of jam sandwiches anymore, so he had to endure them every time he visited.

It was that Monday morning where his father thought it was okay to grab his ankles while he was still asleep in bed and drag him from the comfort of his bedsheets and onto the hard carpet. He woke up immediately, wondering what was going on as he tried to look around him. Dan scowled when he realised what as happening, and his mother appeared out of nowhere to prop him up on a seat in the kitchen. He groaned.

Why did his sister leave him?

"I have something for you, I picked it up yesterday," his dad announced, and Dan raised an eyebrow because even his parents could be pranksters at the worst of times.

Looking at him through his brown eyes, he braced himself for what the present would be. His mother was smiling in the background son that couldn't be a good sign. Regardless, he forced a smile.

"I thought you could use it on your travels, I just know you're gonna get a big break soon," his dad explained, with a grin from ear to ear.

Dan was surprised when the present was placed into his hands. It was a chrome watch, and s he ran his fingertips over it, he could t explain the feeling but it had somewhat a nostalgic vibe, warming him to his core. His parents were crazy most of the time, but he had to love them.

He thanked his parents, and it had been firmly on his wrist ever since - it was like whenever he took it off, he felt as if he wasn't grounded.

**Present Day**

Somehow, Dan managed to get some time to himself later that day when Woody and Will were busy playing video games in the living room. He tucked himself away in his room and got his phone out, because the watch and suddenly triggered his memory. No wonder why he felt strange, he thought.

He needed to confront some demons. Unfortunately for him, they happened to be people he thought he trusted. Taking a deep breath, he cleared his throats as he dialled the number, his heart in his mouth and waiting for the other person to reply.

Once they did, he choked and he couldn't bring himself up to doing it. However, he remembered how he felt when he had priced things together, which drove him to see it through.

"Allistair, could you meet me? At that place we used to go to off that right near that park?" Dan asked him, and it originally hadn't been his attention to ask his friend out instead of speaking with him right there and then.

There was a pause before that familiar, warm light hearted chuckle came through the other end of the phone.

"Sure, I'll be there in an hour," Allistair agreed, not bothering to question him, and he liked that because that was what old friends did.

Well, not when they lied to you, Dan thought - or he was being paranoid, but even he wasn't sure what was real anymore and he was pretty damn sober.

Somehow, the singer managed to sneak out without the drummer and the bassist noticing. As he felt the summer air hit his face, he noticed Charlie going back inside the house. Dan figured that was an argument for another day, so he carried on to the nearest tube station.

As expected, he reached his destination in perfect time. Dan saw Allistair standing in line to grab a coffee, and he quickly joined him like everything was normal.

He wanted everything to be normal. He was trying.

The singer risked a glance at his friend, and how cool his posture was. He hadn't known Allistair as long as Ralph, so he was concerned that he might not be able to tell whether the man would lie to him or not. Over the years, with being such a nice man, Dan had developed the habit to just trust any nice person, and he realised recently he couldn't do that anymore.

Within ten minutes they were sat down at a small table, their knees almost to hung because of their heights. Allistair was a little shorter than the blue-eyed man, but he would definitely win in a fight.

"My watch, it was at Ralph's. I want an explanation," Dan demanded straight away, because his friend wasn't one to play games - that was more suited to the style of someone else he knew.

He looked back at Allistair, who shrugged. He'd bleached his hair recently, so it looked almost white in the light, but suited him at the same time.  The man sighed, sitting back in his chair and staring back at the singer.

"You fell asleep for a bit, Ralph and I played cards. It was nothing important, don't make it out to be," Allistair warned, his tone trailing off into something that the man opposite had never heard before.

"Allis, there was a gap in time. I woke up and you asked me whether I should be here. Why are you two deliberately trying to confuse me?" Dan demanded to know, as he was getting frustrated as o why things were being kept s secret from him.

Dan hoped that had been the moment where his fiend would have broken down and told him everything, but he sat where he was, surprised that Allistair was quick to pull back his seat and leave. The singer remained where he was, shocked.

As if things couldn't even get any more weird, he was more surprised when a man and woman he recognised walked into the cafe, followed by another familiar man behind them. Dan's eye twitched at the sight of Charlie and Lucy standing side by side. Everyone knew that story, he thought. Nevertheless, he kept his mouth shut as Kyle was behind them.

Unfortunately, they crossed paths and they walked up to the table he was sitting on. He eyed Lucy and said a loose hello, only because he saw the bruises all over her face. Then, with her green eyes, she looked down at the table he was sitting at.

"There's another coffee there at the other side of the table. Were you meeting someone?" the woman asked, and in that moment he honestly saw her as the devil.

Kyle observed his reaction to her question, and he did not like it. Dan chocked in those moments, and his eyes widened. She had put him into a difficult situation.

"I just finished talking over some things with Mark."

The bearded man frowned at him. They hadn't made any plans to go out with him recently, so it was strange that e would want to go out to get coffee with Dan in the evening when he always claimed to he so busy.

"What things?"

He could see that Kyle didn't believe him, though the singer, in his kind, was trying to justify it in terms of it not being such a massive lie. In truth, Kyle should have been okay with it, and it pissed him off that he wasn't.

"Would I lie to you?"

The woman studied the interaction between them, figuring that it meant something, though it wasn't entertaining enough for her to focus on, so she pulled Charlie away to another table as they would wait up for the other two.

"Time has never waited for us, so I wouldn't put it past you.I hear you and Ralph have some things you need to sort out," Kyle commented coldly, staring him down hard.

Dan only returned the cold hard stare, feeling deeply frustrated that despite being in a relationship, they were still picking the same fights with one another.

But Kyle had lied too, at least somewhere down the line.


	17. Games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dw! I did not forget about you guys  
> I spent a whole 3 hours on this today, it was kinda rushed because I wanted to get a chapter out and not let the crazy people who actually like this (thanks guys lol) down. the excessive speech in the chapter was needed I'm sorry
> 
> and umm, I'm sorry for what you're about to read, it wasn't planned, but I think it was better this way, you'll see what I mean when you finish reading it, I was really excited writing this; I hope it's good and you enjoy

**7 and a half months ago**

Kyle returned from an eventful night out, holding his shoes as he stumbled over random objects in the corridor of Dan's apartment. He groaned, rubbing his forehead as he collapsed onto the bed beside him, surprised that nobody had heard him. He swore to himself quietly that he would never have a night like that again. Kyle had disappeared, most likely going off with someone he hardly knew. That was rare for him.

Earlier, in the hot heat of the after party was Kyle, whose eyes had taken a liking to a girl with short, curly light brown hair, freckles and a gorgeous smile. She wasn't his type, but he approached her nevertheless. The drinks started flowing, and she took him away. He willingly followed her, and was hers for a couple of hours until he drifted away from her and somehow made his way back home, ignoring the texts he'd gotten off his band mates as to where he had been. He remembered the talk with Will, but even he needed to take his mind off things - he wanted something that he could never have.

And then he bumped into a woman, dropping his phone onto the pavement. The woman gasped, picking up his phone immediately and checking if it was alright before apologising. Kyle looked up and realised who it was. Once he indent ivied her, he smiled at her, even in his drunken haze. Her eyes were a tree green, and her lipstick matched the faded soft orange of the city lights. She ran her manicured nails through her desirable, thick brown hair as she passed his phone to him.

"You've had a good night?" the woman wondered, pulling her coat over her chest as she could feel the cold winter breeze, though she was curious as to why the man opposite her wasn't wearing anything to cover his sleeves as the temperature was barely above freezing.

Cards drove passed them, and from an outsider looking in, things seemed out of place. The woman was slightly troubled, her expression a thing of confusion.

"Mhm, what you doing out? It's barely eleven," Kyle asked her, for it wasn't safe for her to be walking the streets on her own at that time.

Gently, she reached out to poke him with her index finger, knocking the intoxicated man slightly off balance. He chuckled, realising that he was the one in the worse state, and if push came to shove, she would probably be alright walking home on her own even in the mysterious streets of London. She observed him with her green eyes.

"I could ask you the same," she replied quietly, fiddling with her fingers as she shyly directed her gaze to the ground for a moment.

She was in no rush to go home, and Kyle sensed it in the atmosphere, even in his drunken state. There was a moment where he threw a confused look at her, not understanding why. It took him half a minute, but once he figured it out, he walked a few steps ahead of her, where there was a quiet road he always walked by whenever he went out clubbing with his band mates. The woman followed, not saying a word.

Without warning, he snaked a hand around her waist, pulling her closer to his chest as he eyed her. She kept very quiet, slightly biting her lip in anticipation, he could feel her hot breath, smelling of a sweet drink he wish he had ordered in the bar a few hours ago. He knew that he had held the position for too long, because it got to him, and he wanted to ask her what she had been drinking.

"You didn't see me here," Kyle mentioned slowly, making sure to maintain the eye contact so that she would understand what he had meant.

A lack of understanding appeared on her face and across her lips as she raised her eyebrows at him, clearly disapproving of what he was trying to get her to say.

"It's had to forget people who don't finish what they start," the woman challenged him, his voice low.

There was a pause where a wave of realisation washed over the bearded man, only for it to be replaced with a pounding in his head and voices in his ear. He moved to her, slowly leaning in and getting a close up of her attractive facial features, savouring what wasn't his. Kyle's hands travelled to her hips as he led her to the nearest brick wall, kissing her lips softly. She kissed him back all the same, showing little protest as she entertained a deep, passionate kiss, her manicured fingernails running through his smooth hair.

Soon, they were in a familiar space, and Kyle could barely keep his hands to himself as the woman placed her set of keys on the windowsill, smiling at him as they came to another kiss. She eagerly led him to the bedroom, keeping a firm hold on his shirt so that he wouldn't change his mind. The night fell away quickly from there,neither the smell of more alcohol, the sound of heavy breathing and sight impairment as the lights were turned down low.

Kyle felt no emotion as he woke up the following day, surprising himself that he had managed to make it back to Dan's flat in one piece. He would never drink that much again, he thought - and it was probably for the better. Somewhere deep down, he wanted to believe that act, that moment of madness could be explained by his alcohol consumption and not his true intentions.

**Present Day**

"We fell out temporarily because of the bad choices I've been making lately. He understands, we talked a bit," Dan answered honestly, though he had left out a good proportion of the truth.

Kyle took up the seat opposite him, turning around to look at Charlie and Lucy who were having what seemed like an in depth conversation at another table far from them. He was thankful for that, just in case the conversation started to turn ugly. The bearded man believed him.

"I guess we of all people should know all about those," Kyle figured, chuckling to himself as he psychoanalysed his life for the past two years, letting the blue-eyed man walk away from him time and time again.

Though everything was at stake, and there was no way he wasn't going to lose him. At least, if the past didn't catch up with him, he figured he would be able to achieve it.

"I'm glad you understand," Dan thanked him quietly before fingering the cold coffee that Allistair had left.

The bearded man placed a hand on the other man's shoulder, squeezing it tightly as he flashed him a kind smile. Dan didn't know anyone else as kind as Kyle, honestly, and he was even happier that he was his boyfriend.

The following month, despite Dan trying to make excuses for not going, the band and Mark (deciding to make a rare appearance) were going to have a poker game at a house party. Allistair didn't want to get involved, but he wanted to be by Ralph's side in case he was out of order.

Lucy and others they knew were also at the party. Lucy had been the dealer for the whole game, watching the men and the cards closely.

During his fourth turn, Kyle managed to screw over Dan with an excellent bluff. The singer sighed heavily, and the bearded man slowly collected in the chips, glancing at Dan for a brief moment, something flashing in his eyes that the singer didn't catch.

"That was a guilty look if I've ever seen one," Ralph pointed out, his tone making everyone else laugh because it was in context, but out of context, Allistair sent him a nervous look as he was sitting opposite him, hoping that he wasn't going to spark something in the middle of a friendly game.

"I mean, I feel a bit bad," Kyle replied with a chuckle as he collected the rest of his winnings, observing the colour variety of the chips he had in his palms.

Dan rolled his eyes, and Charlie laughed as he stared at his pitiful stack of chips. Will was on his phone, and Woody couldn't care less as he sipped his beer, which Mark snatched from him because it was actually his and he had only offered him a sip to be nice.

About forty minutes later, things had been picking up pace in the game.

"How long can you play the game?" Ralph wondered.

"I'd like to think I can start things that I can finish," Kyle answered, looking at the woman sat at the table for a moment, after eliminating both Woody and Charlie from the game.

Allistair laughed nervously, because he could already smell the tension in the room. It was as if Kyle knew his rival in Dan's affection without even being notified of the romance between Ralph and Dan all those years ago.

"Funny you should say that," Lucy said, her tone neutral as she started collecting the used cards from the round.

Charlie had a confused expression on his face. Lucy didn't sound like she was about to tell a joke. Allistair could sense something was off.

"I'm not following," Kyle told her, though he knew full well what she was talking about.

There wasn't any obvious tension, so Allistair wasn't going to jump in and stop anything from happened as he thought it was casual banter. Ralph leaned back and looked at his cards, displeased with the two and a ten in his hand.

"Then maybe you should keep up," Lucy half-joked, causing some laughs from the other end of the table.

Kyle could take that, as long as she kept her mouth shut. She finished fixing up some leftover cards before shoving them into the middle, making sure the deck was tidy. It was Woody's turn, and he dashed his cards into the middle of the table, declaring their uselessness.

"You got me clutching at straws here," Kyle noted, trying to play dumb, though that had _always_ suited Dan a lot more than him, he was too sober to play do it.

Lucy's hands were constantly shuffling a pack of cards in her hands as she observed him through her eyes, seeing the same man in front of her as before. She'd always been a fan of playing the long game, but sometimes poker games went on for longer than her liking.

"I think you know what I'm talking about, and I know a liar from anyone," Lucy accused him, flicking her wrist and throwing the shuffled deck of cards into the middle of the table, despite the force, landing perfectly and not out of place.

Even Ralph had broken out of his competitive streak and actually observed the atmosphere in the room. Not even the bowl of olives in front of them could soothe anything over. That sounded like a low blow. Kyle gently placed the chips he was fiddling with flat on the table. Everyone was waiting for him to say something.

"Excuse me?"

The two words echoed through the room, and the green eyed woman knew that she had struck a nerve. The disorder satisfied her, and it always had. Things could only go downhill from there, even Allistair had no hope from saving it.

"I'm sorry, must I remind you?"

The bearded man watched as the woman directed her gaze away from him, slowly picking up an olive on a cocktail stick and popping it into her mouth slowly, refusing to chew it at first. Putting a finger to her mouth, he bit down on it, the juice flowing down her throat before she chewed it fully and swallowed it. Kyle could feel himself getting annoyed.

Of course, how long could he fake it?

"Not here."

Kyle looked at Dan out of the corner of his eye nervously. Dan frowned as he felt his boyfriend's hand come into contact with his underneath the table.

At that moment, Lucy was going to enjoy the chaos as she leaned forward with a straight look on her face, her hair falling over her shoulders in the hot heat out the room.

"Not here? Then at Charlie's flat, with the lights down low?"

Then, she sat back in her seat, ready to enjoy the show. Will dropped his cards, and Ralph's jaw might as well have been on the ground. The worst thing Kyle did was keep silent. Charlie leaned towards the table slightly so that he could get a better look at Kyle.

"Is this true?" Charlie asked, his voice barely audible.

The bearded man was silent again, and Dan's eyes were on him to answer the question. It was too much pressure, pressure that he couldn't handle. The singer needed the answer to be no, at least for his own sanity.

"Were you fucking Lucy when I was in a relationship with her?"

"I shouldn't have to explain myself to you."

Charlie laughed before slamming the table violently with his fists, making Woody sat beside him jump, because he had only seen him upset and never angry.

"I didn't have sex with her," Kyle tried to stick up for himself, because he had nobody to fight his corner.

"Not what I remember. You have a scar on your left hip," Lucy corrected him.

Kyle blinked. _How?_ Even he couldn't think of a way out of the shitstorm the woman had placed on him. He'd only told his bandmates about that scar. He felt Dan's fingers leave his side. The singer sighed deeply.

"And we wonder why it took so long," Dan whispered in annoyance to Kyle, and he knew he was talking about their relationship.

Kyle had hoped to deal with his boyfriend's reaction later, and he didn't know what to say. He needed to obtain some kind of proof that he did not have sex with that rotten woman, as attractive as she was.

"Explains why you were so keen to kick her out, Jesus fucking Christ," Charlie realised, running his hands through his hair as he looked at the man who he had thought was his friend.

"Because she's fucking poison?" Kyle decided to hazard a guess.

Nobody said anything for thirty seconds until Kyle gasped sharply. Mark's beer was dripping from the bearded man's face and hair. Lucy smirked at what was unfolding in front of her. Charlie's face was red and Woody was trying to calm him down, as was Allistair.

"I didn't deserve that," Kyle tried to reason with his angry friend.

He heard a scoff from his boyfriend sitting beside him.

"No, mate, you deserve so much more," Dan argued.

The two observed each other out of spite, and it seemed as if things were back to the way that they were again.

"You don't believe me? After I've believed all the shit ton of lies you've thrown at me lately?"

"I can't be bothered to get involved, forget I said anything. Fuck this shit."

"Don't fuck with my head Daniel, tell me how you feel."

Mark cleared his throat, but even by that point it was too late to intervene in what had turned into conflict involving almost every person present at the poker table.

"We're the same," Dan declared.

"There's no way in fucking _hell_ we're the same," Kyle was quick to deny, speaking without thinking.

The singer clapped his hands to bring about his point.

"There we go."

There came about a familiar silence as Ralph drew out a cigarette, smoking it, the waves blowing back in Kyle's face, sticking to him like the beer that was all over his body.

"I don't think you two should be the ones to have an argument right now," Will pointed out.

"Fuck you, you were just as silent as everyone else sat here. As if none of you believed me," Kyle accused him.

"Do not take this out on me," Will warned, he was a good man, but even he had some ammunition that could really piss Kyle off.

Surprisingly, Kyle backed off. He sighed as he took that as his cue to leave. Charlie was going to go after him, but was prevented by Mark who saw it best if they left Kyle alone and gave him some space.

"Do you have to smoke in here?" Allistair asked Ralph casually.

"I almost felt sorry for Kyle. I had to keep myself distracted, I was almost going to say something myself, but I knew it would piss a couple of people off," Ralph explained, looking directly at Dan.

By the look in his eyes, Dan knew that Ralph was willing to use _that_ as ammunition at any given time. Ralph's tone had sent chills down Woody's spine. Lucy seemed confused, but didn't question his words at the same time.

"You're a prick," Dan felt himself saying it out loud, he hadn't initially meant to, but hell it felt good, though he hoped nobody would question what Ralph had against him - their history.

Ralph took a deep breath before inhaling more smoke, then taking a moment to breathe it out.

"Get on my level," he challenged the blue-eyed man, risking a side glance at him.

Dan studied his old friend out of spite, realising that poker wasn't the only game in the room that was played that night.


	18. Losing it

  
There was a silence that hung over the room, and it thickened when Lucy got upset, and Charlie had to see that she was alright outside of the room. Woody did try to leave, but was told to sit back down by Mark, who was unimpressed at the group's disunity.

"Girls? Are you guys fifteen?" Mark wondered, finally choosing to say something after half an hour of them sitting in silence.

Woody protested, "That's Kyle, not us-"

"This is carnage, that's what it is," Mark interrupted.

The staring match between Dan and Ralph was still going on, and even the all knowing Mark could not figure that out. Quite knowingly, Ralph had put the blue-eyed man in an awkward position, and he knew it. There was nothing he could do about it.

Though, the producer did have a point. He had always commented that the band needed to at least appear unified, or sooner or later, the press would notice and it would affect their music and reputation.

"You can't speak to me like that," Dan said to Ralph, because he felt as if he had been stabbed in the back.

"Sure, and you can't sit at my table," Ralph addressed.

The singer shrugged, standing up and pushing back his seat, being the next person to leave the room. Allistair shook his head at his friend before finishing the last of the olives very slowly. Everything had gone to shit.

"When does this end?" Will asked Ralph seriously.

"It's obvious they're only going to hurt each other. I did try to say this before," Ralph explained.

Mark asked what he was talking about, and Woody briefly whispered something into the producer's ear. He nodded slowly, and it seemed to make more sense now.

"I can't hide the past, Will, but I hope Kyle finds out soon," Ralph admitted.

"He can't find out. You're close to Kyle too, you wouldn't want to burn that bridge," Allistair snapped, because he knew that Ralph knew better.

"You're involved in this?" Mark figured, looking at the blond sitting to the side of him.

Allistair nodded slowly, though he had never wanted to admit it, standing back whilst Ralph played games with Dan. However, despite the heavy atmosphere in the room, it was important to note that Ralph wasn't the villain. The real villain, in fact, was outside the room at that point.

"We're going round in circles," Will realised, and the whole mess was really starting to fuck with his head.

A couple hours later, that day of hell had ended.

Kyle and Dan came face to face with each other in the morning. They stared each other down for a few minutes and went on their way. The bearded man avoided Will whenever he could, he did not want to have any contact with him. None of them took a moment to think of what that would mean for their relationship.

Charlie stayed at his own flat because he didn't want to speak to Kyle. The bearded man had tried to explain that he had only kissed her, but things had still fallen apart with Dan.

"Did you make the first move?" he asked Kyle seriously, seeing as Will and Woody were out of the house and they were alone.

Kyle was hesitant, but he nodded. The singer took a deep breath to try to take that in. He hadn't been expecting that from Kyle, he wasn't that kind of person. Though, given the scenario is was surprising that he didn't blame it on the alcohol. Charlie wasn't impressed last night because Kyle had tried to justify his ill deed by pointing out that he ended up being in an abusive relationship with Lucy anyway, but Charlie wasn't having it.

"What would possess you?"

Feeling frustrated, Kyle leaned back where he was sitting. He really craved a cigarette himself, and he hadn't picked up one for a while.

"Not all of us could fake it for as long as you, Dan."

The blue eyed man felt hurt, and clearly showed it as he got up to walk away. Things had gone past being a mess, it was a disaster, and he wasn't sure whether everyone involved would be willing enough to help salvage things. He knew Will was mad, as was Mark.

The words rolled off his tongue and fell into the air, making Dan reflect on the past. It wasn't that he was ashamed of his sexuality; he realised that in that moment, Kyle was. It had never been him all along, as shy as he was.  They needed to talk more, and he knew it, but how?

Dan felt the need to resolve things, so he called Ralph, asking him whether he could come over. Given the situation and all the drama, anyone would have advised him against it. Even Ralph himself, who had not intended for _so much fallout_ to occur in a bloody poker game. Ralph did not want to discuss things further with Dan, and made it clear on the phone that it would not be a good idea. However, Dan finally managed to convince him.

After all, he'd calmed down.

When he went over, that quickly changed. Dan was fuming but he tried to get back his composure. Ralph could see that. Alistair was hanging around like a bad smell with his hands in his pockets. Nobody said anything for about three minutes.

"I'm not blackmailing you. You're the one who hasn't told Kyle yet, do not shift the blame onto me," Ralph thought he would point out, because if news of their romance got out to Kyle, it was negatively impact him too.

That was all well and good, because Dan nodded in response. Now that he thought about it, nobody was really at fault, and he would tell Kyle in time. He had to deal with Kyle another time, however, because he was angry at him for the whole situation with Lucy. Though, he took one look at the blond in the room.

"Have you nothing to say?" Dan asked him.

Allistair stiffened for a moment, because he was debating whether it was worth replying to the flustered man, who clearly had a habit of starting arguments. He had known that over the years, though they had never argued about anything big before.

"Not my battle," Allistair commented, directing his gaze away from the blue-eyed man and onto the floor, because he didn't want to get into things with him in front of Ralph because it wouldn't be fair.

Nothing had been fair in that poker game.

"But you're involved in the war," Dan mentioned softly, pulling up a chair as he sat down and ran his hands through his hair, feeling an inevitable headache coming on.

Slowly, the blond walked over to him, holding his breath as he sat beside him. He knew that there would be some hostility from the singer, not because of his siding with Ralph, but because of something else much bigger than that. Of course, the blond hadn't meant for things to fall that way, but that was just the way that things were, and would always be. The blue-eyed man had calmed down slightly, putting his hands together.

But the blood wasn't on his hands.

"I'm sorry I found out about you and Ralph and didn't ask you about it first, but you're losing it," Allistair apologised, thinking about the singer's extended metaphor.

He hadn't prepared for it to have lasted that long. He didn't have the resources to deal with all the stress it was causing him, all for the sake of Kyle. Kyle's happiness and _Kyle's_ sanity. When did Kyle ever consider Dan's happiness?

Meanwhile, Kyle remained in Dan's flat, lying in his bed and looking up at the ceiling. He had locked the door in case Charlie returned, because he didn't want to suddenly be ambushed whilst he was off-guard. He called his parents whilst he was alone for a couple of hours. The bearded man wasn't the type to get upset. Kyle was just angry. He figured that if his own friends weren't willing to listen to him, interact with him or anything, then it would be a good idea to make himself scarce. He packed himself a bag quietly, saying _I love you_ to his mother before getting his things together.

As he opened his bedroom door, he was surprised to see a panting Dan Smith in the way, his mouth open and his blue eyes wide. Kyle stepped back slowly into his room. He couldn't take the singer shouting at him or having a go, not again. The bearded man stood awkwardly, clutching the bag in his left hand. Dan's eyes wandered to it, making eye contact with him. The brown-eyed man was frozen on the spot. The singer slowly advanced toward him, making Kyle jerk backwards. Dan felt a little hurt at the movement.

"I wish you to stay," Dan pleaded in a whisper, his voice quiet.

Kyle seemed to be beyond caring at that point, and he was questioning whether to listen to his friends. Dan had always been a friend to him, or at least, when he felt like it. Deep down, he knew that Will and Woody wouldn't want him to leave.

"It doesn't mean I'm forgiven," Kyle acknowledged, because after all the drama, that was his main goal which hadn't been achieved yet by any means, and he shouldn't have to prove himself to anyone.

The bearded man walked around him, placing his bag on the sofa before gathering up some more of his things, including his toothbrush. That must have struck a nerve for the blue-eyed man, whose heart skipped a beat as he watched him, desperate to leave. Dan got hold of the younger man's arm. Reluctantly, Kyle _knew_ that he had to turn to face him. It was something he had been avoiding since the _feelings_ had taken over his life.

"Do you not think that maybe we've been holding onto each other for too long?" Kyle asked him seriously.

Dan did agree with Kyle at first, in his mind, but he realised that some things were worth holding onto. He could not let go of Kyle, not matter what ills he did, and he knew that, but he wasn't sure whether Kyle did. A moment like that would have never crossed his mind.

"Kyle, we're in a _relationship_ ," Dan thought to remind him, and that word had been playing on his mind since Lucy exposed him.

"Yeah but, how do you feel?" Kyle questioned him, eyeing his boyfriend to make sure he could sense anything in his reaction.

The singer froze, his facial expression forming a straight line. A wave of anxiety washed over him as he fiddled with his fingers, not looking his boyfriend in the eye. Kyle had hoped for more than that, and gave him a whole minute. When he hadn't heard a sound from him, he was dissatisfied, though he never should have gotten his hopes up in the first place.

"So this is where we are."

Before Kyle could leave, they both heard the sound of the door opening. Will, Charlie and Woody came inside slowly, analysing the situation.

" _I_ didn't create this mess."

"I don't have the energy to argue with you."

Kyle's tired words bounced off the walls and into Dan's ears, though by that point, Kyle knew that Dan _always_ heard what he said, but he never listened. It had been that way for a while. When Dan was about to argue, Kyle took a deep breath, holding his head in his hands as he paced around the room. Will watched him nervously. Then, they could hear the sound of a phone vibrating. Kyle looked down at his phone and answered a text. His back sank against the nearest wall as he breathed heavily, eventually sitting on the floor.

Slightly concerned, the singer walked over to him with caution. He bent down on his knees beside the man, looking into his eyes. There was something different about the bearded man, something off. The blue-eyed man noticed how there was nothing in his eyes, no emotion, no happiness, no sadness. They had been deprived of everything. Gently, Dan reached out, clicking his fingers. Kyle didn't blink, and Dan frowned, trying it again. Dan observed the others watching, and gestured for them to go into another room. Woody had a feeling hell was about to come down, so he did as instructed, as did the others.

"Are you spaced?" Dan asked him in a whisper, concerned.

"This isn't a new thing, you've seen me pop pills before," Kyle dismissed the subject, feeling annoyed that the singer had the audacity to ask him that.

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, and Dan realised that there was a possibility that they couldn't save things that time, but they couldn't mess things up any more than that, right? Tears rolled down the singer's face, not that he could help it, hot tears, the ones that would fall from a child's face when they knew of their wrongdoings. 

"OK. Wherever you're going, I'll let you go, but call me when you get there."

The bearded man nodded slowly, stumbling as he got up slightly. Dan watched as Kyle left with his bag and his keys.

And Dan could barely breathe.


	19. Quarter Past Midnight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to a Quarter past midnight live on radio 1 at 7:30pm and I'm so happy and shook!  
> I stayed up all night to do this, crap  
> I looked up the lyrics to inspire this chapter, I hope you like it. thank you so much for much support that I didn't expect on this trash
> 
> thank you,much loves man awe

Kyle came out of the hotel he stayed in three days after he had left Dan's flat voluntarily. He sighed to himself, taking in the air outside as he looked down at his phone. Money wasn't a problem, it was how he was dealing with his life. He only knew of one person who would always run away from their problems, and he didn't want to turn into them. As much as Kyle wanted to go and visit his parents, he couldn't the night he left because he was as high as fuck, and his parents, no doubt about it, would have noticed.

Reluctantly, he returned back to where he had ran away from because he needed to gather some more things. If he turned up to his parents' house with few possessions in a bag, they would question him, and he hated explaining things. He had to make his stay a little more believable, and a small suitcase would do it. Before he could even think about doing any of those things, he came face to face with Dan Smith.

"You didn't call me, you didn't reply to any of my messages."

Kyle had little energy nor chill, and though he was facing Dan, he felt his hand reach out behind him to grasp the front door handle. He figured that he could lie to his parents a little when he rocked up at their place suddenly with a gym bag that said _2012 gym hoes_ on it.

"I didn't realise I was obligated to."

The bearded man could already feel a headache coming on. He wasn't sure whether he was prepared for another argument, let alone even more drama. He tried to walk round Dan, but he got hold of his arm, pulling him closer. In that moment, Kyle let his emotions get the better of him and he pulled away from the man, proceeding to go into his room and pack more of his things.

As he packed, he heard the voices of Will, Charlie and Woody. He figured they knew of him making an appearance, because they must have heard him and Dan talking. Kyle finished up quickly, walking past the others without saying anything. Dan stopped him again by grabbing hold of his arm, much tighter than last time. Will noticed the interaction, but Kyle barely changed his straight facial expression.

"Are we good?" Dan asked him quietly.

"I guess," Kyle replied flatly.

The conversation was left there.

A couple of weeks later, Kyle and Dan were fine. Will and Woody were still talking to Kyle. Charlie refused to, but overall the bad blood didn't effect any of their performances. Kyle wasn't impressed to find Charlie and Lucy in a deep snogging session backstage. He turned his nose up at that, but saw it better to stay out of it. The bearded man had been faking it with Dan; really, he wasn't okay.

It was their last performance for a while. Will was concerned about the tensions in the group weeks after the poker game. He and Woody decided to confront him about something, or at least try to get things all out in the open. Before they could do that, Ralph approached Dan first. He'd been invited despite tensions. They had not talked since the poker game.

"If you've come to gloat about how you can lord this over me, I don't wanna speak to you," Dan warned, because he was already anxious enough after preforming in a crowd full of people.

Ralph scoffed. They'd all been drunk at the poker game and said things that they hadn't necessarily meant. Besides, some pretty foul things had fallen out of Dan's mouth too, over the years. He couldn't count the amount of times it had happened on his hands, it was that bad. Not that he remembered, anyway.

"I wouldn't do that, I care about you," Ralph denied instantly, his tone calm as it always was, he saw no reason to raise his voice - it had always been a waste of energy.

"No you don't," Dan accused his friend as he stared him down, because he wouldn't have put him in that awkward position at the table, drunk or not.

Dan thought back to that night all those years ago, and all of a sudden, he couldn't get it out of his mind. He couldn't believe how different things were, and if he hadn't met Kyle, then he figured that he would probably be with Ralph, though he had never had to make that choice. Dan had distanced himself from his friend since. He had realised the consequences of getting close to him.

"I do care about you, because I think you should tell him about us, and what we did," Ralph advised him.

Dan was reluctant to look at him, because he knew that he was right. He really didn't want to listen to him, but he knew that he had to. He could only imagine the fallout of what would happen if Kyle had found out from another person, or source. Dan was smart enough to know that their relationship would be history, and it was already in so much trouble he could risk anything else tearing things further apart.

It had been such a battle for him and Kyle to finally admit their feelings to each other over the last three months. They had been the hardest three months of his entire life, but he would happily go through it all over again in a heartbeat because of those crucial, sweet moments with Kyle. Throwing shit at each other in the studio had just been a turning point for what he hoped would be a good bond between them that would strengthen over time.

The whole business with Lucy had confused Dan, but he hoped to get his head around it rather soon. He hoped he could forgive Kyle as much as Kyle had forgiven him for all the things he had said or done in the past. Everyone made mistakes, him especially, a lot more than the average person.

Dan Smith couldn't fake it anymore.

And right he was to think that, as a man had his back to Dan and Ralph, but turned around very slowly. Those few seconds that passed seemed as if time had stopped when he realised who the person who had just came off the stage was. His eyes widened as he made eye contact with the man. Ralph saw too and gasped.

Kyle Simmons in the flesh.

Will, Woody and Charlie walked down that corridor at the same time and immediately sensed the atmosphere. Kyle was calm at first, but took a deep breath. Dan realised that he was wrong to think that he had never been made to make a choice.

The choice was clear.

Slowly, he advanced towards Kyle, who only stepped away. It seemed that their lives had been going that way for a while, not that either of them had noticed. He needed to know one thing before it all fell apart. 

"How much did you hear?" Dan asked him calmly, his eyes on the rest of the band only steps away down the corridor, and he didn't want them to make a scene.

" _All_ of it," Kyle replied immediately, without hesitation.

His heart almost stopped, and Ralph was nervous for him. Everyone knew that Dan was not good in times of confrontation, and it seemed as if there was very little that he could do to make a difference to the tense atmosphere.

But things had to be put right - by fate, by other forces, by any means.

"Kyle, I-"

"I can't do this. I-I'm done."

His excuse was simple, and he could feel the anger building up in him as he walked away from the situation. Will, Charlie and Woody gulped as they watch the bearded man walk down the corridor, straight past them and forcing open the doors, slamming them behind him. Dan considered going after him.

"I don't think you should," Ralph advised him.

For a moment, Dan blinked, feeling confused. He frowned at his friend, not understanding his reasoning for not going after Kyle. Ralph claimed to be his friend, but did he really care about him as much as he said he did?

Not taking another moment to consider it, the singer took to his heels and ran after Kyle, feeling the air travel through the spaces in his hands, his messy hair falling all over the place. He'd always been self-conscious about that kind of thing, but his thoughts were destroyed by the need to find that man, to explain himself.

But Kyle had left. Once Dan got outside, he panted heavily, looking into the busy roads ahead of him as he tried to picture where he could have gone.

**2 years ago**

Kyle and Dan sat on the remains of a brick wall by a council house in London, with alcohol either side of them. They had literally crawled up the walls. It seemed as if they had been talking for hours, and they had lost track of time. It didn't happen often, because the singer had always been handy with his watch, whilst Kyle liked to live in the present. He saw no point in worrying about the future because _it wasn't in front of his face yet_ , as he would always say. Though, for once, the bearded man turned to his friend for a moment to ask the time.

"It's a quarter past midnight," Dan answered, with a smile because he could already _smell_ whatever Kyle had been drinking for the last three and a half hours.

Not that Kyle could remember, because his memory had always been shit. Plus, he didn't have a watch. Dan would always point out that he could use his phone, but the bearded man would oddly tell him that it wasn't the same. The singer had never figured that out, because he had never seen him wear a watch.

"I suppose we should be getting back soon," Kyle suggested, thinking of how they had left the club that Woody and Will were in without telling them.

The singer scoffed, pointing to something in front of them. Through the busy streets, the cars of varieties of colours and the people amongst the pavements was a billboard, quite a big one. On it were the faces of a happy family in their summer best, roaming the beach like it _totally_ wasn't for a photo shoot. The young girl had a smile as big as his vocal range, and her brother seemed happy all the same in the background of sun, sea and all things good.

"They're in no rush," Dan pointed out, feeling bitter that the chores of everyday life would soon hit them when they woke up sober.

They heard the faint sound of an ambulance whizzing down the streets, running through the red light. Every time one passed, Dan would often imagine the person whose hearts they were saving, their family and their last moments if things didn't go well. As deep as it was, he liked to imagine things how they were sometimes. The world was real, so realism was needed sometimes. Kyle would often tell him that he was being negative, but even he would agree with Dan's theories sometimes.

With a lot of effort, the bearded man got himself off the brick wall, wincing as he landed awkwardly, his foot twisting one way. He straightened himself up. A frightened Dan looked at the four foot drop from below, and began to wonder how they even got up there in the first place. The bearded man laughed, for it was really funny for him. The blue-eyed man scowled at his mistreatment, crossing his arms. A not-so-sober Kyle stumbled slightly as he raised his head to look up at his friend.

"Jump down for me."

"Kyle, are you fucking ser-"

He heard the man sigh before observing the drop again. Dan pushed himself off the brick wall, surprisingly landing close to Kyle, who supported him with his arms. The singer gasped and laughed, trying to get the feeling back in his feet again. Even in the darkness of that winter night, Dan could make out Kyle's facial features clearly, his smile and how he closed his eyes shut every time laughed. He was always so positive, and he loved that in a friend. A pessimist always needed an optimist to stop him from doing anything crazy.

"How drunk are we?" Dan asked Kyle seriously, because for once, he had approximately matched the bearded man in terms of alcohol consumed.

A moment passed where the bearded man couldn't help but laugh. Despite all their partying and nights out over the years, they hadn't gotten that drunk for a while. From an outsider's perspective, that was usually a sign of how stress was creeping up on them, and how things were getting worse in the world.

"Let's test it," Kyle suggested, taking his hand and making him run through the streets as they  looked like a pair of idiots.

The singer laughed as his friend wouldn't let go of him, and he could feel the cold winter breeze travelling through his hair, penetrating his skin. They came to a set of traffic lights. Kyle stopped at them, and Dan realised that they had just turned red. The singer laughed when his friend didn't move, and stayed where he was. Kyle burst into a fit of laughter too when he realised that the singer had understood his unintentional joke. _Man, they really were drunk_ , he figured.

The people in cars in front of them were confused, and a couple of them beeped their horns, whilst Dan scowled at them, giving them the middle finger. The streets seemed to be getting restless. The bearded man was on the floor by that point, howling with laughter. Dan was too, after a motorist had shouted abuse at him that didn't even sound like English. At the next change of the lights, they ran across the road at a red light like a pair of idiots, throwing themselves on the pavement of the next street. Grabbing their remaining drinks that they had, they lay there beside one another. Kyle's eyes were closed and he was grinning, whilst Dan had a straight expression as he looked at the night sky.

A thought suddenly came into the singer's mind.

"We're always chasing after something," Dan mentioned, as he studied the night sky, wishing he could blend into it and be invisible sometimes.

Slightly concerned at his friend's sudden thoughts, Kyle turned to face him, his face inches away from Dan's. He furrowed his brow. That was more meaningful than any of the rubbish Dan had been talking about for the whole night.

"What are you chasing after?" Kyle wondered.

The singer thought for a moment, and the answer was obvious, but it was something about the night sky that had made him change his mind. The next obvious answer was on his wrist. He raised his arm to look at his watch, which seemed to have cracked at some point on their rendeavous. 

"Time," the singer replied honestly.

Softly, the bearded man took his hands, studying the watch closely and apologising if his recklessness had led to him breaking it. Dan told him it was no big deal, and he would take it somewhere to get fixed the following day. He'd been wearing it for the last three years, so Kyle knew he treasured it.

"You don't have to worry. It's stuck at a quarter past midnight," Kyle realised, studying the crack in the clock face closely, which had ultimately stopped the time as the hands were immobile.

Somehow, that had been the breath of fresh air that the singer needed, and the bearded man felt happy when he saw a smile developing from Dan. Even if it was temporary, time had stopped for them, and it soothed him that he wasn't trying to move to its beat all the time. Kyle held his drink up, and so did Dan. They did a half-hearted toast.

"Let's try to burn the night away!" Kyle cheered.

A drunken Dan laughed, clutching his stomach because it hurt at how much he had laughed in the past two hours that he had been in his friend's company.

"You mean throw our lives away?" Dan corrected him, because he was sure that they had consumed more than a year's worth of alcohol between them in the space of a couple of hours.

Mark was going to _kill_ them when they rocked up at the studio late in a few hours, but time had stopped, and all that was irrelevant to them now. Of course, Kyle nudged the other man with his elbow, smirking.

"That's my favourite part," the bearded man whispered, and the smell of sweet alcohol hit Dan again, comforting him and making him raise an eyebrow at how much they had both been drinking.

"Fine, I guess it's a quarter past the world anyway," Dan mumbled under his breath, eventually giving into the peer pressure from his idiotic friend who was going to land them both in hospital for alcohol poisoning the following morning.

To make the moment complete, the two could hear the sounds of speakers booming of another nearby club. They both knew they weren't going to go in there, but it was always be an idea. A bad idea, but an idea stemming from good times and bad decisions. Of course, they had _always_ been the losers on the back seats. They downed the drinks they had toasted to.

"We're just getting going, Dan."

Dan laughed, and not that he realised, but Kyle looked at him for longer than he should have in his drunken moment of madness, wondering what could be. As the singer dozed off beside him, Kyle couldn't help it.

"I never know what I've had," Kyle whispered to himself.

And that's why we keep on running, he thought - at least before it all falls apart.


	20. Flaw Cycle

  
**2 years ago**

The following day, after having taken an ear-bashing from a heavily annoyed Mark Crew, Dan found himself in a jewellery type repair store. He walked in awkwardly with his hands in his pockets, still feeling the alcohol in his body from the previous night. _Good times, bad decisions,_ he noted to himself. The singer would _always_ regret it in the morning.

When he looked up, there was a man at the counter, his hair blond and his brown eyes somewhat relaxed. Dan knew a stoner when he saw one, or he could be wrong. Regardless, he approached the man. They got into a chat when the man behind the counter asked him what had caused it, out of interest.

"I wanted to buy myself some time, I guess."

"Better teach me your ways, then."

Dan chuckled, and the man observed his watch. Whenever customers came in with things like that, he knew that they treasured them - for whatever reason, so he knew to handle it with care. It was rare that Dan met anyone that nice, so he made sure to remember his name badge.

The following day he came to pick it up, he was pleased that there wasn't a queue. He went to the front counter, where he saw the blond. The member of staff picked up the box his watch was in, charging him the right amount. Dan took his watch and left.

Things quickly got weird when Dan and the rest of the band had planned a night out for the following day. It was rushed, but they got inside a club anyway. Dan happened to be eating some dodgy salsa-less nachos when he noticed someone awfully familiar approaching him. Even in the bright lights of the club making everyone else in it appear totally different, he could spot a familiar face from miles away.

"Allistair?" the singer heard himself say, observing the blond from the jewellery store he had been to not so long ago.

"Daniel Smith, right?" the blond figured, raising an eyebrow whilst he grasped the drink that was in his left hand, flashing the singer a smile.

They got into the depths of conversation, and Dan swore he had never gotten along with someone so quickly in his entire life before. Allistair hadn't realised his identity, not that he minded. He'd had experiences with crazy fans before, he knew how to deal with them properly. For some reason, they had a common link, one of which Dan would be **unfortunate** enough to find out at a later date.

From a distance in the intoxication of the club and the out-going people in it, Kyle watched from afar, the drunken night he and the singer had embarked on together the other day. He sipped his drink, eyeing the two talking, feeling something burn in his chest, and it wasn't the alcohol. It was almost impossible for him to describe the feeling. Kyle Simmons was a nice person, a lot nicer than what people gave him credit for. Never in his life had he thought such intense thoughts as he had in that minute he first laid eyes on Dan and his new friend.

So he took it upon himself to go over to them.

Dan, oblivious, thought nothing of it, introducing him to the blond. Although they shook hands and appeared to be on good terms, Allistair wasn't an idiot and he knew whenever someone didn't like him. From the first impression, he saw that look in Kyle's eyes, a word the bearded man would never use, but it sure as hell was there.

The day after, the band were waiting in the studio for someone who was over half an hour late. Dan signed. It wasn't like Kyle to be that late. When he did show up, his hoodie covered his face and his outfit seemed as if he had roughly put it together in a rush. He apologised softly to Mark because he could see that the producer was clearly pissed. Mark turned around in his chair, opening up the software to actually make an album exist.

"Where were you?" the singer asked him, because he was genuinely concerned because that kind of behaviour was not typical of Kyle, no matter how hungover they got.

The bearded man shrugged.

"Couldn't tell you," he replied with a straight expression, earning a few laughs from Charlie and Woody, whilst Will rolled his eyes at their childishness.

Some time had passed since Kyle annoyed Dan in the studio. The singer and the blond had a regular meeting place, a small time cafe near a park off the tube station. The food was rubbish, but it always tasted better when they were smoking anything other than tobacco. The singer had never been a fan of nicotine, really. That had always been more Will's thing, though he would never admit that he had a low-key addiction. After having stuffed the,selves silly, they sat down at a bench in the park. Allistair never got as faded as Dan did, the drugs always seemed to have more of an effect on him, even when they took the same amount. They didn't make a regular habit of it - it would only happen every couple of months. At that point in time, Allistair was unaware of how often Dan had been doing it.

The blond had noticed that there was something on the singer's mind, though he was confused because he couldn't figure out what. It wasn't like Dan told him everything, and he was difficult to figure out. Their lives were entirely different, after all.

"I wish things were different," the singer suddenly admitted, completely out of context as his blue eyes took a liking to the floor for the next couple of seconds.

"Then make them different." Allistair urged him, because the singer always had doubts about everything, but never chose to do anything about them.

Dan nodded, immediately getting up off of the bench and leaving the park. The blond laughed, because he always did hints like that. He shouted that he would see him later. There was a freeze in time from that point, because Dan would forget the things that he did after he left, not that they were important.

**2 months ago**

Allistair had been staying at Ralph's for reasons he didn't want to disclose. He had always knew that there had been tension between him and Dan. He had known from the day he had mentioned Ralph's name to Dan, the look of terror spreading across his face. The blond would never forget that. When Allistair discovered the truth, it made more sense, but not for him to be involved. Ralph asked him what he thought of the situation.

"You've already dealt your hand in this," the blond pointed out, reaching over the table to pour himself a bottle of wine he felt he was entitled to for putting up with his friend's bullshit.

Ralph sighed when he saw that the contents of the bottle were empty. Alcohol seemed to have been going fats in hot weather, though he could never find reason for it.

"Four years ago," Ralph thought to mention.

"Then the game is over, is it not?" Allistair assumed, because even Ralph didn't understand the own riddle that he had made those very four years ago.

There was no way in explaining the reasons behind everyone's actions, but the blond was trying to make sense of it. He couldn't understand why Ralph was doing what he was doing. Mid-drink, the thought came to him. He placed his glass down and realised that Ralph must have still had lingering feelings for Dan.

"This isn't a game that you can _win_."

"But I can make it harder for someone else."

"Isn't that selfish?"

"It's justified."

The two sat in silence after that. Ralph was one of his good friends, and he didn't want a risk a full blown argument with him because he cared about him. Plus, he needed somewhere to live at the moment because of ridiculous circumstances. His parents kicking him out of the house because they wanted to decorate was silly enough, he wasn't going to tell anyone that. As he sat there in silence, Allistair began to consider what his friend had said, and maybe given all that time he had been justified in his actions.

His thoughts soon turned to Dan. Over the two years that he had known him, he had gotten to know him surprisingly well. He had watched a modern day Icarus in the making, stumbling over his words, flying too close to the danger and influence of drugs and alcohol, losing his way, falling into hospital and very nearly into an early grave. He'd always wished that he had noticed the signs sooner, but he figured that nothing could have been done to stop the Icarus transgression. It could have been out of his hands, perhaps not.

Daniel Smith had always worn his flaws upon his sleeve, though Allistair had hardly gotten the chance to see them, considering he didn't know the singer as well as he _thought_ he had.

Even so, he knew better not to carry a game on that had ended a long time ago, and he wished Ralph would think more clearly. Allistair had known a different Dan that he had two years ago, and he had accepted that. He was saw that his friend was holding onto the old, sweet memories of the past. The blond knew that demons would catch up to even him someday, but he was worried. He was worried about both of his friends, including the band.

Meanwhile, Kyle found himself immersed in a load of smoke clouds, thinking back to that night two years ago, that _perfect night_ he and Dan had spent together. He knew it was best to stop thinking about it, but he really couldn't help It. There had been nights like that, but they hadn't even come close. Kyle always treasured that night in his heart, when Dan had fallen asleep on the damp grass and he had to be the one to carry him until a taxi came to take them home.

It seemed as if as of late, they had been running in circles. Over the past two years, they had become aware, or at least conscious of their feelings for each other. They would half-flirt or unknowingly flirt in private. At times it would seem like something more. One of them would try to bring the subject up, and the other would immediately shut it down out of fear. That had been the recurring cycle for what seemed like decades. Dan would admit he couldn't fake it, and Kyle would walk out on him in his crying moments. He'd always _hated_ seeing the singer cry - he never knew what to do.

He hadn't always been the villain in their strange relationship up until the point that they had made it official. They were on okay terms, but weirdly enough, those faking it days had been some of the _best_ days of his entire life. Kyle could remember them vividly. What made matters worse was that they weren't in a relationship. Unbeknownst to him, they would be in a month. He hated seeing him every day and not being able to touch him.

The bearded man didn't hear the sound of the front door to Dan's flat closing. It was Allistair with a cigarette in his hands, quickly going to his lips. He eyed Kyle for a moment and raised an eyebrow. Kyle did the same.

"Thought you quit back in 'fourteen," Kyle assumed, looking the blond up and down, not that he was judging or anything.

"Thought you didn't smoke," Allistair responded appropriately, before leaning against the wall to take a smoke break.

The bearded man struggled all the same. He didn't want the blond to tell anyone about it, because it wasn't a proud habit. Kyle concealed his occasional drug use, though the guys were quite open about it. Woody, Will and Charlie didn't get high every time they had a gig, they probably did it a max of once per tour. In the industry they were in, they were surprised to find it was quite normal.

Obviously, he didn't pop pills all the time, nor did he do it whenever he was upset or angry. He would do it at any time, whenever he felt like it - he didn't need to have a _reason_ to, they were for him - not for party, nor a buzz - just him.

He thought that was responsible, anyway.

Then he saw how it was destroying Dan, so he laid off them a bit, saving it for nights out.

Mark noticed Kyle's shift in behaviour one studio session and decided to talk to him when everyone else went off on lunch.

"Are you alright?"

"Got shit on my mind."

"Shit meaning _someone?_ "

"No-"

When he saw the producer's facial expression, he knew better than to argue with him. He surrendered and just nodded, whilst Mark said that was all e needed to know. Kyle felt a little better now that Mark knew, even if he didn't know fully.

His thoughts about Dan were getting worse, and he was worried it was out of control. All he wanted to do was be there for him, but his own fears of his sexuality, their status and how they would define themselves was scaring him. He would only push the singer away, and it usually took them a whole to get back on their feet because of the _damned cycle._

That cycle had _always_ been their one flaw.

**Present day**

The events that followed were not something that Kyle could just dust off of his shoulders. Nobody had been sleepwalking that long.

There had been a lot of shouting, a lot of confusion. It was unclear who it was from because one of them was under the influence, though it never made a change from usual. Drugs, alcohol, it was all the same. They were too easy to access in 2018, anyway.

Dan's flat was an absolute mess. A vase had been broken, the coffee table had been knocked over, and there was a spot of blood on the floor. Obvious drugs were on the sofa and a bottle of vodka was on the side. In a mad fantasy, it was perfect.

Kyle stood on the cold streets after going through an emotional ordeal, barely being able to breathe. The worst thing was seeing _that woman_ appear again, coming out of the store opposite. She smirked at him, walking towards him.

"Lost everything? Fucking _shit_ , I know how that feels," Lucy mocked him, her red lips shining in the full sunlight left of autumn.

In those moments, Kyle was too angry to speak with her, for what she had done, for what she had said. It should have been _his choice. His and Dan's choice._ Everyone thought lowly of him, and that was it.

Since he had a brain, he stepped to the side of her to go around her, but she intervened, blocking him, the bearded man could not deal with that.

"We're the same, Kyle," she added.

He was about to go around her again, but she stopped him by placing s warm hand in his chest. The bearded man could feel the heat of her hand transferring to his shirt. In his moment of weakness and despair, he might have considered making the same mistake once again.


End file.
